Tomoxifen Curse.

My wife has always been disabled.  I married her for who she is not for what she could do.  A lovely lady.  Since we have been married she has coped very well with various illnesses and is permanently confined to a wheelchair.  I have to do just about everything but it does not feel that way.  We look after each other. Her disability were never a barrier.  Most people are amazed at what we got Up to and our social life.


A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in both breasts.  She cannot undergo surgery and has to rely solely on Chemo therapy.  So she takes Tomoxifen.  She also has had to stop her HRT treatment.   She also takes steroids.   


Stopping her HRT seems to have given her permanent PMT.

The steroids are making her aggressive.

The Tomoxifen is making her paranoid and downright nasty.  Now imagine all those three together.  


Now we don’t have a social life. Friends don’t come to the house anymore. She refuses to go out and makes nasty comments if I do, even if its only to go shopping.


Take today for instance.  A typical day.  She gets up late 11pm and takes till 2pm for me to get her dressed. I am just happy she is getting bed rest.  Starts off she accuses me of letting her oversleep.  Yet she got angry when I got out of bed at 8pm for waking her up, I had laid there since 6am because she was sleeping so well.  I bring her breakfast.  Tea is too strong.  The food isn’t right.  Want something else and a fresh cup of tea?  “don’t bother, I know your making it bad deliberately”  Good start.  Eventually she gets up.  Ok time for me to take the dog for a walk.  Queue a rant about me “hating the dog and how I ruined the poor dogs life” I smile and ignore. I get the lead and collar thrown on the floor, makes a change she normally throws it at me…  Etc Etc

I give her her lunch and take the dog for a walk.  Whilst I am out I pass the post office so pop in to see if there is something nice for her.  A dog magazine.  Money is tight but I have a few pennies saved up for a treat for myself but I think this would be better spent on her.  I also get her a bar of chocolate.  What woman does not like that?   When I get home I get the usual rant about the dog being dirty, yesterday I was taking over everything to do with the poor animal by cleaning it before I got home.  Can’t win?  I make her a cup of tea and give her the magazine.  No thanks from her. Just a nasty silence.  Which I find VERY hurtful.  Why did you buy me chocolate?  Trying to get me fat?  Too stingy to buy me  a bigger bar (despite having just said I was trying to get her fat) If it was not so hurtful it would be funny.


Each and every day is like this lately.  I really feel depressed and useless.  Its our wedding anniversary this weekend.  41 years.  She told me not to bother with a card, I wont tell you what she said when I told her I had saved enough to take us away for the weekend.  Apparently I am a thoughtless, selfish b******. Amongst other things for saving and suggesting it. 


To top it off I am unwell myself.  But I can cope with that.  I have not told her and she would just accuse me of being lazy and not doing anything about it.   Its the feeling of complete helplessness I cannot stand.


Imagine everything you do or don’t do is analyzed and scrutinized and put down to you being horrid or lazy or  _much _worse. 


  know I sound like a wimp but trying to reason with her just makes her worse.   She swears now and that is something she would never do before.   Its not just me.  She has a go at the postman, the guy on TV, passing motorists.  She even got angry with a bird on our garden.


Before its suggested no she cannot go on anti depressants because of other problems. No she refuses to talk to the doctor as its everyone else who has the problems and not her.


I just retreat to the back bedroom now and …     Well I am sure you can guess.


Rant over. :slight_smile:

Hi Receiving_end

Welcome to the BCC discussion forums where I am sure others will be along soon to give you some much needed support.  In the meantime could I suggest you give our helpline a call, the staff are here to support you and your wife.  Calls are free from landlines and most mobiles, 0808 800 6000 lines open Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 10-2.

Take care,

Jo, Moderator

Hi there, I can’t imagine how incredibly difficult your life is. I can’t suggest anything to stop your wife being how she is, but do you have support? Someone to talk to, respite services or anything like that? You need to look after yourself mentally and physically, that will make you more able to cope. I’m sure you know, but its this horrible disease and the treatment she needs to take that is making her like that.
Try to stay strong, visit your gp to talk about you and how your feeling to see if there is any help they can provide.
Sending you lots of luck and good wishes

I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take her into care, its in everyones interests that you are supported to care for her at home.
I wish you all the best, there will always be a sympathetic ear on the forum anytime you need to offload.