In the past 3 weeks, my world has been turned upside down and i really don’t know where i am…
Just over 3 weeks ago i was enjoying life, with my husband, 2 yr son and expecting our second. I 'd found a small lump that doctors were all convinced was hormone/pregnancy relating and just did biopsy to make sure.
One sleep later … CRASH … my world has been dstroyed. I’m told i have an invasive ductal cancer, grade 3 - hormone sensitive and the pregnancy is speeding the growth. I’m recommendaed to terminate pregnancy, to have lumpetomy and then a course of chemo …
I desperately sought alternatives to termination, but what do you when all the doctors are telling you its your best hope of survival. Do you kill the child you’re carrying to give you a shot at raising the one you have … so god forgive me i did it. A decision that haunts me pretty much all day every day…
But no time to ponder before they are rushing into the next surgery. Now after all that i’m left waiting…
Waiting to here what stage, waiting to hear if its spread, waiting to know if its a small tumour or everywhere, waiting to know how much chemo … then waiting to find out if it will make me infertile and if it doesn’t wait to know if this will happen again…
I have question coming out of my ears yet no one seems to have answers and the 2 week wait to have just some of them answered is torture. One minute i’m fine, the next i’m convinced i’m at deaths door, sometimes i don’t actually want to let me son go.
I’m totally lost and not a fraction of the person i was 3 weeks ago, my friends and family keep telling me how strong i am and that i’ll beat it all being wonderful and supportive … yet inside i don’t feel strong, i feel pretty broken actually …
First I am so absolutely sorry for the situation you have found yourself in through no fault of your own. You have had to make heart breaking decisions and it is going to take you a long time to come to terms with all of this. You can only do your best and what seems right at the time to you and the docs.
If you have read much of this site you will know that the waiting is the hardest part. When I was waiting for my node results I went through every scenario. But in the end I had to accept that whatever the result it was not my fault and what will be will be. Please post any questions you have I am sure you will receive lots of support. Debx
what a dreadful decision you have had to make. I don’t know what to say except I am thinking of you. The waiting is the hardest part I can assure you.Once you have a treatment plan you may feel more able to deal with it. I remember the waitin oh so well, everything around me felt surreal. Life is turned completely on it’s head and nothing that was happening before seems to matter, only the horrible position that you find yourself seems to matter. It is worse for you because of the termination. The forums were a godsend to me at that time although sometimes you can scare yourself stupid. Everyone who has this dx feels as you do so if it helps keep posting nothing is too trivial the folk on here are marvelous love Eileen
on 1st june I was diagnosed with invasive ductal cancer, grade 3 and on 7th July had all lymph nodes removed and lump. I was in hospital for a week and got home yesterday. I completely understand how your thoughts and feelings are swinging all over the place - I was the same. Iimagine its impossible to be otherwise. Soemtimes I feel very calm and confident about it all and at others I feel terrified and negative. I have found that if I just go with whichever feeling is uppermost it works best for me. Also I have found it really helps to be able to talk to close friends about my greatest fears as well as the positive thoughts. I will really be thinking about you and hoping it all goes well.
I’m so so sorry to hear your story - my heart is bursting for you. I’m sending you lots of good wishes and hope for the future. I agree with everyone else - waiting is the hardest part. Post as often as you feel is helpful - someone will always be here to listen and support you.
I was diagnosed on 5th January this year ( great christmas and new yr ) my active treatment is now finished and i am about to start back work next week. Time will pass for you too i promise - its just so terribly hard in the beginning. My children are older 11 and 18 - i don’t want to let them go either - i completly understand.
Hi Sniffer,
Just wanted to send my love and to say we are all here for you, anytime you need to ask a question or need support, there are some wonderful helpful ladies on here, as you will see.
The main thing is to look after yourself, and get a treatment plan, you have your 2 year old, who will keep you on your toes, l am sure a lot of the younger ladies will tell you about their treatment and how they are making sure they will still be fertile after this awful treatment has finished.
As for your termination, it had to be done as you know, you need to keep well for you little boy, once treatment has finished you can look forward to having another baby, might just be put off for a little longer that you would have wanted.
None of us are the person we once were, the worry of results, ops, treatment, and the list goes on.
One minute your life and family are everything you ever wanted the next it feels as though it has all gone, but that good feeling will come back, once your treatment plan starts you will feel as though something is being done, you will have lots of ups and downs, probably more downs than ups, just take one day at a time.
Love to you
Sandra xxx
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I was diagnosed with idc grade 3 in march. I am 36 and my boys were 4 and 2 at the time. I totally get where you are coming from with the suddeness of diagnosis, where your world is bobbing along just nicely and then suddenly you are hit by a truck and life is changed beyond belief. I described it as though i had been pushed onto a different parallel track to what my life was supposed to be and i could see everyone else on the old track still getting on with their real lives.
The fact that you were pregnant just makes an already horrific situation so much worse. What a courageous decision you made. There is nothing i can say to you that will stop you going over and over and over whether you made the right decision, and you will grieve no doubt for the baby, as well as for your old life and sense of security in your life and body.
What i can tell you, though, is that every lady on this forum was shocked and devastated when they were first diagnosed. We all worried continuosly about whether it had spread and whether we would die soon. But once you have had your operation and get your proper results and treatment plan, you will find a sense of balance and strength which will centre you and help you cope with the treatment and times ahead. there will be bad days, but also some normality too. I will bump up my thread from when i was first diagnosed for you, and you can read my first few posts so you can understand exactly the journey i have already taken, and it may give you hope that you will find some balance.
Meanwhile, take very good care of yourself, don’t read too much on the internet, keep eating and drinking to keep your strenght up, and remember that , as my surgeon told me, breast cancer is very treatable and the process, though hard, is doable.
blimey, what a lot you have to contend with. the fact that you were pregnant and had to cope with diagnosis is just awful. take strength from your son and those around you. Unforunately, we were about to try for a baby and then I was diagnosed, no time to freeze any eggs, just a rollercoaster of surgery and treatment. I am finding it tough that the decision to have children has been taken from me (on herceptin til end of sep). as the other ladies have said,the waiting is the worst. Once I knew what my treatment plan was I was in control and was going to kick the ar*e of this cancer. It’s a really tough time and only the ones nearest and dearest to you can appreciate what diagnosis does, but don’t fully understand. This forum is so important for that. It has given me so much strength and support. It is all do-able, keep posting and let us know how you get on.
big hugs
x
I also recently found out I have a grade 3 invasive ductal cancer. HOwever, I wasn’t expecting a baby and can’t imagine how hard that decision was for you to make. I am also waiting for results of my first op to come back and should find out tomorrow hopefully. I am terrified of having to go back in for more surgery, but as I keep telling myself, it is what it is, and there isn’t anything I can do to change it.
Our whole world has turned upside down too, I still can’t believe I’m going to be going through this nightmare. But, it is sinking in slowly and we just have to tackle one thing at a time.
One thing we were about to do though was IVF, and as we don’t have any children, we are now considering egg collection for the future. I’m not sure though, I don’t want a cycle to delay any treatment, and so these are decisions we will have to make this week. Maybe you could ask the question and see if it is a possibility that you can consider also?
Jayney - can I ask you why you couldn’t do that too? Was it because your cancer is hormone responsive? How long was it before they started your treatment? It must be so hard for you coming to terms with that blow in addition to everything else.
I would also like to say how great this site is - it helps you know you’re not alone and that sadly there are others in similar situations.
Thanks everyone for their messages - its been a great help
I’m in the home straight only 2 days to go until the results … i’m still more frightened than i knew i could be … But at least i’ll know.
If anything these 2 weeks have made me slow down and take a real good look at whats important, i’ve not even got my diagnosis and i can see the change in me.
Bunny1 - I looked into the IVF, egg collection, but to add good measure my cancer is hormone sensitive which is why i had to do what i did. If i went down the IVF route (despite the financial implication)or anything to do with egg collection i’d need to take the hormones that feed it. And like yourself the time factor is not on my side either. It truely has been a shit hand … from expecting to likehood of infertility in less than a month. I sincerley hope that the IVF route works for you as i couldn’t imagine what i’d be like if i didn’t have my son.
And no matter what they tell you about the odds, my best friend had fertility problems and only had one shot at IVF that they said would never work - she got twin girls. So there is always hope . - I find it so much easier to be encouraging to others than i do with myself.
I wish i could respond to each of you personally - and who knows over the next few months i just might - but if i don’t get around to doing it, my sincere thanks for taking the time to write …
Roll on Tuesday - fingers crossed for good news and for you Bunny1 i hope all goes well for you too .
Hi Ladies,
To all the ladies waiting for results, my thoughts are truly with you, bunny1 hope all goes well with your results and sniffer, i just want to say what a couragous lady you are, i can only imagine how you must feel, please try and just look forward now, i know it’s easier said than done, i myself have to look forward, i daren’t look back, the best advice i was given at the beginning of my bc journey was to only look forward and to only read what was relevant to me, i feel there is a wealth of great advice on the site, but when i was newley diagnosed if i read to far infront i would really upset myself and wish i hadn’t.
Now nearly 4 months on i can read everything even if it is a bit scary, i think the same as the other ladies, once you have a treatment plan you will feel a little better.
I do hope all goes well for you tommorrow, keep us posted.
Take care Sandrae x x x
Oh Sniffer, I’ve only just seen your post and today’s the day you get the pathology from your surgery. I really feel for you so much, also with a two year old and pregnant at diagnosis.
My experience has been that waiting is definitely the worst bit of this hideous situation. Once you know what you’re facing, there’s the chance to just get on with it - being active and positive is so much better than waiting and dwelling. I now can’t wait for chemotherapy to being on Thursday - it’ll mean one down.
I really hope the treatment plan gives you a positive slant. I know was terrified at first and it took a night to sleep on it to begin to accept what was coming (I still haven’t entirely, but I’m sure once I begin, it’ll change).
Best of luck you. We just have to keep being strong and stay as well as we can for our families - at least on the face of it, and this is a great place to come and voice our fears. xxxxxxx
I have only just seen this thread and your post on the one I started (Should I have a termination?).
I am so, so sorry you are in this position. It is utterly devastating, and I know from my own experience that there is little anyone can say or do to comfort you. Having said that, reading through this thread I know you are in many people’s thoughts on this forum (as well, of course, as in real life); I hope that will help in some small way.
I hope too that by now you have got your results and they are good, or at the very least can help you find a way forward.
Having just had a termination for similar reasons my heart goes out to you. It is the most terrible decision to have to make, and I completely understand why you are haunted by it; I am too. It is also a terribly lonely place to be.
I haven’t felt able to post on here since I had the termination a fortnight ago, mainly because I have felt so grief-stricken. But reading your post and all the others in this and my thread has made me want to again - at the very least to offer virtual support; there is nothing worse than feeling alone.
If you feel it would help to have a private message exchange at some point (if that’s what it’s called - am still a bit new to all of this), please get in touch. No obligation of course.
Take care, Sniffer - I am thinking of you.
Bunny1, Jayney and Jane72 - my thoughts are with all of you too.
Well in this bizarre cancer world we live in it seems good news - Lymph nodes clear … just need more surgery to remove more cells and then start the wait all over again …x
its not really sunk in yet, i know i’m definately relieved but everything else is still going over my head.
Again thank you for all the messages unbelieveable support - each one makes me cry xxx
Oh that is such good news - I hope it has given you some comfort after all that you have gone through (and continue to suffer). I have been thinking of you all day.
I am in a similar position (ie clear lymph nodes but more surgery needed) and sort of got a date for the latter today. It has taken six weeks to get to this point but it feels like a little step forward after the pain and anguish of the last few weeks; I can see a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you will be able to as well.
Look after yourself. Sending you lots of positive thoughts.