Well this is my first time on here, and just wanted to know if anyone else out there has had the same feelings, bascially i am 36, and was diagnosed in Feb, i have had 5 months of chemo, (unfortunately it did not shrink the tumour) i then had a lumpectomy and Ovarectomy, followed by mastectomy and clearance. I have been told my lymph nodes were clear, but i had 3 sightings in my armpit, still unclear on the armpit bit!!! Anyway i have just finished my radiotherphy today, i am currenty taking Arimadex. I have been very positive throughout the treatment, and carried on working at getting on with my life, however, today, i am feeling really low, lots of my friends have called and wanted to celebrate, but why i am feeling sorry for myself, when i started the treatment, i always said if i get through this course i am going to live life to the full etc…i know it is early days, but i am shock at myself and feel ungrateful. Did anyone else feel like this?
I was 41 at dx last year and had chemo at the end of the year, then went on to Mastectomy, etc. earlier this year. I too was on Arimidex initially, but had that discontinued as I had some rather worrying side effects (as I did with chemo… my body struggles with most drugs!)! I had sailed through my dx & treatment mentally it was the physical problems I suffered with.
When I was told I was ‘cured’ (my consultants words!) I didn’t know how to react, my mother was visiting at the time and she was jumping up and down with joy, she could not understand how I felt, that I felt empty, lonely and I guess scared in a way? I felt sorry for myself… I never flinched when I found my lump, took 5 months to get round to seeing my GP, I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong (I’m a surgical nurse and see lumps all the time!) and in fact was very blase about those that panic before they are even dxd - which I know is very rude & uncaring and totally not me! Yet, once treatment had finished it was like I was in limbo all those pent up feelings that I had carefully and methodically hidden at the back of my mind, all came flooding out… I was grieving… a normal process for all of us, but we all cope in different ways and it presents at different times.
I’m now 8 months post Mastectomy and I can’t bare to look at the scar, when I check the area I do not look it’s all done by feel as I am repulsed at what’s there or not there! I am really stuck at the bottom of the grieving wheel and I don’t seem to be able to nudge myself up the other side, I do try hard not to let people see this side of me, I try and carry on as normal, try and be supportive to others just starting out the journey… yet inside I am being torn apart.
I don’t know what else to say to you as I can’t help myself, but I hope knowing that you are not alone makes you feel rather less isolated and lonely. I will be thinking of you.
Good grief Lynn It was like reading something I had written, I too feel really low at the moment and can’t seem to snap out of it. We show such a different face to others everybody thinks they understand but only those of us unluckly enough to be in this club do.
I hope you have a good friend you can talk to, please keep your chin up.
Hi Karon and Lynn
I haven’t visited the site for many months as I have felt quite good about life. I was dx in July 2005, FEC chemo, mastectomy, Taxol chemo and then rads followed by tamoxifen, full hysterectomy in March this year and now on Arimidex. Up until the last week, I have been feeling really good about life. But this last week has been awful. I am back on the scans and waiting results rollercoaster ride about my liver and all of a sudden I have turned into a miserable, depressing individual. I have managed to go through two years of treatments and trips backwards and forwards, I have two small children (who are fabulous), a wonderul husband and a full time job (that I used to love and now could take it or leave it) and I feel like I have reached my limit on how much more I can take. I capped all my emotions throughout the last two years and I feel like they are all bubbling just under the surface now. My tolerance levels are so low and yet normally I am so tolerant of people and the children. I cry at the drop of a hat (not very professional at work!!) and feel totally exhausted.
I guess it may have just hit me emotionally, but I hate it - I really don;t like being this miserable individual and I am struggling to hold it all in and away from my family - they don’t deserve this person to be around them, they deserve the happy, strong and fun me instead.
I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone - I just wish I had some answers for you both. If I find some, I will be the first to let you know. Like you both I am thinking of you and I wish you all the best.
