treatment finished but in despair

Hello,

I am posting this in two folders (this one, and radiotherapy as that was my most recent treatment) as I just need to hear some friendly words :frowning:

I am writing this while most of the world have a lie-in as it’s saturday but I can’t sleep.

I finished rads yesterday, that’s my treatment all done. I was sooooo happy.

Once or twice during chemo/rads I went psycho, usually after a drink. I have a friend who’s still having chemo and she said it’s understandable. But I hate myself, as I am usually such a nice, bubbly, positive person. When it happens it’s like a switch has been flicked and I just want to attack everyone around me and cause as much upset as possible, then when I have gone too far I am so ashamed.

I went Psycho last night - again - and in front of my parents, who had driven 200 miles to see me. If I didn’t live in the ground floor flat I’d throw myself off the roof. We had a really lovely meal last night and then went back to their hotel for a drink. At 11pm just before my taxi arrive to bring me and my boyfriend home, I picked a fight with a group of people in the bar, and even though I was out of order my dad stepped in to make sure these people didn’t kick the s*** out of me - the people were rough types and could quite easily have kicked the s*** out of my dad instead (my boyfriend was at the bar while it erupted or HE could have ended up in a brawl too) anyway it didn’t turn violent but my mum and dad said I was out of line, which I was, but in my inebriated state I would have aruged the sky was pink. I ended up ripping my wig off my head and calling myself a c*** ( which is a word I NEVER use, EVER) and my dad ended up in tears then he went off to his room before my taxi came. I have to go see them for Breakfast and apologise and somehow make it right. They love me unconditionally and I was just on self-destruct last night, and they drove all that way and I won’t see them again for ages and I just wish I could turn the clock back but I can’t.

Please tell me that it is understandable, if not excusable, to go off the rails when coping with something as major as cancer treatment. I am usually so upbeat and positive, I don’t mind talking openly about the whole BC thing but I am never down on myself, until once in a while I just see the red mist…

To make it worse, the last time my parents visited I went off on one in the restaurant and whilst I didnt almost get us all in a fight, my behaviour was embarrassing. So now my parents will think that’s how I behave every time I go out and have a few drinks, which it isn’t :frowning:

I know I have to apologise but I am dreading looking my poor dad in the eye. I really want my boyfriend to come with me when I go see them, but he is so tired and likes to sleep in on a weekend. I haven’t made him come to the hospital with me but I really need him this morning, to hide behind so to speak.

At one point in my treatment I even fell out with this forum over something small and stupid - I got a bit graphic when talking about one of my more embarrassing chemo side effects and just one person took offence so rather than saying sorry I took my bat and ball home and stopped posting. And now I need friends again.

I feel evil :frowning:

Well Clara

To be perfectly honest I think you need to go and see your parents and apologise and tell them that you know you have a problem and are going to get some help

clearly, the BC has put an extra strain on you and the problem has resurfaced

but you need to sort it out

let them know you love them and are very sorry … and then get some help

love FB xx

thanks Fiz, you are right.

there have been times I wanted to talk to someone like a counsellor but the times that I feel worst are not when someone is available.

in that case this may be something positive to come out of having BC

good luck when you speak with your parents
love FB xx

Clarabel34

I truly know where you are coming from, i to am usually a nice bubbly friendly person, but when i was having treatment and for a while after it, every time i had a drink i turned NASTY!!!
I mean nasty, my now hubby got the brunt of this i bawled at him told him to pack his bags that i hated him and didnt need him in my life…This breaks my heart as i love him sooo much!!!
Regardless to say he stuck by me and now we are married.
One of my best friends got it one night to, we went out and she couldnt believe how i was shouting and treating her, shes still here too.
Also my family who i luv very much had a taste of it.

Personnally i think its a delayed reaction that only comes out when we drink, thts only my perception though. It will get better believe me dont think yur turning into an evil person you are not, its this damn disease thats effecting you and you will get through it…i did…

Sending my luv to you
Allison xx

thanks Ally

I can’t phone them til 9am, 20mins to go

I wish my family could read the thread about anger (I just found it on the rads board) they think I am strange for contributing to internet forums too. Sometimes it is easier to talk to people you don’t know in real life.

Hi Clarabel

Nice to see you’re back - you have been missed on the forum! As FB says, I really do think you need some help - some form of counselling to help you manager your anger. Have you always been quick tempered or has it come on since diagnosis? It would seem that you only go off on one after drinking, so maybe you need to think about that? I have a bad temper that goes off in a second and I know that alcohol makes it a hundred times worse because sober I can moderate my behaviour and bite my tongue or choose my words more carefully if someone is irritating me etc but with alcohol, I am a loaded gun at times, so when I am in a bad mood, I wont drink at all. You need to go and see your parents and apologise. I guess they must be really worried about you because of your BC and your fiery temper. Counsellors are great as they help you recognise your weak spots and learn how to cope - I have seen one before, not recently but she made such a huge impact to my way of thinking. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You have been under horrendous stress and as you say you are OK 99% of the time! The fact that you know you need help means you already are on the way to doing something about it.

Good luck with your parents!

Cathy
xx

thanks Cathy

it is weird reading the words “you need help” because it’s hard hearing home truths :confused: But it is sort of comforting to know it’s not just me. I am not normally quick tempered. Things get on my t1ts (oop, bad choice of words) but I normally moderate my behaviour. I hate arguments and confrontations.

I had a bad day yesterday - it was raining all day, my parents’ journey down here took forever because of traffic AND they got a puncture, and I felt bad that they were having such an arduous journey and it should have been worthwhile for us to spend an evening together but I ruined it. I also saw my ex who hurt me badly, I have not seen him for years and he walked into the place I was having lunch with my current partner and I had to ask to move tables before he saw me. It brought some very strange and unwelcome feelings and memories back (not nice or happy ones)

I don’t know how to find a counsellor :frowning:

Hi Clarabel

Will the helpline give you suggestions on finding a counsellor? I went through my GP for mine years ago, but you can go privately. The British Association of Psycotherapists and Counsellors www.bacp.co.uk have a database of counsellors all over the UK and you can see their specialities and charges.

Hi Clarabel34

I have posted this on your other thread, too …

I just wondered if it may help if you talk to someone? You could start with ringing the Helpline, they’re great listeners and they will also be able to signpost you to further sources of help and support if you feel you need it.

Give them a ring if you need to talk, they’re open this morning from 9am until 2pm and Monday to Friday 9am until 5pm.

The number is 0808 800 6000

Kind regards

Louise
Facilitator

Clarabel

My gp suggested i hadnt dealt with the cancer, and i had to agree…

He told me to sit and write an essay type of thing from the very start when i found the lump taking it right through treatment to the end…

… Maybe u could try this before seeing a counsellor to see if it also helps you…I found with me i cried doing it and tht was the release i needed…

Let us know how u get on…
Allison xxx

Claire

If its any consolation I have had my “evil” moments too especially when I have had a few too many Gin and Tonics, I now hardly drink because I know that the combination of being depressed and drinking heavily rarely works and just makes you feel worse… The times I have laid into my long suffereing husband just because I felt he was doing something wrong (ususally a minor thing) is uncountable…since having cancer I dont suffer any fools gladly and especially if I happen to hear someone moaning about trivialities I am fit to burst!!

Your parents will understand even though they are hurt, please apologise and sit down and explain this is a combination of over indulgance and inner turmoil from your cancer expereience, its often likened to post traumatic stress, we have been through a whirlwind of horrors that we shouldnt have had to experience at our age and its not fair plian and simple, you need some help from your GP I think, my doc prescribed Effexor and I have calmed down alot, it may need tweaking to get the dose right but once you do it feels miles better, dont get me wrong I still want to punch the face off the nearest annoying person somedays but its not like before…also maybe lay off the drink for a bit, I dont get all agro unless I drink too much so keeping away from it has also helped.

Good luck Claire, please know your not alone…I feel you

Nikki

5 year survivor age 36

Sorry i got your name wrong Clarabel apologies ive just got up!

Hi Clarabel,
Don’t beat yourself up about it. Everyone goes on & on about anger management & self control etc. but humans have an inbuilt aggression component - unlike jellyfish. The world would be a nicer place if we all thought before we spoke and never responded to circumstances/other people/other nations in an explosive way blah, blah, blah. What a lot of toro caca. Better out than in, I say.
We have all been meekly putting ourselves into the hands of the medical profession & its professionals who have done with us pretty much as they bloody pleased for months and months and we’ve had to be deeply grateful for the incessant humiliation, pain, debility & powerlessness which we mostly are, of course, but hell! we’re humans too, you know. It’s not on hold for the duration, no matter how we bottle all the ‘negative’ response to stuff we wouldn’t tolerate for a moment under normal circumstances. Meanwhile we’ve had somehow to come to abrupt terms with issues of mortality, impermanence & loss that most people can deal with slowly and in their own time. Sure you’ve got a well of rage inside - I wouldn’t like to meet someone who didn’t. And so it errupted in a pub after you’d had a few. So what!!? - it happens all the time & mostly it doesn’t involve people who’ve had as much provocation as you’ve had over the past months. I don’t think you need help - though as you say, it is often easier to talk to people we don’t know, so a visit to a councillor to chat & set your mind at rest might be fun.

In the meantime - you don’t have to grovel to your parents. You blew a gasket after a few drinks let you relax the constant control. That’s all. They can take it as a compliment that you did it in their company - it means that they provided you with the security to be able to let go. The people who deserve an apology are probably the ones you picked a fight with - but who cares? It’s the price one pays for drinking where other people drink. I’ve been perfectly foul to folks who work on the academic journal I edit over the past months, which is somehow worse - & I don’t feel a particle of guilt. Better out than in, I say - and we deserve it!!!

Give them a hug & laugh about it - it’s no big deal. Thank them for helping you let out some of the pressure.
Have a great weekend - mechanical treatment is over!! Hurrah!
M-L xx

P.P. (on edit) If your dad went off in tears in sounds like he, too, was enabled by a few drinks to let out pent up emotion from the past months. General cleansing all round, I’d say.

Hi Emelle - nice to see you back too! I will use your comments in my defence when I have battered some poor soul (probably my husband) when I lose it!! I disagree about the world being a better place if we all watched our p’s and q’s - would be far more interesting if we could just give someone a smack in the teeth if they P**sed us off without any repercussions - a bit like the Wild West days! I also wish my work colleagues were as tolerant as yours must be - I would be shown the door if I was nasty to them and if I say one cross word to my patients (which I would sorely love to sometimes) I would definitely be out! I guess it just depends on where you work and more importantly , where you are in the pecking order!

Hi Clarabel,
personally i wouldnt worry too much, i slapped my sister at a big family wedding when i was on treatment and threatened to get thrown out of a stately home!!! You are coping with a lot and your bound to blow a gasket now and then. (i did find i couldnt handle my drink after chemo had started though)
Soon you will be able to see the funny side of it and i dont regret slapping my brat of a sister one little bit
Anna

Clarabel, I was able to get counselling through my breast/oncology clinic. Perhaps if you have a breast care nurse you could ask her about this. My oncologist had to overrule my GP on this as they needed his permission and he said no as he had a problem with the counsellor being a clinical psychologist. I have no idea why and this meant I was put back by about 4 months - finally my oncologist and a menopause consultant I was referred to said enough was enough as I was struggling with both the BC and the menopause. I have had 5 1 hour sessions now and have moved forward in a big way over the last 4 months - I am now able to approach things differently and am a lot less angry. I also find meditation and mindfulness yoga helps to calm me down.

As for using the C word - well, I am another who hates that swear word, but when I was very ill on chemo I called my fantastic OH an “effing c” because I was having difficulty getting out of the bath one night. He rightly walked away from me and said he wasn’t prepared to be spoken to like that as he was looking after me. When I apologised the following day he told me not to worry as he knew I was feeling really unwell the previous day and it had gone over his head anyway. Partners and family do understand, so please do not beat yourself up about it.

I cared for my dad when he was going into the middle stages of dementia and he used to say some very cruel and horrible things to me, but I used to just say to myself it was not my dad it was the illness talking - I am sure people will be thinking this about you.

Oh Clara, I so know where you’re coming from

My outbursts haven’t been out of the house, but I sometimes have so much anger that I’ve found myself throwing things and feeling completely out of control

I’m sure your parents will understand, if you explain, and maybe your GP can offer some councelling, I know it’s helped me.

Love, Rx

I nearly got arrested in Safeway in Stratford when they queried a £6 credit card payment - I’d been rung up at home by the bank and refused to give out my details and so they decided I was suspect. My mother was there and said I was ill. I nearly bit her on the arm I was so cross. It was about six months after I’d finished cancer treatment

I’m afraid anger is natural.

Mole

Just a thought Clara, do you have occupational health where you work? I got counselling through them though i work in the NHS.
Best of luck with your parents. As a parent myself, im sure they will forgive and forget.
Love
Ann x