Trying to cope ten years on

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I was diagnosed in 2005 aged 39 with a 3 year old son.    A lumpectomy, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and 5 years of tamoxifen followed,   Thank God I am now phyusically fine but  I am en emotional mess.    Since coming off treatment my dear mum spent weeks in hoptial died and my dear dad spent many months in hospital before dying last October.     As an only child I coped with the beareavements and associated practical issues alone.    The last ten years have been awful and I just want to hide away and cry all of the time.    I was a slim size 12 when diagnosed but am now a size 18-20.

 

This was all exacerated by my in-laws stating that I should not have had chemetherapy because “of inconvenience to the family”.       

 

My son is now a sulkly 13 year old and my husband has no emotional understanding whatsoever. 

 

How can I get some self esteem back and start to feel near normal again?

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Hi Sue; you’ve been through an awful time and I sense a feeling of isolation in your post and the need for support from somewhere as its not forthcoming from your family.  Are there any local support groups in your area; have you got a close friend to confide in?  It may be that you need to seek counselling through your GP practice.  

 

The emotional upheaval that having breast cancer brings is difficult to understand for those who’ve never been diagnosed.  Those gremlins lurk in the background.  I was diagnosed around three and a half years ago and can say that I think about some aspect of my diagnosis/treatment every single day and anniversaries of diagnosis/operation are always more difficult for me and I need to find ways of helping me through those days.  Unfortunately I found my breast lump on Christmas Day and nowadays I just don’t enjoy Christmas anymore and prefer to go somewhere away from it all with my family and that’s my way of coping.

 

I’ve also joined a local choir and that has been a very uplifting experience and singing always makes me feel happier and the choir are very supportive of me. 

 

I hope you find the support you need x

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Hi Sue, you poor love, you have had so much to cope with without the support you deserve it’s no wonder you feel so low, 13 year old sulky son aside… I’ve got two sons in their 20’s… Trust me that’s normal! … Your Husband and in laws cannot be let off so easily though and should be the ones holding you up not criticising you choosing treatment to save your life! I’m only a few months on from diagnosis and have other things going on to deal with too and had it not been for my Rock of a husband I would have sunk I’m sure.

i would suggest talking to your doctor to get some help to cope, I’m on antidepressants and they make me feel wonderful, there is no shame in doing what you have to get you through, then start taking small steps towards getting your happy self back, join a slimming club if your weight is bothering you, it will help to have others to talk to and they will give you plenty of support. Make life going forward about you now, it’s too precious to waste and having being through such tough times you deserve to find happiness again, doing something little each day that’s all about you and making you feel good ? your a 10 year Survivor that’s plenty to celebrate! Take care love Jo Xx 

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Sue I agree with the other comments. Amazing news to reach 10 year mark. I’m only 1 year passed dx and also have sulky teenager (who is very kind really!) And unsupportive husband who has been of little practical support and zero emotional support.

My in laws also think my treatment and was selfish as my husband had to delay a knee op!!

I too have put on weight and determined to start afresh now I’ve reached my dx anniversary. Healthy eating, regular exercise and I’ve just signed up for the Macmillan hope course. Have you done anything like that or got support groups locally? Talking, getting control of your weight and fitness will all make you feel more confident x

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I can understand. It’s so hard to get up and to try and move on. The lack of educated people knowing what to do or even understand. I suffer from anxiety and that off work with stress. I don’t ever want to go back as they are so young and judgemental that it terrifies me to go there as they’re attitudes are awful. Couldn’t spell the other work. Bloody cognitive dysfunction. I hate being so stupid and the chemo and medication effects left with. I wonder if I am ever going to feel wonderful and outgoing again. I fear so much and u hear so much u can’t have this or this. It drives u to distraction. I am fortunate to have my partner but I worry that soon he’s going to say enough is enough.
I HATE CANCER ???. Look for the positive ? yeah right I live in rainy Wales looking at the window at lovely view is gloomy ?

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Hi. I totally relate to this thread. It’s a fact that BC completely changed the course of my life in ways that ‘uneducated’ ppl really don’t understand. I was diagnosed 11 yrs ago aged 37. Half way through training to become a nurse. Mastectomy, reconstruction (tram flap), chemo, fads, oophrectomy, tamoxifen and femara.
Husband left me half way through chemo! Took my mind off the side effects but boy did I lose all my self esteem. One boob, no hair, weight gain from dex. My recon was delayed for 2 yrs. Prior to BC I was outgoing and confident.
Anyway I did eventually bounce back as my hair grew back and I finished my nursing course, but my self esteem has been seriously knocked. I have scars across my tummy and breast, but I honestly think the wobbly self-esteem is from within. It’s not just physical insecurities that get me down but I have suffered effects from all those treatments as well as early menopause. I’m old before my time! And the main issue is lack of libido and other problems in that dept caused by menopause again. So I have been on my own for the past three years and can’t see that changing. I feel as though life goes on around me and I watch it through the TV and Facebook but have no desire to join in!
I’m sorry if I sound so negative. I have been ‘admired’ by those around me for my so called strength and tenacity! If only they knew the truth! To top things right now I am being investigated for possible bone mets. But that’s a different subject!
Anyway I just wanted to say that I 100% understand where you are coming from
Mandy xx

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Sue - good for you for coming on here and congrats on your 10 years. You’ve already been given some really good, helpful advice.That was a brilliant suggestion of Jobey about joining a slimming club as a way to meet other people as well. My Mum met one of her best friends through “Slimmers” years ago. Used to wear their lightest clothes for their weigh in and always went for a drink (usually 3 or 4 !!), chat and giggle afterwards. They both did lose a lot of weight and used to buoy each other up.

Have you had any breavement counselling?? It helped me a lot and I believe “Cruise” are a very good source.  I think I need a labotomy as well though.

What is wrong with all these blokes. You make me feel glad I don’t have one, but I’m gay (or used to be !!) as of my last two partners, but certain women can be lacking in support also as of my last partner. I’m a 9yr and 8yr mastectomier. Single, haven’t had a partner since my 2ndmast  2007, lost her, lost all 3 of my family members, had to give up my biz, income and home, and move area all in the last 9 years so I too can relate to what you’re saying. I’ve been in a mess mentally the last 6 years. I’ve asked JOBEY what antidepressants she’s on and dose and she STILL HASN’T TOLD ME !! (Consider yourself told off and *please let me know will you* ).

I promised myself long awaited reconstruction when I moved 2 years ago, in an attempt to rebuild my confidence to get back onto the dating horse and hopefully find myself a DECENT partner like Jobey’s darling husband but without the hairy arms, legs and moustache.  Am part way through. Got all excited to begin with (it’s a long slog of a commitment from no boobs 1 - 1 1/2yrs to having nipple recon and finally tattooed),  Had my 2nd op cancelled and haven’t yet gone back to it because I went back into a horrible slump. And I purposely didn’t get down to job hunting because of all the appointments - didn’t feel I could handle boob recon AND looking for a job or working as well as. Wished I had now.  Sooo . .  I  need a job, income and a DECENT, good partner, plus get back to my interests and meeting a few people along the way.

 

Yes Elsa, I agree - singing’s great for lifting your spirits. I watch Gareth Whatshisname, he’s quite revived peoples interest in choirs. What a bleeping awful Christmas present for you.

Hey Nic, pretty much everywhere is rainy these days, not just Wales, though it’s been nice here the last few days in the usual rainy North (12 miles S of Manchester).  I saw the most delicate, lovely looking BUTTERFLY today, couldn’t believe it nearly through Oct,  but it has been warm yesterday and today afternoons. Made me smile. Think it might have been my Mum saying Hello.

 

Mandy, Oh flip (polite word) with ref to your bone investigations. What have you been experiencing that it’s being looked into ?? Good for you finishing your nursing training and, pardon me for saying, as a more mature student. I miss my profession and biz. Haven’t been able to get myself back on track since and I do need to sort an income. That was young at 37  for BC and oophrectomy. Have you any children or is that a sore point as well - you didn’t mention.  I make no apology whatsoever for saying you’re husband was a RAT to do that to you part through you’re treatment, but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of it. Perhaps all we singletons should get together, live in a commune, start up a choir and I’ll retrain in counselling. Jobey’s husband’s good at cooking (you lucky mare) - does a mean steak and chips so we can invite them over occasoinally. I’ll start looking for a big house somewhere. If we pool our resources, we might be able to live by the sea somewhere - what do say ?? (In your dreams Delly)

 

Well, we’ve all had a good moan (except Jobey - am teasing you lovey !!). It does you good, so don’t think you’re being a mis - it’s allowed on here.

Love to you all

DoolallyDelly xxxxxxxxx 

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Delly,
I’m in on that commune! I can’t sing though! I thought I could til my daughter recorded me about 12 years ago and I was devastated! Haha!
I’m not great at cooking either! Oh dear…not a great commune-mate! I can look after the Chickens and grow veg!
I was a bit miserable the other day … Sorry! Obviously needed to vent! I have had some really great times between diagnosis and now - honest! And I have 3 children in their 20’s plus my gorgeous 3 yr old grandson. By the way jobs are over rated! I have one and I wish I didn’t! I want to retire (to the commune by the sea…my dogs would love it!).
I have a bone scan Monday for possible rib mets. The pain is constant and I can’t work as it makes it worse. When I’m not working though it is manageable with pain meds and I’m getting on with studying. It’s a lot worse at night and throbs and burns away. Hopefully it’s something less serious than my Doc seems to think. Whatever it is its getting me down - hence the miserable post!
Anyway thanks for cheering me up. I’ll keep you posted about my results.
Mandy xxx

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Well - bloomin 'eck Jobey - thanks at last. Haven’t heard of them. Do they make you groggy at all or vacant headed - that’s been my previous prob with tabs. And MOST importantly - are you okay drinking with them (as long as your not driving of course). I must write their name down now otherwise I’ll forget what thread I’ve read it on. I’ll give them a Google.

No I’m not disappearing and you’re an abfab sweetie for saying that. But I’ve been spending too much time on this forum and on my backside, which, as I said elsewhere recently, needs firming up not flattening with all this sitting…   And yes - we all know about your gem of a husband - his ears and head must be glowing with all this praise and envy.

 

I don’t know what’s happened to Sue and the others, but it was back in August that they posted.

I’ll have to make do with Jobey and Mandy.

Mandy - don’t let Jobey fool you, I’ ve posted some b***dy miserable posts on the “Just Diagnosed” section - (though Im long not) in the last month. Seriously - I hope you haven’t been down to the same depths and I’ve got a long way to go yet, I’m becoming famous on this forum for my incredibly loooong posts, as you’ve probably noticed.   if I can stop flattening my a # # e/bum I might get round to doing more to get myself out of my hole.  I started with a progressive hand problem two years ago and I’m more upset about that than ANY of my BC. My left hand fingers are beginning to claw up and I cant spread them as far now.  So don’t even think about apologising to ME. I don’t think anyone minds - and especially on this thread - we’ve ALL had a particularly rough, tough time of it - except JOBEY ! Heee-haw.

Sorry - I’m gonna be a bit brutal now, I hope it wont offend you. So your RAT not only walked out on you midway through chemo 11 years ago - you also had three kids to take care of as well - JEEZ. All at the age of 37 and you’re now 48.  No libido ? Do you not look at good looking guys on tv and films, in the hospital or pass on the street and go “phhwwarr” any more, or do but it’s nothing more deeper ? You never know, I read about Nettles recently (no not the weed), she met someone recently and he loves her and her recon boob - does NOT have a problem with it. Can’t remember what thread now.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you can sing, I used to know of a “Can’t Sing Choir” - never went to see them. I joke to people when they ask my name, which is Adele, If you want to remember it, just think of the famous singer. I can think I can sing better than her but I don’t earn her income. wish I did.

I can cook, but hate cooking for myself. Love Italian - any kind of Mediterranean. Not much good at steak and chips (that’s whatever J’s hubby’s called department - What is he called your gem Jobey?). I’m not so good at the practical diy stuff now with my fingers.

Not that into dogs but sure I could grow to like em - as long as they’re not smelly ones or bite holes in my hands.  I have a cat who’s fed up with me. She’s happier when Im happier.  If we don’t get more interest from anyone else, it may have to be a beach hut. Mind you, I shared a little old campervan with my last partner - no not to live in. Loved it Had a solid high top so you could stand up in it. Toured parts of the West coast of Scotland and Islands - stunning up there. + Pembrokeshire.I’d love a slightly bigger, more modern one. We didn’t have a toilet - just a bucket that we put a bin liner in if it was no 2’s  HAHA. So much easier than having to empty out toilet cartidges. We’d put it in a PDU -Poo Disposal Unit i.e. a bin !! No 1’s were just bucket and chuck it !! We were very clean with everything. 

So I’ve rambled enough now before I get to the serious stuff -  Monday. Hummmm. What kind of scan?When you say your Doc, do you mean surgeon or GP. How long have you been off work? Sounds awful for you, Im really sorry you’re having so much pain. I feel upset for you whilst I’m typing this. Let us know wont you, if and when you feel up to it. What are you studying for? Further nursing quals, degree or further, or something else? not surprised it’s making you feel mis. Hope your managing to get some sleep - listen me Mother hen. 

I can’t believe the length of this post - think I’ve excelled myself. If you’ve got this far without zzzzzz’s, I don’t care !!

Lotsa love Dellywelly xx

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Delly the tablets are great and don’t make me feel groggy at all, and yes I drink with them! I’m taking Tamoxifen and they help with side effects which is why I’m on them really ? Hubby is a builder so no problem on the diy front in our house!! I will add he was only 18 when we met so I like to take full credit for how he’s turned out lol ?