Finished treatment in May, now on Tamoxifen and Zoladex. Started back at work last Monday and only doing 4 hrs a day- thought I could just pick up where I left off but I can’t seem to. I am hating work so much right now. Really wish I did not have to work but financially we need 2 incomes to balance things out. Everyone at work has been so supportive but I am just hating being at work. i feel I want to resign but have no idea what I would do if I did. I work as a nurse in a hospital, and have found it diffcult being in a hospital enviroment - I just do not want to be around sick people. It didn’t help on my first week back I had tonsilitis and a raging temperature - the weather was really horrible too. I am trying to be kind to myself but I am so unmotivated - I feel like I am slipping back into all the craziness of before BC. I really want to make a fresh start but don’t know how…
I finished treatment in mid Feb after a mastectomy before Christmas and 3 weeks of rads and returned to work 6 weeks later the day after Easter Monday.
So I wasn’t off work for very long - about 16 weeks but I still found the return quite difficult. I teach but as I job share its just 3 days a week. Initially it was physically very tiring and also quite a shock going back into a noisy classroom after being at home on my own. There was a lack of motivation at the beginning and for the first couple of weeks I just ‘coasted’ as I tried to pick up the threads. Then it was the two week ‘spring break’ which was useful and then back again. Like your colleagues everyone was very supportive but there are still expectations either from others or in my case from myself of all that needed to be done.
Its now almost 4 months since my return and the end of term is approaching, I would now say that I am now almost back to normal in terms of teaching in the classroom and all the admin side. My enthusiasm is back but I think my day to day priorities have changed.
I think I would suggest that if you can, you stick it out for a few weeks before you make any major decisions and give yourself time to think things through. Have you got any annual leave coming up or a holiday to look forward to? Before bc were you enjoying the job or were you already thinking of doing something different?
And of course now could be the perfect time to change as you perhaps re-order your priorities and plans for the future, and whilst you think about it at least you have some money coming in.
All the best as you make decisions and I hope that next week at work is more enjoyable.
M x
Sorry to hear that you are not enjoying being back at work. I was back to work 2 weeks after my surgey and worked full time until my rads started, I arranged rads for late afternoon and left the office a couple of hours early to travel to the hospital. I went back full time the day after rads finished … I must say all this was my choice and no pressure was put on me by my employers.
I wouldn’t say I love my job, it’s actually a bit boring in accounts - but I really like the ppl I work with so that is what gets me going into the office all day. I don’t have a husband or live in partner, just me and my son who’s also working full-time, my family are about 200 miles away and I have no friends in this area other than those I work will (moved here after my son left school 3 years ago and it’s difficult to make friends in a new place) so if I was off work I was on my own all day … best place for me was work, even if I was on light duties.
I imagine if you have been off work for some time it is difficult to get back into the swing of things, and I can see that being in a hospital environment after all the treatment and clinic appointments will not be the easiest place to have to spend your working day.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do and hope things get easier for you.
Hello MouseH
I am a nurse too and I am taking letrozole to shrink my tumour before surgery. I was diagnosed in feb and went back to work in april and I felt just like you do. I felt I could’nt deal with my own difficulties without taking on board everyone elses problems and all the madness that goes with working in a hospital environment. My collegues have been exeptional in their support and I have survived so far and I think working has given me back some normality for now.
Perhaps you hav’nt had the best start back to work with tonsilitis and the vile weather, but I have found contact with patients helpful in a way because having been diagnosed with such a disease it makes you look at things differently and maybe makes you a better nurse for it.
As you are only back for four hours per day at the moment you could give yourself chance to settle down and get back to your usual self at work, don’t give up yet. I am having my surgery at the end of august and will need a nurse, as do many people in a vunerable situation like ours. I am rambling now, sorry.
Are you having a phased return with support from occi health? Perhaps you need to reduce the hours initially. I work in a hospital as a social worker and occi health got me up to full time hours over a 6 month period. Good luck.
I would agree with you that the last place you want to be is a hospital if you are going back to work. I could never work in a hospital as I hate doctors, nurses, hospital librarians and anyone in a white coat
sorry please don’t take it personally but I’d rather die than be a medic or anything similar
Mole
Hi mouseh,
Go back to occi health and ask for help. They might do a counselling service as well that coould be of help. I’m in the same profession but not back to work unitl August. I have to be up and running by then as I’ve got a degree to do in Sept. I haven’t been through chemo, just rads as I write. I all ready know that I will have a phased return to work. I’m sure no one can predict how we will all be when it is time to go back so don’t be hard on yourself.
Toffee
I was off work a whole year in total because of numerous operations then chemo and rads afterwards. I work in a primary school assisting children with special needs. Everybody at work have been fantastic but I too have found it very difficult and don’t seem to have the same enthusiasm, patience or noise tolerance I had before.
Occupational health have gradually built up my hours over a period of weeks and I am now back to a full day. I have been wondering wether or not to give up work. I am 44 years old and I feel utterly worn out. I go back to school in September for one week then I’m having reconstructive surgery so will be off for a couple of months.
People expect me to be ok because I look so much better and all the treatment has finished. But I feel different and I swear the chemo has scambled my brain. Will I ever feel normal again?
diddly
Hi Mouse - I am due back to work in 3 weeks after being off for 14 months. I don’t want to go back but like you can’t afford not to - we still have youngest daugher at uni and are supporting her. Even without that I don’t think I could give up.
I went through occi health which I instigated as my department didn’t seem to have a clue. She asked me to stay off another month until August and then go back slowly on a phased return using my annual leave from last year. This would leave my annual leave for this year coming to take and I feel that I need to have that as a backup if I get tired etc.
Now apparently my new boss has suggested that I now stay off for the 6 weeks using my annual leave from last year and then start a phased return using my annual leave from this year. That would mean that I won’t get the slow phased return that I wanted or use my annual leave and having nothing left. I am sure they can’t make me do this can they? I was hoping to just work a couple of mornings a week for 2 weeks, then 2 days for 2 weeks and build up it up like that. I don’'t want to rush back as I know of others that have gone back too quickly only endng up taking more time off through stress.
I am to have a meeting with HR and my manager soon to discuss my return. I am now stressed at the thought of what they are going to say. I will tell them that I don’t want to stay off another 6 weeks - I don’t want to delay it any longer as the feelings will just get worse. and I also don’t want to use my annual leave for the next year
I would be grateful if anybody has any advice for me.
Liz xx
Thank you so much for taking time to listen and respond. My 2nd week has been a bit better. Went to my GP and got antibiotics for my tonsilitis - so thats cleared up - and yes the sun is shining this week.
I am learning to be kinder to myself and trying not to rush things too much. My manager has agreed for me to take annual leave days when I feel I am really tired - so thats quite helpful so I don’t feel so pressureised. And yes maybe its time for me to take a good look and re-evaluate my life and do something that I have always wanted to try. I have seen a few jobs advertised that I am going to apply for and see where that takes me - well you never know until you try it right.
Thank goodness for this forum - you wonderful ladies if only you knew what an impact your responses have on me - for that I am grateful always. For everyone on that journey going back to work - hang in there its tough but hopefully it does get better.
Hugs Heather
Glad to hear that this week has been a bit better Heather, that your tonsilitis hass cleared up and the sun is shinning.
All the best as you think about other areas to try and for the jobs you are going to apply for.
lots of love
M x
Dear Heather
Glad to hear you feel you can think things through. Continue to pace yourself and let us know how you get on.
Lv Crispy
Dear MouseH and all the other ladies on this thread
I could hardly believe that someone felt the same way as I do about going back to work - thank you.
I am a self-employed proofreader and I have had a year off due to treatment, which has been long and arduous. I work on my own, at home, and it is so difficult to motivate myself. Like you, financially I have got to work, and that is my only motivation.
My problem is that I actually look back on my period of treatment with great affection and even longing. All throughout, I felt cared for, and I had so much time to think, read, relax - and now, as mouseH says, I feel as if I am just going back to the pre-BC madness of crazy deadlines and demanding clients.
The problem is I don’t feel I am that same workaholic person anymore who ‘never said no’. I feel I learned so much about myself and life in general during treatment that I just cannot fit back into that slot - I feel I will lose everything I have learned and gained.
Any advice from ladies who have managed a return to work (or a career change) is most welcome as this is getting me so down, much more than the BC did.
OMG, just reading through the post from you guys. i graduated from uni last year July, all through summer I was having chemo and finiahed rads in Nov 2008. Went on fab holiday in jan. i am ready to work and want to go to work…in fact the thing that kept me going through chemo etc was finding a job and moving on with my life. i am finding it hard to get into work. i expected this as a graduate that it would ve hared but this is diabolical. i did a creatice degree but i would like to get into a PR/marketing role. i have had lots of work expereince but finding it very hard. Also thinking now is this what i want to do??? I feel this situation IS making me more unhappy and depressed than BC.
Why does this b****y BC turn life upside down and inside out and then expects you to pick up where you left on when DX.!