You know what its like when you are having treatment. You promise yourself that you wont mix any more with people who bring you down, that are always miserable/negative and generaly people you dont like.
But what do you do when its your brother?
Cant go too much into it as its been going on for the last almost 20 years.
But to cut along story short and missing out loads, brother marries into muslim family and goes off to live in OZ. Has children now. Before he left him and his bloody wife- to -be gave us so much grief because we wont conform to ‘muslim ways’ that they want to live by. Anyway after a major bust up that resulted in HER almost attacking my poor mum in her own home we didnt speak to them for 5 years. By this time they were living their life in OZ. After princess Di died he contacted us saying lifes too short etc. We all took it slowly at first, everything went gingerly ok. Now and again things have sprung up but nothing too major. Now its all brewing again and it will always be the same. We are all now getting aload of crap and almost verbal abuse from him (she is behind most of it) so what do i do.
I am churned up constantly thinking about it all and everytime i check my email account i feel sick incase he has emailed me.
I know he is worried about being cut off again ( and i do love him) but do i cut him out of my life in hopefully avoiding making myself ill or what shall i do.? any sugestions.
My son is married to a Turkish Moslem and he did not convert.There have been no probs and her family and ours respect each others beliefs.At first meeting her grandfather and my RC husband exchanged prayerbeads and rosary.I think all you can do is avoid topics which could give offence and avoid anything which alludes to religion.Can you say what it is that causes the problem?I know a bit about that minefield and may be able to help.Vx
There will always be little things but the biggest thing at the moment as he wants us to call him by his muslim name. We wont do this and its really upset mum and dad, i have pointed out that at their time of life they dont need this gried and they lovingly chose his name when he was born. Does it really bloody matter that we call him by his real name, and his muslim family can call him what he wants! Arrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Also SHE wants an apology for the hurtful letter (oh yes it was a good one) i wrote to them when she almost attacked mum but this was 16 years ago. I said i would happily appologise if she appologises to mum first for the attack which lead me to write the letter in the first place. But that will never happen as she thinks everyone is against them and they can do no wrong!
I think you are absolutely right about the letters.The first apology should come from her.Moslem girls are taught to be very respectful towards their mother in law but they often fear m-i-l’s place in the man’s affections.She is acting against her religion by behaving like this and could be gently reminded of this!As for the name would it really matter so much if you used his preferred name while explaining that it is too much to expect of his parents.My grand-daughter was given a name[Serra] which works in both faiths.She was also given a moslem naming ceremony as well as baptism.Converts are often more zealous than those born into a faith but it sounds as if your brother too needs reminding that his new religion demands honour and respect for his parents.You could give a little yourself[as you say life’s too short]in order to secure a happy outcome for your parents.Love and luck,Vxx
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation. Obviously you love your brother and don’t want to cut him out of your life again. If your brother has chose to convert to his wifes religion and follow her faith then this has to be respected - however he should in turn respect you and your family and not expect you to follow the same beleifs and customs. This has been a choice that he has made for himself and he has no right to press this upon the rest of you. With regards to his name I think this is a tricky one - respecting his choice fully would mean accepting his new name but I can still see that you would wish to continue calling him by the name given to him at birth … my brother is always called Michael by all the family but Mick by his friends, not quite the same I know but the principal is the same. I fear that your sister-in-law is determined to stick to her views and continue to drive a wedge between your brother and your family.
Perhaps you could contact him and say that you love him and want to stay in contact, but this can only work if all concerned agree not to bring religion or customs into the relationship.
I hope that you are able to find a way to resolve this.
He has had this name for the last 15 years but has always said call me what comes easy to you but i would prefer you to use my muslim name. So we have always called him by his birth name.Then afew weeks ago he decided he wanted us to “make an effort” to call him by it. So i replied that i couldnt do this and how can you call someone yasin instead of Steven? its impossible and i feel that he is trying to goad (spelling?) us into the next confrontation. Even if we did use his muslim name, she will never drop the ‘letter’ episode till i apologise to her. I feel its a no-win situation. Its either ALL their way or noway.
If your brother has suddenly moved the goal posts regarding the name issue then I can see why you think it’s a way to goad you into another confrontaion … if he was previously happy to let you continue to call him Steven and now there is a sudden change then that is unfair to all of you.
Your sister in law does sound like a very determined woman who is going to continue to beleive that she is right and you are wrong no matter what. I really don’t know what to advise, but wish you luck in getting a resolution that works for everyone.
I emailed him last week after his last outburst to mum. In it he said he had recieved an aggressive email from me (it wasnt aggressive at all) and said that because i attached some ‘smiling happy faces’ to it said ‘schitzophrenic’ comes to mind.!!! What i actually did was started off with a freindly paragraph about our holiday that we had just come back from. I then wroote a section about needing to talk about this ‘name’ problem we have, then i said right enough of that and carried on in a freindly way and said at the end i have attached some of our holiday photos as its not very often we take a camera with us and even rarer i have my wig on and my make-up at the same time.Then he goes off on one about me having some sinister motifs for smiling on my holiday pics!! See what i mean. Just cant win. They sound bitter and twisted and i really dont think i want to have the rest of my life with this continued aggro. He also said that she will NEVER get over the fact that when she had a hysterectomy one year ago we didnt give her enough support? for gods sake what are we supposed to do. Mum rang everyday for a fortnight, i phoned 3 times and sent card and emailed loads BUT thats not enough because when i was DX with BC they phoned me every week and sent me gifts!!! so i have reminded him that i also had a hysterectomy 5 years ago and cant remember getting a phone call or card then but then again i dont keep a record of who says and does what: Sorry to go on but this is how much it winds me up till i feel like exploding.
Maybe time to set this aside love you cant keep on getting worked up over these egoistical people.Tell your mum you are backing off for now and that you love them both especially your mum but cant accept any more hassle.
divorce the lot of them
hello pineapple
really sorry you are having to put up with all of this …
In my opinion (as has been reviosuly said by I think Val on a previous post) …
* your mum and dad should call him whatever they want
* I think you should call him whatever he wants to be called except in from t of yourmum and dad
* your SIL should apologize to your mum.
If she doesn’t want to do this then I think you should maintain contact with your brother. She won’t like it and may come round. There is the risk that he will cut off communication - but it sounds as though you don’t want her to have it all her own way anyway … i.e. you don;t want communication at all costs.
You need to make it very clear to your brother that you love him and don’t want to lose contact with him again. Perhaps you could ring him on Skype or something - so she’s not reading the e-mails.
Good luck
love FB xx
hi ,
I know a little bit because my brother is married to a muslim too!..we live in northern ireland, they in Leeds, met at Dundee uni…been thro the " arranged marriage thinjg" ect!! but maybe just me SIL…up her own backside…shes a GP (albeit through a back door, didnt get the Scottish Highers but did a degree in bio-chemistry first!) ok im a bitch…but true…but thinks she knows all about BC…im fed up…shes uncaring, more annoyed that my daughter was there recently with nits…which incidently have been long term leeds variety from her son!..Rants…but i had an op 4 weeks ago, mum took 7 yr old there, mum has BC too…half way thro herceptin, she did the cooking, irioning and childminded 2, 7 yr olds and a 4 yr old…and at times SHE was sitting watching tv!!
Sorry re rant, but smug Sils do my head in!!
We in Ni have a strong work ethic and she thinks shes a princess!!..ok shes a size 6 and beautiful…but!!
Hope she doesnt see this, but alas no…shes too lazy!
Ginjill
Hi Pineapple
I agree with most on here and you have had good advise already, particularly reminding them about respect for their parents in the muslim faith. I just wanted to add a point about the name from your angle (not mum and dad as they named their son and he should repect and respond to them for this). I am a teacher and know that if I call a pupil by the wrong name, even briefly then apologise and correct this, they hate it! In the past this has got me thinking about our name and I have realised it is central to our self and our identity, and if someone calls me by the wrong name I always correct them, this often happens with my surname. This is because I have realised the importance of my name as being a central part of me, and so could you respect your brothers choice to be known by this muslim name? It may also be whats needed to start the reconciliation process that is still not fully in place. Good luck.
Irene
Oh, Pineapple, Pineapple, Pineapple
You don’t need all this aggro, little one. You’ve got enough to contend with. Presumably it was his choice to move to Oz, marry a Muslim, change faith? Let them get on with it! Does he get home to visit and does he bring his wife? Sometimes it’s just easier to let people go.
I needed to do this with my sister. She loves me and I suppose I love her, but she was just crushing me and suffocating me. I asked her to back off but she wouldn’t. She was phoning 3, 4, 5 times EVERY day asking how I was (this was when I was having chemo and felt like sh1t most of the time but trying not to show it). I dreaded answering the phone. When she visited, she wouldn’t let me move off the settee, trying to anticipate my every need. She needed me to be an invalid! In the end, I told her I couldn’t speak to her again because she was suffocating me. Since then, I’ve been so much more relaxed and at peace with myself and the world.
I truly hope you find the peace and relaxation you need, and by whatever means it takes.
Good luck to us all.
Maureen xx
I agree with Maureen. I’ve had major problems with my sister who lives abroad since diagnosis; she comes over on visits and either doesn’t spend any time with me or she flounces round like nothing has been going on - it’s like a state of denial and I found it so stressful that she hasn’t faced up to things with my health. She has just been here for 2 weeks and didn’t even ask me how I was feeling!
I am seeing a psychologist for counselling via my clinic and she told me the other week as I was in danger of this taking over my life and not being able to move on from it. The following day I was cleaning the bathroom when I was at home on my own and I had a “moment of clarity” if you like. I only saw my sister twice in the 2 weeks she was here and I just decided there and then to let her go her own way - I cannot help it if she cannot deal with this and as I’m making progress I refuse to let her behaviour undermine my confidence, which has been fragile but is now coming back to me in a good way. I was up to 99 just before my sister came over, now I’m indifferent to it. I’m not her keeper and she’s not mines. TBH letting go has been a huge relief.
Well, thanks for the comments. Its good to know that there are other people with family problems not just me! but sorry you all have to deal with this C***. I have not had a reply from brov, so nothing to report. I do know that she will never say sorry to mum and dad like i have asked her to do on my last email. She would rather die than do that so its up to her. If she will never get over us 'ignoring’her when she had her op and the letter i wrote 16 years ago then we cant carry on can we as she will never get over it so theres no point in going on about it year after year. She needs help for her obvious mental health condition, i really have no idea whats wrong with her. But they can leave me alone.
Life’s too short for this kind of hassle. People often are called one thing by their family and something different by everyone else. I had an uncle who was christened Richard Wilfred. His family called him Wilfred; he used Richard everywhere else. Tell your brother that so far as family are concerned he is Steven [which has the lovely meaning of “crown”], and if he wants to be called something different by others that is his affair, and that’s that.
However I think Molennium may have a point!
I suppose the most annoying thing is its ok for everyone else to call him Steven, but only his muslim family and freinds call him by his muslim name. So here we are again, the muslim way being pushed on us non muslims.
It’s funny how an illness like this brings these matters to the front of your mind. My own brother has been a complete git with my family (and my parents) since marrying. I told him I had BC and his reaction? “Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for letting me know” and he hung up on me! I’ve never heard anything since from him or his.
I no longer have a brother. To think I was considering surrogacy for him and his wife when they were having problems conceiving (now adopted 2 children a year ago I have never seen). Thank goodness I realised what awful people they are in time. My brother lives 15 miles away from me.
I agree with Phoebe - Molennium has a point. If BC teaches us nothing else, we can gain the knowledge that life is just too short to allow people like that to mar it. There’s enough hassles in everybody’s lives without family adding to it.
I’d suggest “back off”. Next move is his. And if there is no next move - it’s his loss not yours.
Take care of yourself Pineapple, and everybody else with family hassles
Sue xx
Brothers!
I have been bullied by my brother in various ways for fifty years, but after the last occasion, I told him what he could do!
That is the first time I have fought back in all that time, never even telling tales about him to parents and believe me I have tales to tell.
He hasn’t rang me or written to me since, he really believes he is the innocent party.
It is sad that this has finally happened as we have another brother with special needs who we should be communicating with each other about, but Steve is well looked after by his carers and I see him when ever I can.
I can’t pretend I am completely relieved at having stopped speaking to my elder brother but I am trying to focus on my own needs for once in my life.
Look after yourself Pineapple and get well before you try to deal with any more family issues.
Merlyn