I found out last week that a cousin just a few years older than me now has brain mets. (I am 46). She doesn’t live near us but we spent a lot of our early childhood together. I have written to her since I knew she had breast cancer, she was diagnosed 2 years ago, and I myself went through it last year, so I thought we could help support each other. However contact has been infrequent, and she has a good family support network around her.
On the one hand I want to say how sorry I am, and let her know I love her and am thinking about her, but on the other I want to distance myself as I go into panic about my own situation. Am I selfish? I wouldn’t want people to ignore me if I was in that situation. But I also feel I need to not dwell on the negative for the sake of my own sanity and that of my kids (age 7 and 12, who don’t understand when mummmy crys a lot).
Thanks for listening
H
Hi Helfire
Its a really difficult one this I think at times we do have to distance outselves from things just for the sake of our own sanity.
I met a friend yesterday who was totally unaware of my dx and chemo and just burst into tears which obviously set me off. Is it better to keep quiet of to share not sure.
Could you send a letter or email this cousin which is letting you slightly take a step away but still letting your cousin know that you are thinking of her.
Sending you love and hugs
Karen
XXX
Hi H
This is a tough call for you but I can’t see any reason that you can’t send your cousin a nice card saying that you are sorry to hear her news, you are thinking of her and wish her well with her on-going treatments but without actually putting yourself forward as a source of direct support. As you have said you dont live close by and she has a good support network so I am quite sure she will be completely understanding of how you are feeling and will just be comforted that you have taken the time to send her good wishes. I am sure you know how much this means and if the tables were turned you wouldn’t necessarily expect her to step into the fray for you.
Lots of Love and best wishes to your cousin too.
AJxxx
Hi H
So sorry to hear about your cousin and I understand it puts you in a situation where you don’t kow what to do. As I was just about to start my radiotherapy my friend’s partner had just finished his course and unfortunately been told that it had not killed his tumour and he was unable to undergo any further treatment (he was onto his 3rd tumour and had undergone so much treatment previously) - basically he was being told he was a dying man. It was difficult for my friend to tell me this news and equally difficult for me to know what to say to her partner when I saw him that evening.
I would advise you to send a nice card and let her know you are sorry to hear of her recently dx and that you are thinking of her.
It’s not selfish to think of yourself and your own family. It is upsetting for children when a parent is upset (I still try to keep myself in check when my soon to be 19 yr old son is in the house) and you do need to think of them,.
Thanks everyone
I’m crying again now, so i will do something positive and write a card.
Thinking of you all
H
Helfire
Wish I could give you a hug, it will probably make you feel better in yourself doing something positive for you cousin. Good luck if you ever need any support just shout out there will always be someone here for you.
Love and hugs
Karen
XX