Hi Everyone,
I was diagnosed in Oct 15 with stage 3 breast cancer. I had chemo and radiotherapy. Since my BRACA2 diagnosis I have also had a hysterectomy. In August I will have diep flap reconstruction and mastectomy of my remaining breast.
I look at myself now and I don’t know who this person is. I have gained so much weight and my hair is so thin and sparse. I know I am still here, but I feel like the battle happens every day. I thought there would be an end, but now I don’t know. I have pain every day…pain in my hands, hips, back and feet. I struggle with depression and anxiety. My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. I am tired all the time and doing things and spending time with people wears me down. I haven’t worked since this all started so I am claiming benefits for the first time in my life. It sucks. I am convinced that I am going to do something wrong. Going out has become so scary. I feel vulnerable all the time. I want to go swimming and I want to improve my quality of my life, but I am constantly worried the benefits department will accuse me of doing something wrong.
Sometimes I just sit and cry for no reason and for all the reasons at once. I am alone. No family, partner or anyone. I was hoping there would be an end to this, but I am thinking it doesn’t every end. I have started thinking about cancer and dying all the time. I don’t like this new me at all. I can’t do what I want to do, because of fear and/pain. What happens now? I don’t know if there is a man out there who would find me attractive now, because I wouldn’t and don’t.
Hello lovely - I am also stage 3 and it is a very scary place to be. It is hard sometimes not to have dark thoughts about the future. I am super lucky to have an amazing supportive partner and sister and I fully realise what a massive difference that makes. I am so sad for others going through the same thing without that support. You sound like you are feeling very alone and need to find someone to talk to who understands what this feels like. I don’t know where you live - is there any support group at your hospital or the Haven or elsewhere locally you could join? Can your GP refer you for counselling? Maybe even some antidepressants? And better pain relief! Or are there any other types of groups you could join where you could find support and friendship, even something like the WI or the Ramblers?! Is there a CAB near you where you can get more guidance on what your benefits situation really entails? I have had a DIEP and it is an amazing operation. You will have a lovely warm, squidgy, perky new breast. Yes, I totally believe you can and will find a new man who loves you for who you are and as you are. There are some great men out there, but it can take a while to find them. Sending you lots of love. Hang in there, we must all stick together. Xxx
Andromeda I have many of the feelings you have. I was diagnosed s year before you , Sep 14, grade 3, 8cm and 2cm tumours, 26 lymph nodes. Had mastectomy and implant, want a diep now.
It is crap. I’m on antidepressants, went back to work Sep 16 ( made redundant mid chemo April 15).
Since treatment I found lots of support groups, cancer hair care, hospice with weekly drop in, relaxation, reiki.
It’s really tough out there, trying to get back to normal. I think about it everyday.
I hope you can find some local support x
Andromeda just to tell you I know some of what you’re feeling.I am recovering from breast and kidney cancer…I had both together, op was last November.Fortunately i got away with a lumpectomy.I was a side 10 and 8 and a half stone, white proud of my figure at 56, one of the few things I physically liked about myself.Loved wearing skinny jeans and fitted dresses.Now I am 10 st and have a big belly with a big roll.of fat round my middle…no waist any more.I don’t recognize myself.Dental problems due to dry mouth and may lose some teeth and joint pains all the time in ankles and knees plus effected arm.I was at exercise classes 3 times a week now struggle to climb stairs or get out of a chair.I’m also single although not looking for a relationship and couldn’t cope with one physically or mentally to be go honest! Life will just be different now…it can still be a life and a worthwhile one.I know this inside but god, yes it’s hard sometimes.Just wanted to offer some understanding.x
Teeeze, I was the same - 8.5 stone gym bunny now 10.5 flabby belly! Desperately want to shift the weight, hoping that the silver lining will be that I have enough fat for a diep now as I didn’t have a tummy when I went through treatment!
Your physical appearance may have altered but you are still the same person inside, in fact in some ways you may have changed for the better. Some people want a reconstruction, it is a matter of personal choice. I did not want one, take me as you find me is my motto. If you are in pain it is no wonder you are feeling low so please do go back to your doctor and ask for pain relief and anti-depressants if necessary. I am married but that didn’t stop me from feeling very vulnerable at first, it is a natural reaction to all you have been through. Why are you so certain that a man wouldn’t find you attractive? Although I must admit that every day I see loads of really dishy men, with six-packs and perfect white teeth, who look like male models … I’m kidding of course, in reality most have wrinkles, beer guts, wonky gnashers etcetera. In other words there are very few stunningly attractive people walking about, male or female, because in reality we are ordinary human beings who all want the same thing, simply to be loved. In any case nobody has a right to demand ‘perfection’ in a partner. Would you really want a man who was only interested in your superficial appearance? I wouldn’t. After the initial shock of my diagnosis and treatment I had a good hard think and decided that I was going to make the most of every single day and that is what I do. I am not in denial but I am determined to enjoy life to the full, I take one day at a time and I keep so busy that I don’t have the energy to worry about what might happen at some time in the future.