I’m usually finding myself on here quite upbeat and I have been for the past few weeks. I arranged the quiz night for Breast Cancer Care which went really well and have just been getting on with things. Since Mum was diagnosed in August I seem to have built up my energy and not really thought much about the cancer if you know what I mean? I’ve just been focussed on getting Mum through the chemo and staying strong for her. Now she’s just had number 4 and we’re half way through I thought I would be feeling good but actually I think it’s all just hitting me again.
I think it’s for a few reasons. Firstly Mum seems to be very down at the moment. I know it’s only to be expected but I’m so struggling to keep her spirits high and I don’t know how long I can do it for. Also I think I’m in tunnel vision. I have it in my head that the chemo will get rid of the cancer, Mum will have surgery and radiotherapy and then it will be over. But suddenly I thought, what if it’s not? I have seen so many threads on here recently about people who’s Mum’s or relatives have had the chemo and surgery and then they’ve been told it’s spread to somewhere else. I just feel like I don’t know if I can cope which sounds pathetic. It’s poor Mum that’s going through it but I just am so scared.
The last scan confirmed that the tumour has now broken down and shrunk significantly but now I wonder, does that mean anything? What if the breast cancer is going but there is another developing? But then I think that the chemotherapy is meant to attack cancer cells throughout the body so it should be killing the cells shouldn’t it? I just feel so scared for Mum and I. This disease is evil.
I’m sorry this is so morbid, I just need to speak about it.
I’m en route out the door but I just wanted to say the following:
My tumour (T2, Grade 3) was broken down and reduced significantly, so much that they could not find the tumour post chemo until my mastectomy and subsequent breast mass was sent to the labs. I’ve finished treatment now and my Oncologist and surgeon both state I am cured! I am a year post diagnosis and feel as fit as a fiddle, bar a back pain that I’ve had for 3 months.
I try not to think about the ‘what if’s’ and ‘but’s’ - I try and make my visits to these sites only weekly now, as I would just start to worry. I feel deep respect for those ladies that do have mets and recurrances, but for the time being I want to get on with my life as I feel I have lost the last year of it to BC and thats more than enough for me.
I’m sure you are being a brilliant supportive daughter and you will be helping your mum through this terrible time, what you need is someone to help you through too.
I totally agree with everything than Lynn says. Please try and just think of the here and now and support your mum that way.
If you look into this damn thing too much it will drag you down and your Mum may pick up the vibes. There WILL be times when she’s down and she will need you to pick her up but you can’t do that while you thinking the worst all the time. If she can see you being strong it will really help her through this. The last think we want going through this awful time is to look at someones face and see the worry and sadness.
I’m all for honesty. both of you are probably trying to keep positive for each other and it’s a bit of a strain sometimes, why not tell your mother about your anxieties. I’m all for letting out your true emotions. It’s perfectly reasonable not to feel positive all the time. Its good to talk. Alternatively maybe you or your mother could join a support group. They can sometimes help put a different perspective on things. I went to one at a hospital in London for newly diagnosed patients. I found people there often felt it was easier talking there than it was to their nearest and dearest. Sometimes there is comfort in strangers. And to people who are going through the same thing.