I’m usually finding myself on here quite upbeat and I have been for the past few weeks. I arranged the quiz night for Breast Cancer Care which went really well and have just been getting on with things. Since Mum was diagnosed in August I seem to have built up my energy and not really thought much about the cancer if you know what I mean? I’ve just been focussed on getting Mum through the chemo and staying strong for her. Now she’s just had number 4 and we’re half way through I thought I would be feeling good but actually I think it’s all just hitting me again.
I think it’s for a few reasons. Firstly Mum seems to be very down at the moment. I know it’s only to be expected but I’m so struggling to keep her spirits high and I don’t know how long I can do it for. Also I think I’m in tunnel vision. I have it in my head that the chemo will get rid of the cancer, Mum will have surgery and radiotherapy and then it will be over. But suddenly I thought, what if it’s not? I have seen so many threads on here recently about people who’s Mum’s or relatives have had the chemo and surgery and then they’ve been told it’s spread to somewhere else. I just feel like I don’t know if I can cope which sounds pathetic. It’s poor Mum that’s going through it but I just am so scared.
The last scan confirmed that the tumour has now broken down and shrunk significantly but now I wonder, does that mean anything? What if the breast cancer is going but there is another developing? But then I think that the chemotherapy is meant to attack cancer cells throughout the body so it should be killing the cells shouldn’t it? I just feel so scared for Mum and I. This disease is evil.
I’m sorry this is so morbid, I just need to speak about it.
If you want to talk through how you are feeling please feel free to call our confidential helpline for a chat with one of our helpliners, the team are breast care nurses and will be able to offer you support and a ‘listening ear’. The helpline is on 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal I can reassure you. ‘What if’ plays a big part in the BC journey. Trying to give you advice is quite a balancing act, I don’t want to patronise or worry you nor do I want to paint a rosy picture.
It is good news that the tumour is shrinking, it suggests that the cancer is responding to the chemotherapy. It will also help the surgery, less cancerous cells to take out of the body. Your mum will be putting a brave face on, I know, I do for my daughter. She may never show you her bad days, she wants to protect you. But please if she appears to want to be left alone don’t think she is pushing you away. I had days when I wanted to be totally on my own to assess my thoughts and feelings.
As to whether the cancer spreads, well that is something that can not be ruled out, sorry but thats the nature of microscopic cancer cells breaking away from the primary tumour and settling, perhaps for years in another part of the body to regrow at a later date. Your mum will be receiving the best treatment, she will be monitored regularly and she will be body aware herself after this. I was and although I have had two recurrences over 2 years I am still deemed curable and I continue with treatment.
Please be assured that your mum does have a future, how long? who knows but it is a future you can share together with its ups and downs. Try not to let what if’s dominate your life it will only drag you down, live for the day.
Take care, my very best wishes for your mums full recovery and your well-being too.
Carol
You are right, I know there isn’t an answer to my thread. I guess I hope that someone would come on and tell me it will be fine but I know that’s not always the case. I am really trying to live for the moment and I plan to make this Xmas one of the best for Mum so she can just forget about the cancer for once and enjoy it, but I am so terrified. I know it won’t be anything compared to what Mum is feeling though.
I hope you also make a speedy recovery. Everyone on here is so brave (hope that doesn’t annoy anyone, Mum told me she hates people saying that) but to have the courage to speak to people like me and I’m not even the one with cancer. In fact I feel really bad.
I think I’m just having an off day.
Thank you though, it was great to have your message.
No you haven’t upset be by saying we are brave, I know where you are coming from.
If I tell you that Christmas05 went by in a haze as I was waiting for surgery you will understand. I also wondered if I would put up the tree again. I did in 2006 and I will in 2007. Its a real goal for me and my positive attitude helps.
I think I pick up your mum is positive and I think thats a real good weapon in her armour, you will be another with that loving touch and knowing smile.