What is happening to me?

As some of you know I was always here chatting and felt that I had made some friends along the way,on some serious forums and also in chit chat in DDI.Now I come on and read and make the odd comment when the mood takes me.I think that by going back to work I have become complacent in a way,wanting to forget, and coming here reminds me of what was.I feel that I have neglected the friends I have made here by not asking how they are and I am a caring person so that upsets me.
However next Friday is a year since my dx.meaning that my first wedding anniv is the week or so after (27th).
This week I have lost it with every one in work,I have no patience,I have snapped.slammed doors and argued.It was all sorted today and harmony restored,but my boss was shocked and said it was the last thing he expected from me of all people.I am usually the calming, reliable one who sorts other peoples issues out.
But is that the old me?
Who am I now?
How have I become so selfish?

Thanks for listening

Take Care

Mary
xxxx

Hi Mary,

I am sure that you haven’t become selfish and you are still the ‘old you’. But you have been through a life changing horrific experience and with the anniversary of your dx looming, lots of memories of that awful time will have resurfaced…maybe without you realising it. All this will affect you and perhaps make you behave somewhat out of character…you know what though Mary, you ARE allowed have an off day you know. You are a human being and with that comes lots of emotions that can be different depending on what you are going through.

Stop being so hard on yourself…I’m sure you are a lovely, caring person and always will be. Don’t dwell on what happened, just put it behind you.

Sheana x

HI Mary

I remember you from my ‘early’ days here - I too am approaching my first year anniversary, on 1st Nov - and am pretty much the same as you. I have returned to work, and tend to pop on here now and again just to see what everyone’s up to - and to occasionally ask for advice as I’ve had a few problems recently health wise. Then I start to feel guilty that I am not on as much, or that I am just reading rather than posting.

I too have been ‘losing’ it a bit lately - both with family and at work.

I know that I am a much more selfish person now than I was pre dx - and yes, sometimes it IS all about me - but then why shouldn’t it be after what I’ve been through?

Don’t be too hard on yourself - if some element of you hadn’t changed after going through all this I would be surprised. I don’t think any of us will ever be ‘the person we were before’ - too much will have happened to change our way of thinking and our outlook on life, no matter what the prognosis or situation.

Good luck & take care

margaret x

Hi Mary

Nice to see you back. I am in the same boat as you, so to speak. Back to work and supposedly back to normal. However, I have noticed that my patience is very thin at times, whereas before I would tolerate or accept something, I can’t be bothered now. I am sure it is the norm when someone has just had to deal with such a big challenge. All that anger and fear has to go somewhere and the strain you must be under will be horrendous. I wouldn’t give your outburst a second thought unless it happens on a regular basis. Perhaps it s not a bad thing for your boss to realise that even you have your limits. It doesnt mean that you are selfish - someone on here said recently a very wise thing that truly selfish people never even think they are selfish, so if its crossing your mind, you can’t be!

Best of luck, Mary

Cathy
x

Mary-
Ahhh…a very selfish person wouldn’t care if they were selfish, would they? I don’t think that’s the problem, really, although I agree with the previous posters that this disease does give you a different perspective on life.

You were one of the first people I talked with here and I am noticing that many of those folks are not online much. It’s natural, really. The times when we were homebound, sick with chemo or rads, is coming to an end as the treatment has ended. Therefore, after months of being home, we are enjoying work now and being mobile again. At least I am! OK, I had a setback with rads, but life goes on. And that’s the point. Your life has moved from being home and in treatment to being back to work. And on top of that you are now married. And it is your anniversary. It is probably all coming back rather too sharply…the diagnosis, the delays, the wedding, the fears. And coming back here is a double-edged sword. We want to help others who are just starting the journey, but we also can’t quite bear to go through it again.

Yup, i think more than anything you are feeling guilty. Perhaps guilty for getting better when everyone else here is just starting out, and guilty that your life is back on track and you lost all that time. Trust me I have a Doctorate in guilt that preceded even bc!!!

Many hugs sweetie - you are allowed to live your life and move beyond the Forum that is one of our functions, no? To get folks well enough to get on with their lives. So go to work and be there for them. Love your husband and enjoy that life. And come in here on a regular basis, whatever that might be for you, and be helpful when you can. Actually, I am happy for you that like a bookmark, you are picking up where you left off when all this started.

Go for it!!!

Hugs
Emily
xxx

Hi Mary,

I don’t think you are being at all selfish - it’s just that anniversary thing that gets to us all. For me, the ‘anniversary’ came earlier - as my mum had died three weeks before my own dx, and she had been ill for a couple of months before that. So for me, my life had all gone wrong from when we got mum’s dx. On the anniversary of that date, I was having rads. They were running very late, as usual, but on that day I ended up shouting at the nurses about it and bursting into tears. When the anniversary of my own dx came, I was fine.

So don’t worry. You will be the old you most of the time, but I think we all find ourselves getting a little intolerant of people who worry about nothing.

Hi Mary

Anniversaries always bring weird moods and strange behaviour so don’t worry that you are feeling snappy, its because all the memories that you spend all year pushing to the back of your mind come barging back to the front and it all feels like yesterday instead of a year ago.

I have got my 6 month check this Friday and, although i am confident that all will be fine, I just don’t want to go. I don’t want to sit up there in THAT waiting room, waiting to be called into THAT room with THAT machine. I swear the magazines are still the same ones as they were on THAT day, but soon it will be Saturday and all will be well [pleeeeaaaaase].

We have had some fun nights in the DDI and we will again and we will have a blast when we go to the Lakes but we will also get on with our lives and hopefully we will be lucky enough to put all this behind us and live long and full lives doing everything [and more] that we always planned to do before this happened.

Lots of Love
AJxxx