I am now going through my second set of treatments for breast cancer.
The first time I had a couple of relatives that were too embarassed, or found it to hard to even send a card, or text to me or my husband. After the treatement finished I said nothing about this to the relatives.
I was just so upset, people on the outside think it is hard to deal with, as we all know, how they feel is NOTHING compared to us. It is the hardest, scariest and darkest times of our lives, and we and out partners need their support.
Anyway, I am now going through some preventative surgery, I have just had a double mastectomy. The same relatives have not been in touch.
What do I say to them when I do finally see them? I just feel that I cannot let it pass like I did last time?
Hi
I understand what you are going through, but I don’t have an answer to it. I have 3 sisters all older than me, we have no family history of cancer. 2 of my sisters have been brilliant and very supportive, but 1 sister the 2nd eldest has not contacted me since the diagnosis back in August 09. My other 2 sisters has spent a lot of time trying to speak to her about it, I can’t be bother to do so if she isn’t interested enough to even send me a text I can’t be asked either. My eldest sister did get hold of her just before christmas last year, to be told she had cervical cancer 10 years ago thats why she can’t talk to me!! When asked if she had had chemo she said I can’t remember!! So clearly she didn’t, I think she had a D&C for precancer cell changes.
We are supposed to be having a family dinner in mid september, both sisters are having a real problem getting hold of her to see if she will come.
I think some people find it difficult to cope with the news but as you say not as difficult as we find it, so just let them go, keep to the friends and family that are supportive. I have found some brilliant friends that have really gone the extra mile, one of them was only a work collegue at the time of diagnosis she has turned out to be a real friend and I couldn’t do without her.
Seems like you will be in the same position as me then in September for your family meal.
I too will be seeing these unsupportive relatives when we meet up as a family soon, it is so hard to know what to do, do we make ‘small talk’ and ignore it, or do we say something?
I know that I was cross with myself last time for letting them get away with ignoring my diagnosis, and I really feel that I do not want to do the same this time.
I will say something to them, it is just that at the moment I am not sure what to say!!.
Hi Crystal,
I was wondering if perhaps a letter to these relatives, rather than to confront them when you see them, Perhaps if you wrote to them telling them of the sadness you felt, that they never bothered to contact you at you most needed hours/days/months/years!!
It would give them time to consider how they have treated you, and perhaps it could be sorted before you meet up. It would be a shame to spoil what celebrations you are meeting up for, by confronting them there and then.
I agree it cannot be ignored, so very selfish of any friend or family to ignore your bc. if only we could ignore it!!
Goog Luck
Sandra xxx
I too don’t have an answer for you, but just to let you know you’re not alone in this.
I’ve 3 sisters, one of whom I’ve not seen since 1981 so I honestly don’t know if hse’s dead or alive and wouldn’t know how to contact her if I wanted to. Of the other 2, one also has bc, had a double mx, and has mets in her spine, but decided the best way of dealing with her illness was to isolate herself from her family - her way o telling me this was to refuse my Xmas package 3 times until it was returned to sender, and a few weeks later I had a letter from my BiL ‘explaining’ her decision. Sister 3 I told back in March 09 when I dx, and I’ve heaqrd nowt - not even a Xmas card! - since. I too have decided I can’t be bothered with her if she can’t with me.
It’s not just family tho - I’ve lost a good friend who couldn’t cope and his way of dealing with this is to ignore me - it hurts, but not much I can do about it, and to be honest while I’m now beginning to feel more human and have thought about contacting him, I’ve decided I’m not going to try and make up - if he couldn’t supprt me when I most needed him, I’m better off without him. Harsh maybe but how I feel.
I think you’ve just got to go with what is best for you - a scene at a family gathering is probably not right, but I think I’d probably just be cool with them and let them get on with their lives and you do the same. I’ve learnt the hard way my friends (minus 1!) mean more to me than family.
“Nowt as queer as folk”, or so the lancashire saying goes, I have not seen or had any contact with my stepson since I was admiitted for my op. Before we had a good relationship ,or so I thought, We all had a family get to gether the night before I was admitted, and all was well. Thats 16 months ago now and he has not been near or phoned anyone to see if I even came through the op. Needless to say we are all very upset, he has told our other 3 children, that he has issues, although we dont know what these are ??
so as I am determined not to have stress if I can help it,we just hope he come sround without water!!! another lancashire saying. very upsetting though.
Sounds like I am far from alone on this one then!.
It so unfair, and uncaring that others feel that it is harder for them to deal with than me.
A letter unfortunately would not be appropriate in this situation, but it does sound like a good idea.
My husband would say something on my behalf, but it is his family that are ignoring me/us, and actually one of the main reasons I wanted them to contact was for them to give him some support as well.
If anyone does have some wise word to say, then I would be very grateful, I feel that I will say something as this is the second time it has happened with the same relatives!.
Thanks
x
I’ve stayed away from this thread until now, as I know that I have been one of those people in the past. I’ve never had a friend or loved one with a life threatening disease but I’ve known people who had serious challenges in their lives and I had no idea how to behave towards them or what to do to help them. Then, a few years ago, I had a lot of counselling and learned a lot about myself, my life, those aspects of it I was unhappy with and how I wanted to change. As a result of that experience, I don’t allow “not knowing” to prevent me stepping forward. Now … I offer help, both of a practical and emotionally supportive nature - whilst trying to be aware if I am intruding or stepping on any toes. I know its easy to get it wrong, but - these days - I’d rather get it wrong by being active than passive.
Crystal, as its your husband’s family, I think I would focus the discussion on your husband - saying what a marvellous support and strength he has been to you during a truly vile and demanding time in your lives. You could then elaborate and provide specific examples of those tough times. I would express your worry that he has had no-one to lean on during this time and how much it would mean to you both if they were to become more active in supporting him. Be ready to cite some examples of the type of thing you’d appreciate - a mix of the practical and the supportive perhaps.
As I’ve said, not everyone knows what to do, in fact I would say that a lot of people don’t and because they are fearful of getting it wrong, they end up doing nothing at all. It may not be their intent, it may be that they’re simply waiting for guidance or specific requests for assistance. Alternatively, they could be utterly shallow, self-centered gits and you’re better off without them, but its worth talking to them to give them an opportunity to prove otherwise.
I wish you the best with your conversation and hope that the outcome is a positive one for you all.
Debs x
It has made me think long and hard about this, and I do think that for me if is probably the solution.
I will discuss with the family members in question, and explain just how peoples genuine support is so greatly appreciated, and that just a text or call from them would be truly welcomed.