when does it get better?

when does it get better?

when does it get better? Probably the question that everyone in my situation asks I guess?! I lost my Mum to bc just b4 xmas. She was diagnosed 3.5yrs ago & following surgery, chemo & radiotherapy they discovered it was too late as it had already spread. She was given 3-5yrs & we all waited in fear of the inevitable. Meanwhile Mum underwent several bouts of radiotherapy & carrier bags full of drugs - am sure you know the drill - but gradually got worse & worse. Secondary bone cancer left her in pain all the time & slowly crippled her to the point where she could barely move. We all prayed she would make it to xmas but it wasn’t to be & now looking back on it I know it was the best thing for her but it’s still so hard to take. I’m 36 & have a 2yr old daughter of my own but the selfish child in me still wants my Mummy back. Mum & I talked a lot about what was going to happen - she was amazingly brave & strong, my last words to her were ‘I hope I can be half the mum to Elizabeth [my daughter] that you have been to me’. Her death was peaceful & her family were all there. I know this may sound stupid but I keep waiting for her to come back - not physically, as I know that can’t happen, but spiritually. I’m always looking for ‘a sign’ - we joked once that she would come back if she could to tell me she was ok. Somehow I feel I could cope if I knew she was ‘out there’ somewhere. I’ve never been a massively religious person but I always believed there was something there & I thought through all this that if my Mum could come back she would. But she hasn’t & I’m feeling lost. I talk to my friends, even one whose Mum also died in the same way, my husband, my stepdad, my brother, my nan but still it doesn’t make it better. I just want my Mum - god I know this sounds so stupid but that’s how I feel.
Anyway I’ve blah’d enough - sorry to bore & I know I’m looking for an impossible answer. I’m just angry, sad, lost & confused, this just isn’t fair.
Caroline

I know how you feel. I lost my mum to breast cancer 12 and half years ago, she was only 47 and I was 25. Over that time I have had times when I’ve been angry, sad, lost and other times when I have been content. What you have to remember is that grieving isn’t a process that is easy, it can’t be contained over a specific period of time and I would say it is never over. We all have times when we cope and we are happy, aswell as times when it’s bad. I’m currently going through a bad patch, but I know by keeping the memories alive help. She was a wonderful mother to me and she wouldn’t want me to be sad and tearful, but she would be happy that I still remember her. So I do silly things like buy a bunch of freesias (she loved them), talk about her to my children (who she never met), get the photograph album out, go to the places she loved. Your mum may not be out there, but she is there in your heart, remember that. I hope this helps you somehow … Amanda

I feel exactly the same! Hi Caroline

My situation is very similar. I lost my mum in August to pneumonia which was a result of breast cancer that had spread to the lungs. She was diagnosed March 04 and everyone was very hopeful as the prognosis was good. But straight after chemo finished it came back in the lung and then later on the brain and then the lung again, it was basically popping up everywhere. I didnt get a chance to talk to mum about loosing her as it was really sudden, one day she was ok and 5 days later she was gone after being in hospital.

I am waiting for my mum to come and visit me too. I imagined that it would happen straight away as she wouldnt want to be away from her family for too long. But it hasnt and as you siad I feel really lost and sad about it. I tortured myself thinking it was because she was unhappy and wanted to stay away as it wasnt her time yet, and then I thought that she wasnt where I thought she was and that all my images of what had happened to her after she died were a load of rubbish. I am not religious either but I really want to believe that my mum is near me and that somehow she is able to let me know. Sometimes I see things and think that maybe they are a message from mum, but it may be more a case of me looking for things and managing to relate them to my situation rather than them actually being there. There are 2 examples that I can think of. The first is when I was really upset at work and I went to the toilet and I could smell my mums perfume, and then the other time was when I was crying in the car, and then another car overtook me and stayed in front of me all the way home, and it was the same colour and model as my mums car. These things did comfort me but there is still the nagging feeling of not quite believing that mum had done them.

I try and talk to my husband and my sisters, not so much my dad, but as you said its not the same as your mum is it? I miss my mum so much and think of her all day everyday, I just want to know that she is ok. I was thinking of going to see a medium, anything to get into contact with her, but then if nothing happens I will be so upset that I dont think its worth it and not sure my broken heart would be able to take it!

Grief is a funny thing isnt it, I never imagined myself in this situation and I never imagined that I would suddenly believe that if I can smell my mums perfume then she must be near, but its all that I have to hold onto now, memories are ok but they are no subsitute for the real thing are they, and if I knew that she was around it would make it so much easier, like everything is still the same but I just cant see her.

I have rambled for ages now, so am going to leave it there, I just hope it helps you to know that there are others who understand how you feel, even if you do feel that you are being silly, because you are not and you are just trying to cope the best you can.

Love Joanne x x x x

Your Mum is always with you Hi
I’ve been reading some of the posts and know this will bring tears but also hope it will help…

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. “Is this the long way?” she asked.

And the guide said “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning.” But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years.

So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a bike and reminded them to feed the dog and do their homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.”

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path was sometimes dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her arms, and the children said, “Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come.” And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, A little patience and we are there."

So the children climbed, and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms. And with this, she gave them strength to face the world. Year after year, she showed them compassion, understanding, hope, but most of all . unconditional love.

And when they reached the top they said, “Mother, we would not have done it without you.”

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she became little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And the mother, when she lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said, “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned so much and are now passing these traits on to their children.”

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her, and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers. One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said: “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk with dignity and pride, with their heads held high, and so can their children after them.”

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said:

“We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence.”

Your Mother is always with you.
She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,
she’s the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.
She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well,
she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors of a rainbow,
she is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she’s crystallized in every tear drop.
A mother shows every emotion…
happiness, sadness, fear,
jealousy, love, hate,
anger, helplessness, excitement,
joy, sorrow…
and all the while,
hoping and praying you will only know the good feelings in life. She’s the place you came from,
your first home,
and she’s the map you follow with every step you take.
She’s your first love,
your first friend,
even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time,
not space…
not even death

Thoughts, wishes + hugs to you

Deb
xxxx

Hi Caroline,
I am so so sorry to hear your news, I have just turned 37 and lost my Dad when I was 14, but to lose my Mum does not bear thinking about!!! So what you are saying is not stupid at all…you are just looking for any form of comfort, there is now a massive gap in your life and your Mum was taken from you far too early because of this horrid nasty disease. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with secondary cancer in her bones & liver in December last year and I was devasted, I have an 18 month year old daughter and another one due in August and she has long for the day she become a Nanny but shes misses out on so much because she is so unwell at the moment!!! Life is so cruel sometimes and it does make you angry, especially when there is so many nasty, cruel worthless people in the world that live health free and so deserve to suffer, why is it always the innocent kind genuine people that have to deal with stuff like this time & time again. Caroline, even though I haven’t lost my Mum, by having the news about my MIL was devasting enough I can totally understand and sympathise with how you feel and totally understand for you looking for anything, any sign or any form of communication, when I lost my Dad I used to ask him in my head to knock a picture of the wall, or make something move to prove he was there…how stupid is that??? I am not religious either but you hope for something, I had very vivid dreams for years still do occasionally, have you laid there at night hoping when you open your eyes you may see an image of your Mum?? This all sounds very silly and so far fetched by anyone that has lost a loved one has probably had lots of similar thoughts, and you constantly look for answers and it just feels like you are constantly on an emotional rollercoaster!!! Hold on to all the beautiful memories you have of your Mum, she will always be your Mummy that protected and loved you until the day she had to go, nobody can take them memories away, even the nasty horrid cancer can’t destroy that!!! I hope I have reassurred you that you’re not going mad and what you have been thinking and looking for is perfectly normal when grieving for someone you love and miss so much. Your Mum would want you to be happy and focus on your 2 year old daughter, I hope you find it easier as time goes by.
Anita xx

Hi Caroline

So sorry to read your posting about your mum. I know exactly what you mean about hoping she will come back spiritually. I have experienced some presences over the years.

To start with our dog died years ago and I believe he came back to me 3 times to let me know he was ok. I was in bed on all occasions and just drifting off to sleep and something woke me - he was sat at the side of the bed next to me and was barking, a happy bark. Then I experienced a feeling as though he was climbing over me on top of the bed, which woke me fully, I was a bit frightened at the time as I did not realise what it was at first. We said we would never have another dog but 9 months later we decided to get another. A couple of weeks before we were due to get our new puppy I experienced the climbing over me again. It has been 12 years now since this happened and he has never been back to me since. I think he came for a last time to give his approval about our forthcoming puppy.

Another thing that happened was when I had just come out of hospital after my mastectomy. My husband had gone to sleep in the spare room so that I could get a better night’s sleep as I was in pain and not sleeping too good. Again I was just drifting off to sleep and I felt as though someone or something had climbed into bed with me and was cuddling me by my side. I felt this person’s hand - she had a wedding ring on her left hand and a floaty type of clothing. I was frightened when I fully woke up.

I told my mother about this and she said it was my grandmother come back to comfort me. She died of breast cancer, I never met her as I wasn’t born when she died.

It will happen when you least expect it, usually they come back in times of trouble to comfort you. Hope this helps.

Chris x

I wish I knew ! Dear Caroline,

I read your message with tears in my eyes as I feel exactly the same.

I lost my precious mum 15 months ago and feel heartbroken every day. I think of her constantly and am forever looking for a sign that she is around.

Unlike you we never talked of death. We just couldnt. She died quite quickly after the return of her BC 3.5 years after it occured. I never believed I would loose her and it wasnt a peaceful end but one that will haunt me forever. I gave up my job to be with her daily and thank god I had those memories as it was me she wanted.

I cry at least 5 times a day and feel lost, lonely, hurt, angry, bitter, cheated and dont feel anyone understands unless they have been there.

Life will never be the same again. I spoke to my mum daily. We were close but I wish we had done more together but there was never enough time. You really realise what you have when its gone. She was the best mother, grandmother and friend I could ever have hoped for and I will never get over losing her. I would give anything for one of our shopping trips, a coffee, a chat, a hug.

At the end I asked her to send me a sign by way of flower, feather, anything to tell me she was near and although a couple of things have occured there has been nothing to be sure of.

I send you my love and hope that we all learn to cope with it someday.

Sonia x