Hi
I found a lump in Jan this year and have undergone snb, chemo surgery and rads which finished thursday. When do you start feeling the same as everyone else? I ask this as having finished active treatment ( i’m on tamoxifen for 5 years still) i was out on a girls night out and i felt an outsider, i was watching everyone dancing and having fun but didn’t feel part of it. I even came home thinking everything was fine and then burst into tears thinking about everything i’d been through and thinking its just not fair. When will these feelings stop and life will be back to as it was before, or will i always feel an outsider when everyone else is being normal and appearing to not have a care in the world?
Michele
Hi Michele not sure I can actually answer your question as not sure how other people feel. I too was out on an ladies aerobics dinner evening on Fri. Dx end of Nov on routine mammo no palpable lump.Had chemo, WLE and ANC then re-excision for better margins, rads and now Arimidex for 5 yrs.Also felt like an outsider but danced the night away any how.None of them knew my DX except instructors so no awkward questions.And just got back from another dinner tonight/last night. Again I too burst into tears but hey we are here and yes it has been the most horrific year in my entire life and am not sure when these feelings will stop.Last Dec was so awful I cannot look back at the enormity of it all with out feeling intensely sad.I just have to think Phew what happened there then? Am starting to plan more little treaty things and outings, recently had a lovely holiday and that was when I felt normal(ish)going away to somewhere that no one knew me and not having BC on my mind all the time really helped.Yes other people do look like they do not have a care in the world but I’m sure we do at times.Have you been told how well you look?KNow what I mean?
I don’t think my life will ever be as before but different is not necessarily bad, my priorities have changed and am looking at how 2011 will be. We have come through all this. I did read on another thread some while ago where a lady described it as having knocked the wall down ,was covered in dust and was still climbing over the rubble.I am still climbing over the rubble.Love Jackie
You are not on your own, I felt exactly the same last year, the world was dancing but I was moving at half pace and kept missing the steps. I felt particularily bad when I returned to work even though I had worked with the same colleagues for 15 years and we were a good team. I felt that I didn’t fit in at any time. BUT this Christmas I had enormous fun at the party and danced the night away. What I’m trying to say in a roundabout way is that it does get very much better just give it a bit of time.
Hi Michelle
Just to let you know I am feeling the same as you. I was dx February 16mm IDC Grade 3, I had WlE and 6 Lymph nodes removed for sampling, thankfully they were all clear. Had 6 months FEC chemo, then 6 weeks Rads which finished at the end of September.
I am now back at work on a phased return and it is good to get back to some normality. My collugues are all excellent but like most people they think that’s it over but you and I know we are always thinking about BC returning. I had my Xmas night out last friday and had an excellent time, but felt so down when I got home. It’s a strange feeling on minute I am up the next down.
I am determined to stay positive next year and do all the things I want to do. my husband and i went on a 14day cruise at the beginning of October and it was terrific. It was great for the two of us just to get away and relax, as it has been a tough year for him to.Hope you have a lovely Christmas and a Happy Healthy New Year.
Love Annexx
I think the answer to your question is that you will never be the person you were again and you are probably looking for a ‘new normal’.
Whilst I am striving for normality and trying to do all the things I used to do - ‘little’ reminders are there all the time ie my big toe nail fell off yesterday, my fingers are still numb and tingling, I only have one boob, whilst my prothesis is good, its not as good a real tit! The Scans, the appointments, the test results and everything else goes on and on. My hair is not MY HAIR. I still get very tierd easily and my limbs ache and my joints are stiff.
I have now decided that I do not want to be the person I used to be anyhow. I want to be much kinder to myself and give myself time and space both at home and work. I will also make much more time for friends and families… something I probably neglected prior to my DX.
Coming to terms with the ‘new normal’ has been a struggle for me but I am trying. x
Hi Ladies,
same for me never be the same , but I am surpised at how the mind works, whilst on chemo, Itruely thought that I would never get my self back. well I seem to be clawing bits back, I am as near normal as I think I will ever be, but this me is more calmer, taking time for the important things now, I am also very relieved that now after 18 months, I can now listen to music again, I could not take the emotion of listening before, so to me thats a big plus, cant watch soppy films yet though…oh and snap my big toe nail just fell off, thought that would be finished with by now… oh well one less to polish.
happy christmas everyone take care xx
Sorry honey… But, NEVER… xxx
I agree with the others - never. BUT you will get used to a new normal in time. I’m over 3 years since initial diagnosis and have bone secondaries so things have changed a lot but I love my new ‘normal’ lifestyle, although it took a long time to adjust.
It also seems to be that the impact of bc hits people hardest about a year or so after diagnosis or end of treatment when they think they are back to normal but you can’t go through all of this, no matter how you dealt with side effects etc at the time (and I was comparatively fine through chemo etc), and expect things to be the same ever again. My surgeon and oncologist both think this time is highly underestimated in terms of how it affects patients and liken it to post traumatic stress.
Just take your time, don’t expect an instant return to what things were like before and you’ll get there!
You will feel normal again ,thats for sure.When all the treatment finishes i think its then that it really hits you and what you have been through.Your life is never the same again once bc has made a visit but it doesnt have to destroy it,turn it into positive things.In time you will be up there with you mates dancing with the rest of them , xxxxx
You know, life is ALWAYS changing! Be it the birth of a baby, a divorce, a career change or emigrating! The thing is we often control those changes and with bc it strikes at its time of choosing rather than ours. Its the coming to terms with change that i think is the issue and using that time to turn something potentially negative into something amazing and positive! So life will never be quite the same…it may even be a whole load better!
I agree with Lizcat. I think the couple of months after the end of rads was the worst for me - and again, the second time 4 years later the same thing happened after the last herceptin. It is as though you hold out through the worst, and somehow at the end it sort of gives your mind permission to grieve for the person you once were. But Saffronseed I do agree with you that actually although we can’t go back,we can go forward - and that is what’s important.
Hang on in there, Michelle.
Love Mo x