I really hope I dont upset anyone here but I am really angry and upset myself.
I bought 2 well known womens weekly christmas editions magazines for a little escapism at bed time.
In the first one was a tragic story about a very brave lady who had died last year of bc and the article was all about how her young family were going to cope their first xmas without her. It was very sad.
The second was about a poor poor woman who was dying of bc and all about what she had planned for her last xmas with her children.
My youngest daugther read this whilst she was flicking through the magazine and it REALLY upset her as she likes to think mine is all over as it was 3 years ago.
I was talking to my friends who have not had bc about these articles a nd they agreed with me - who exactly do they think wants to read heartbreaking stories like this??
If you have never had bc is petrifies you and if you have had bc and are now in remission it petrifies you even more!
ALso it is very one sided - they never print stories about how well somebody is doing 10 years down the line and what they are doing for xmas etc.
I really hope I have not upset anyone here but I am very angry that this has upset my daughter ( she is only 12) and I just don’t understand who their target audience is?
I feel like writing to the editor which i may well do .
As I say I am SO sorry for both these people as it is “there for the grace of god go I” BUT I dont think stories like this belong in a festive woman’s weekly.
Hi Alise, I understand how upsetting it must have been but I also know how isolated you can feel with secondaries…even here on these forums, (sometimes especially here on these forums)
I’ve felt hurt many times by comments that are often made about the Secondaries forum, it’s often said it’s a ‘depressing’ place. It’s actually a very supportive and caring place. You can feel (well at least I do at times) that you should hide away and not mention things…we are so many people’s worst fears, their worst nightmare. I’ve always thought that women’s magazines tend to report the ‘good news’ stories about breast cancer but I don’t read many so perhaps this has changed. A lot of friends who use the Secondaries forum do not disclose the more upsetting side of life with mets for fear of upsetting others so it’s not always been much help to them not being able to post about fears and worries on the main site in the UK for Breast Cancer. Having lived with bone mets for 5 years now I’ve got to know, have met up many times, so many others who are now no longer here and whose families are facing up to this and previous Christmases without them. For one recently deceased friend’s family it will be there first Christmas without their Mum, 3 children, it’s all so sad, heartbreaking. Having said all this in your position I wouldn’t want my daugher (I’m a Mum too) reading (perhaps) sensationalised stories that would upset her and make her anxious…Take Care, Belinda…xxx
I never did buy mags because I’ve always felt that they exploit people’s fears and needs (beauty mags are the worst for this) but since my own diagnosis I’ve felt the need to burn the damn things to stop people around me reading them too, it’s a real shame as I really don’t want my Mum to be exposed to stories like that either it’s taken me the better part of the year just to get her to accept that I may have to have more treatment in the future and I really do need to go through menopause right now (I’ll probably be through it before she is at this rate) and mags like that do not help at all.
As for people on this forum keeping their feelings to themselves. I wish they wouldn’t, this disease is depressing and when I feel the need to escape I don’t come on here but this is a forum specifically for people dealing with this disease not a glad rag as my nan calls them.
I really feel for people who are dealing with their own imminent mortality as I’ve found that the hardest thing to even contemplate. I do NOT feel a ting for the magazine that profit from printing their stories, yes it may be partially about awareness etc but they do still profit while my friends and family are upset by the constant reminders…
Fortunately most of them don’t read those mags anymore either
I suggest you do what I do… throw them on the fire and find some good books instead.
Alise,
Well its this disease isnt it ? It is real, there are quite a numer of us on the secondaries board who are in pretty much this position, I often think the media always puts in just the ok side of breast cancer - people writing stories about how women are cured after a year and had the so called ‘all clear’. I thought that before I had secondaires, I expect that the woman who was written about planning things for her children is happy that she will have a written story to show her children how much she loves them and how much she cares. Maybe that is quite a good thing?
Whether you want your 12 year old reading it - thats a different matter -especially at this time of year. Its partly up to you and partly up to her. My own son is 13 and its and awkward age really.
I’m sorry your daughter saw and was upset by the stories (I’m really careful about what and when I read/watch things).
I have to say I would have probably bought the mags to read the articles so I would be in their target audience. I have read and heard lots of positive stories about BC and with bone mets myself, I sometimes wonder where the other people with mets are (besides this site)
There are two very different sides to this. I know what you mean, Alise, it seems from your magazine as if a diagnosis is an instant death sentence…which it usually isn’t. But on the other hand I get so cross with the media insistence on showing glowing, beautiful women who have “battled” BC and who are now all pink and fluffy. In other words I think the media like the two extremes but none of the (realistic) shades of grey.
Belinda, and any other members with secondaries, I think it is absolutely your right to post about what you want to post about,never mind if it upsets people, they are not forced to read the secondaries board and it is important that all affected by BC can get information and support, not just those with the primary disease.
I’m really sorry your daughter was upset by reading these features. Probably the articles have triggered the fears she has had about you which she has been carrying since she was 9. Maybe you could take this opportunity to talk to her about the diversity and uncertainty of breast cancer…the fact that many many people survive but that some don’t. Do you have a good or not so good prognosis yourself? Maybe now is the time to share that with your daughter so she can make sense of stories she reads in mags and newspapeerrs.
I have no idea whteher the particular articles you read were well written and useful or not…I did notice this year during October’s ‘awareness month’ that there was a broader cross section of stories about breast cancer than is usually the case…from my perspective stories in magzines are often over rosy and I think there needs to be more balance. Which mags were these artilces in? I’d love to read them as I am very interetsed in the way media portrays people with breast cancer.
Xmas can be a very difficult time for anyone remembeing loss. I can think of several women who I knew in person or through these forums, who are now dead, and have left young children. I wonder how they are all doing. And then there are freinds on this forum too who know pretty well this is their last Xmas…and while their hearts are breaking and they are scared they are going to try to create good memories for their children. They are ordinary women doing their best, as we all do, not poor poor things.
I think magazines, particularly some women’s magazines print this kind of thing because there is a substantial minority out there who love to wallow in other’s misery, who actually feed off it and enjoy it (even - possibly more so - at this time of year). They probably haven’t got bc and won’t be interested in any hard facts about it, but will have a lovely time sitting there with a hanky, but not giving the matter any serious thought.
I’m not saying everyone who buys or reads these articles behaves or thinks in this way - I very much doubt that anyone using this site does! - but the prime objective of these publications is always to sell as many copies as they can, and they will always print what they consider will best raise their circulation.
I quite agree with the comment that the magazines tend to veer from one extreme to the other. It’s either miracle treatments or brave (but losing) battles, as far as they are concerned. There’s very little about the day-to-day and on-going struggle with hot flushes, aching joints, sexual issues, lymphoedema, brachial plexopathy, disfigurement, psycho-social problems, changes in the dynamics of relationships and the fear of secondaries, etc. More’s the pity.
I hope your daughter is feeling better now and looking forward to Xmas.
It’s a difficult, thorny area and I am sorry your daughter was upset by the articles. As for who reads them, well, maybe people like me. I have found that by sharing stories about other familis who have lost a parent I have helped my children to understand that they are not alone. I know my teenage daughter feels almost totally isolated in dealing with the prospect of my dying. And I know that when we have watched programmes about women who are dying of breast cancer together (I am thinking especially of the Winston’s Wish programmes earlier this year) it has actually helped her to talk about what is going on and given her some consolation that she has not somehow been singled out by the universe.
The one thing I would like to say is that for far too long it’s always been the ‘good’ stories about breast cancer (I was in remission for 10 years and have lived with secondaries for a further 4 years). It’s about getting the balance of the two I think in saying that a lot of women will stay in remission but also there are those of us who struggle coming to terms with the fact that we may not see another year out.
I think it is good to read (or not as we all have that choice) articles which aren’t so ‘happy’ but for such a long time we’ve been the forgotten ones and I think by highlighting this (and Breast Cancer Care are also doing the same thing via the Taskforce) it will bring it out into the open.
Our support group (which I actually set up 12 years ago) is still in the dark ages as we have quite a few who just don’t want to talk about it which I respect but it’s also reality for a lot of us and because we are living longer with secondaries it’s about educating people that it isn’t always necessarily an immediate death sentence although it unfortunately is for some.
GPs etc also need to be educated far more when a woman with primaries presents with symptoms and they should look into whether they think its secondaries or not - far too often you’re fobbed off to start with.
I agree with so much written above. There are people who love to read these sad stories and sensationalism sells the magazines and living well after diagnosis isn’t sensational. People love to read about death but won’t discuss it in conversation though. Living with secondary cancer is not written about and yet some people work and live a ‘normal’ life or you have people like me who looks well (with a wig on), but need carers, mobility scooters, frequent hospital admissions and too weak to do lots of things but wouldn’t sell papers. Awareness of secondaries is poor within the medical profession especially GPs but in women who have had primary bc as well. The media is not good at highlighting these symptoms either.
I think your daughter knows cancer kills - it’s on adverts, magazines, probably been discussed at school, cigarette, It is a good opportunity to talk about it. She is probably thinking about it all the time but daren’t ask you incase it upsets you. Children worry and blame themselves when parents are ill.
My own kids (twins of 11 and young son of 8) are well aware cancer kills. 4 years ago their 3 yr old cousin died of cancer. That was 8 months before my diagnosis and the first thing my then 8 yr old son did was count up the months she lived for and thought that would happen to me. Unfortunately, I’ve had aggressive secondaries for 2 years now and they know I will die very soon but it has given us time to build memories and to do different things we’d have never done otherwise.
The secondary forum is a wonderful supportive, caring place. Sometimes we can not be totally honest as it is an open forum to the whole of the world and you might have reasons for not posting certain things. You may not want your neighbours or your boss or certain family members to know things, even though we all try to be unidentifiable, they might still realise it is you. Live chat is wonderful as you know (well as much as you can) that the others are all genuine women with secondary bc and then it can be easier to express your feelings as you get to ‘know’ people better.
BC is a disease that kills but there are also ‘survivors’ - how to get the media to portray both sides feels impossible.
I hope you have a good christmas and your daughter can understand both sides to bc. I think this article has put fears into both of your minds and it is just unfortunate that it is christmas - hope that doesn’t offend you. Write to the editor but all the time people get a kick out of others misery, they will print these articles.
All the best
Katex
I guess there may be some warped people out there who feel better if they read about someone else’s bad luck, and portraying drastic stories is good business for certain types of media. Just like murders, marriage breakdown, stars having mental breakdowns, economic crisis, people with serious illnesses make “popular” reading and viewing. How many people would have watched the documentary featuring the man with assisted suicide out of pure scientific and ethical interest? Or would they tune in because it features fellow humans’ suffering or for no other reason than morbid curiosity? I suppose the press should take some responsibilty, but ultimately, we have to face it that some humans (probably more than we care to imagine) are blood thirsty creatures who do find peoples’ suffering interesting.
I agree with most of the above and was just thinking of my friend who died in October and her three children. I wonder how they would feel to know that people would rather brush their stories and memories under the carpet. Christmas is not just about the festivity is it? It is about remembering those less fortunate than us (says she with young children and secondaries). Perhaps the magazine is trying to remind us that Christmas is not always a joyful time and that tragedy happens at any time of year. Sorry, but this kind of thing does make me angry.
And today of course, we have to come to terms with the loss of another young mother to this dreadful disease.
Christmas is such a very weird time. On the one hand, there is all the hype and glitz and pressure to feel happy and in the holiday mood. On the other, life goes on and for many people who are suffering, Christmas only exacerbates their sorrow. I do agree that peoples’ stories should be heard and we should see how painful Christmas can be for some. However, I am not sure whether the magazines have these honourable intentions when printing the stories or whether they know it is just a good seller.
Thank you for all your views. It’s good to see things from another perspective but I still question the motives of these magazines.
Sometimes I feel as though I can’t start discussions on here anymore as some people take it personally and become offended when I can assure you no offence was intended.
Hi Alise, please do continue to add your discussions. The whole point of this website is to give EVERYONE a chance to discuss their views, problems etc.
I too, as a mother of four, am very sad to hear how upset your daughter was after reading the articles that you refer to and would advise you to write to the Editor of the magazines and view your opinion
I am sure that you as a person who was diagnosed with BC will understand that sometimes we do ‘bite’ at others comments, but this is part of venting feelings and that is what this website is all about. Please don’t take replies too personally.
I don’t take your views personally and understand that no offence was intended but if you start to discuss an emotive issue you are going to receive emotive replies and as you can see, there are strong views here. I have no greater wish in the world than to protect my two children (7 & 8) but I don’t think the best way to do this is to hide cancer from them. My son has already had episodes where he fears my death and at some point he will doubtless have to face this again and my worst fear is having to face this with him. As always, we must remember that every aspect of breast cancer is felt or experienced by at least someone on this board, and this includes the scary and unpalatable truths.
Gosh, so many shades of opinion here! And all making valid points…
I don’t think the press has a great interest in any particular theme, except as a barometer of how many copies of each edition they can sell.
Myself, although I know that the people concerned obviously gave their consent to having an article written about them and presumably approved the copy before it went to press, I do not want to read it. I would feel uncomfortable, as tho’ I’m intruding, that I’m being a bit ‘voyeuristic’. I prefer facts. (Also, I’ve had experience of press reporting of myself in the past - and it was far from accurate). But, from reading other posts here, I can accept that other do feel these stories do have merit, a place and a part to play.
I have mixed feelings on his one. I personally don’t like reading about the sad stories (now I am a Cancer victim) and would like to see more success stories that reflect the hard work that Breast Cancer Care and Cancer Research do, and how the fund raising money is spent and the success strories from that. Anyone with any type of cancer will at some point have asked the question - what will happen to me? and think the worst. And anyone with cancer will try and cling on to any bit of good news, even if its someone elses just to give a bit of hope. I also understand that for families who are losing or have lost a loved one they may find it reassuring to read an article from someone in a similar situation (as we all do on this forum for the same reasons) to help them come to terms with it all. Saying that I am not sure what the magazines get out of it, and certainly for me as I have done, I would rather talk to realy people like all of you, than an edited story not knowing how much of it has been edited to make a profit. I too hope I have not offended anyone, and hope you know what it is i am trying to say - having done some editing of my own when replying to this thread!
