I was diagnosed in june last year and told that I had mets in my spine in august this year. My partner of seven years was really awful at coping with the original news and kept on telling him how dreadful he was feeling and never asking me how I was doing. After six months of chemo and his self absorbtion I decided that I would be better off alone and left him. So far, so good. Lovely flat and lovely puppy. Then start getting ill. Nausea and back pain and the scan confirms my worst fears that it has spread to my spine. I’ve always been someone who has loved my independence and my own company- my friends have always known this. The trouble is that I really need support now and don’t know how to ask for it. I need help with the practical side of things as mobility is sometimes a problem but most of all I need company to distract me. Most of my friends have busy lives, families and are spread over London. How do I raise my feelings of fear and loneliness? Two close friends have avoided me since the diagnosis which hurts so much and I couldn’t cope with more rejection. What I would love is for my friends to suprise me with small acts of kindness but it doesn’t happen often. How can I raise the need for support without sounding critical?
I was diagnosed in Nov 2008 with mets throughout my spine and one in my liver.
I think you made the right decison to end your relationship as the last thing you need is someone who is egocentric and needy but its still a shitty thing to have to go through.
I am still in a relationship. He purchased a bottle of wine tonight, put it in freezer forgot about it and it is now frozen. As I type this he is trying to defrost it by shoving the bottle under my legs. I am finding this quite annoying.
Discussing how you feel on a site like this or going to a support group is a good way of discussing your fears with people who are in a similar situation.
This disease can make you feel isolated and lonely. I try not to discuss the C word with friends too much as it tends to put a bit of a dampner on things. I use a support group and this site to discuss my feelings about this disease.
I find that I am better able to cope by disracting myself. As a consequence I tend to make more efforts to go out and do things. I now go to events that I would not have considered pre diagnosis. This week I went to a number of events at a literature festival. I tend to book tickets in advance as it gives me something to look foreward to. This also motivates me as I have pre-paid and I can’t cope with the idea of not getting something for my money. Making the initial moves is sometimes the hardest thing to do.
A few people I knew ran a mile when they heard about my diagnosis, this was upsetting. I think their behaviour has more to do with their issues and not me. I have also made some new friends.
Hope this helps.
What is your puppy called?
I have two rescue cats, Ruby and Pearl. They are both a bit odd looking. I think Ruby looks like Patrick Moore or possibly Bungle from Rainbow.
Thanks for your wise words. I think you’re right about having things to look forward to. I’ve stopped doing that recently as I would feel so disappointed if I didn’t feel up to doing things. I was always waiting for the day when I would feel well and full of energy. It’s hard to accept that this is my life now. Also you reminded me that I have made a brilliant new friend during this horrible time and not only lost friends. My puppy is called nelson. He’s a rescue dog with a face of a monkey and fur which can only be described as a “bad hair day”!
Hi Rivka
I’m sorry you are having such a rough time - I’m also a dog lover with spine mets. I don’t know where you live, and you did mention mobility problems which may prevent this, but are you able to get out to local park with the puppy? In my area of London there is a really busy social scene based around the dogs - everyone seems to go to the park at about 9am (most have just done school runs) and then meet up and walk and chat in groups. I walk in Greenwich Royal Park which is quite busy and maybe not at all typical, but whenever a new person arrives with a puppy they get included into one of the existing groups of walkers. It’s a really nice start to the day.
I know this wouldn’t help with reaching out to your existing friends, but you might be able to make some new ones that could help with your puppy on the days when you can’t manage. Anyway - just a thought.
finty x
Hi Rivka
Nelson sounds sooo cute. Hope you are feeling a bit better. Just echoing Finty’s comments there are loads of dog lovers in London. I have a couple of friends who live in Hackney, they started off with one dog now they have 3. They have met people through their dogs. When I visit them we take the dogs out to Victoria Park and it amasing how many people stop to talk and its becuase of the dogs.
I used to live in Tottenham so I am familiar with parts of London.