My dear AJT
I am SO GLAD you have posted on this forum. A great place to share your thoughts, feelings, difficulties, fears, anger even. Anger - Yes. I’ve just posted an apology elsewhere for my expletives in a past message. Get a bit carried away, at other people having to go through it as well as the effects it’s had on myself, so have to keep my language in check !!
Not enough that you and your hubby have had to cope for so many years with the worry of his cancer. (May I ask what type your husband has). You now have your own to deal/cope with - a double whammy. Life really is soo unfair sometimes. I would have done the same as you ref having all the lymph nodes cleared to give me some peace of mind. Well done in getting through that and your rads. I didn’t require rads or chemo, just had both mastectomies 9 months apart from two seperate primaries. That was nearly 10 yrs ago now.
Yes it does change you. I’m not the same person I used to be and wont ever be. My essence is the same, but my strength isn’t, and I’m talking mental strength more than physical. But . . . I am stronger from IT in other respects. Far more compassionate, understanding, loving. It’s a potentially life threatening disease so when you’ve actually experienced it yourself, it has and is bound to have a lasting impact on you as a person and your life.
People still get up my nose with the things they come out with such as " You’ll find someone who loves you as you are". My thought response being “Mmmm still single but with no boobs!! If I don’t like how I look, I’m not gonna be happy with someone else looking at me fullstop”. They’re trying to be supportive in their own way, but sometimes without thinking. It’s the same with what you are saying about going back to “Normal”. That “normal” has gone. You now have to settle to that you now have a “new” or “different NORMAL” and embrace that. You or others canNOT expect you to be the same after such a major massive trauma.
Also AJT - you’ve now been released from being under the watchful supportive eye of a close medical team for many months. It’s only natural that you now feel “on your own”, having been severed from them and their apron strings so to speak.
That’s a fantastic step you’ve taken in attending the “Moving Forward” course. I wish it had been around when I was going through it, but there was very little. It may have helped me cope better, which I hope it does you. Plus, it puts you into direct contact with other similar women. You could make some really nice friends from your unfortunate experience - I hope you do. There’s an immediate bond/understanding between you all.
Just as we understand you on here darlin. You waffle, sob, rant, complain all you want. (I often do :-)! as many have witnessed and supported me through). It’s a pleasure to meet and hear from you. So please keep posting to keep us in touch with how you and your husband are.
Much love
Delly xxx