My sister has saved my life 3 times, and I don’t know how to thank her.
We were never very close but got on fine as we lived 600 miles apart. We spent much of our childhood and adulthood being jealous of each other. I was so jealous when she gave birth to her daughter (I have 2 sons). 2 years before, she had been treated for bc at the age of 35. 2 years later she got it again and she died a few months after her 40th birthday. In those days genetic testing was not heard of.
FIRST TIME: Because of her first diagnosis, I had mammograms and after 10 years they caught my first bc before it had spread and long before I would have had routine mammograms. I never felt the lump.
2ND TIME: She left a 3 year old daughter who now at 16 wanted to know her chances. So rather grudgingly I went early for my yearly check up to see about genetic testing and did my routine checks 6 months before I would normally would have done. They found very aggressive bc in the other breast (I never felt the lump) and I am being treated now.
3RD TIME: I got the results of genetic testing today and I have the BRCA1 mutation Waiting to finish chemo to get a date for an oophrectomy as I apparently have a 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer.
Why her and not me, why did I not save her life. I was the older sister.
Maria
Oh my dear, there are no words. Please, please, please do not beat yourself up over this. Your sister would not have been happy to get BC (I’m assuming she was sane), but I’m sure she would say that to have one positive outcome come out of this can only be a Good Thing. It doesn’t matter how good or bad a relationship, not one of us wishes this on another person. If we can’t avoid having it ourself, saving another is a gift. Saving you three times is the gift she was given to balance out the price she had to pay. Saving you three times is the gift she has given to you.
Sometimes us older sisters cannot be the one to take care of our younger siblings. It hurts, it feels wrong, it feels against nature. Your sister will not be thinking those thoughts looking down at you. She will simply be thinking: live Maria, live well.
Please accept the love and hugs of an older sister & forgive yourself for still being alive.
oh maria, i am really sorry the results came out as they did for you. It will take you a while to assimilate the news no doubt, but at least now you know and can take action. I think from reading other threads that there is a facebook group people with the brca 1 gene?
As for your sister, you are not at all responsible for what did or did not happen to her. You were both dealt a cr*p hand with this gene, but i bet you have loved and looked after her daughter all these years, and i know part of the reason you took this test was for your neice’s benefit.
I wish there was something of real comfort i could say, but as often is the case, they would feel empty words. Instead, i am thinking of you and sending you lots and lots and lots of hugs.
Oh dearest Maria so sorry that the results came out as they did and that this brings your relationship with your late sister to the forefront of your mind. She gave you a gift- we cannot be held responsible for our genes.Please do not beat yourself up about this.
You have been so very brave and pro-active in getting this BRAC1 test done- for your nieces benefit and now having to deal with the implications for yourself.
All I can say is thinking of you and sending loads and loads of love and hugs your way Jackie
Maria, I said in your other thread I am so sorry you now have this to deal with. If your sister was still here I am sure she would be eternally grateful to you for going through with this test to help her daughter. Your are a lovely lady Maria, and I am sure your sister knew that before she died.
Thinking of you and sending you loads of (((((((hugs )))))))
Love Heather
xxxxxxxx
Yes Maria, Your sister has helped you in your life three times.
But you have done more than you know to help your sister’s daughter, and that she could never repay you for, not that you would want repaying!
You have given your niece the chance to be aware that they may carry the BRCA1 gene, and these days thankfully they have the chance to take things into their own hands.
They will have a lot to go through to have their tests and if the need be, to decide what to do, thanks to you they know the situation.
You could have buried your head in the sands, like my nieces sister, who refuses to have the test. Her sister has the gene and having a mx, but sadly the sister is in total denial.
Whatever worries they go through over the next few years, is nothing compared to being diagnosed with bc, as we all know too well.
Fate took hold Maria, and thanks to you, the family know the situation, so stay positive, you have done all you can with regards to telling your niece.
Now it is time to look after Maria, another op for you after chemo! and a step closer to getting your life back together with your wonderful sons.
Sending Hugs and Love to you for a peaceful weekend, speak soon
Sandra xxx
Maria,
Your sister would be so proud of what you have done for her daughters, giving them a chance to know what may be in store for them, remember that there is a 50% chance they will not have the gene, you do have and now need to face another op against the silent killer, ovarian cancer gives no signs till it is too late to do anything and I wish you all the love and luck in the world.
I too say if it were not for my younger sister finding a lump (which thank god was nothing) I would not have gone to the dr’s with my little dimple and my bc would not have been picked up for another 3 years when I started my routine mamograms - so my sister has saved my life too.
You are a lovely lady Maria and I wish you all the strength in the world to deal with yet another blow you have been dealt.
Love and Hugs (although they dont feel enough tonight)
So sorry to hear that you have the gene.That is a wonderful thing you have done for your niece and your sister will be so proud of you.Sending hugs xxxxx
Maria,
Sorry to hear that you have been found to have the BRCA1 gene.
Let’s take a glimpse of the positive side of you getting this knowledge…you can now help your niece and support her in any decisions she may have to make (your sister would be so grateful to you for helping her).
You now need to face another operation (oophrecotmy which most of us didn’t even know what that was a few months ago) and of course we will cyber support you through that. This operation won’t be wanted but could help stop you getting ovarian cancer which has to be a good thing in the long run because you are such a special lady that everything that can be done has to be done to keep you up and running
If you hadn’t had the test you may have developed ovarian cancer but now you can help prevent it:-)
I think that you will thank your sister by acting on what you know and as you have done before due to circumstance, you now will be treated so that you will survive and still be there for her daughter.
You have had a chance that she didn’t have because of the availability of testing…embrace it Maria…it was there before, it hasn’t just developed and knowing will help you decide your future.
Hope this helps, special hugs for a special lady Suze xxxx
It sounds like this is a really tough time for you. As well as the support you are receiving here it may help to talk things through with a one of our trained members of staff on the helpline. Here you can share your feelings and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as support and information. The number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm and Saturday 9am to 2pm. Please do give them a ring.
Despite the bad news and regrets you must look to the positives. The testing means that your niece will be regularly checked to see if she has this awful disease. YOur sister would be so pleased that her daughter has this opportunity to prevent cancer and live a full life. It also means that you won’t be caught out by ovarian cancer and will be here to support your niece through her life.
Unfortunately the technology wasn’t there for your poor sister but it is there for her daughter and you. Your sister saved your life and you are doing what you can to extend and enrich her daughters life.
Please try and avoid upsetting yourself over things about which you have no control. I have BRCA2 (as does our 26 year old daughter), and for a short spell I was plagued with guilt at feeling that I had passed on my defective genes to her. Why couldn’t she have inherited her father’s genes on this …Anyhow, it would be so easy to fall into this trap-but I managed to claw myself back out by the following means. Given that the level of monitoring is so accurate nowadays, potential problems will be spotted soon. Plus, there is a huge amount progress being made in this field-all which will serve your family well.
I think I should also point out that your neice will be unlikley to be accepted for genetic testing before her mid 20s, so there will be even more progress made by the time it becomes potentially relevant for her.Given that there wil be many years before your neice will be able to process her risk factors, it becomes even more important for you to find a way to let your head rule your heart on this one!
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
I have found it difficult to know exactly how or what I feel about this. I knew there was a possibility of me being positive, and it doesn’t upset me too much, for me. I don’t need my ovaries any more, and goodness me, kick me when I am down, it doesn’t matter, less far to fall !! It’ll just take me longer to get up again, but I will. I feel so sorry for my Mum who is 80 and fit and well, she may need her ovaries out and she has to support my niece through all this. I feel sorry for my niece and all the choices she will have to take, but I must trust the medical world, and hope they will come up with some realy good preventive medicine soon, with no side effects, as my boys could also pass it on to their daughters.
As to coming to terms with my sister’s death all those years ago, your words have been very helpful and comforting. As I have said in other posts I am very good with the theory, but need to be reminded from time to time.
THANK YOU
Hugs
Maria
Maria,
I’m thinking of you just like all the other ladies on this site, you are a very brave and loverly lady, you are a great support to all your cyber friends. We are here to give you all the support we can, with love and best wishes,
Hello Maria, I am sorry that you have had all this to deal with recently. Just to say that I am thinking about you too and sending you a cyberhug. Sandra is so wise and I thought the words she used were just so perfect that I cannot add anything new. LOve Val
Sending you positive thoughts and love MAria ,so sorry that your journey will take another road before you finish ,but you´ll cope , as you´ve coped with every thing that life has thrown at you so far ,and , being the Maria we have come to know and love , you´ll be there to support your mum and your niece in whatever they decide to do .
Yes you lived when your sister did´nt , but it´s not been an easy journey for you . I´m sure your sister is watching and loving you for the love you give her daughter .
luvKris
