I found out last week that my Mums got Breast Cancer and i dont need to tell anyone on here how i feel, but i dont know how to cope with it , im very strong when im around her but when she is not here i just cry and feel so empty and useless . my other problem is that she lives so far away and it is upsetting me more that i cant be there with her. i have just returned from seeing her and it was one of the hardest things i have had to face, yet i know that it is harder for her, she is having her operation at the end of the month and it will be then that they will let her know which kind of breast cancer that she as. im petrified for her she is so beautiful and MY Mum and i dont want her to suffer any pain but more than anything i dont want her to be given bad news either.
i love my mum and Dad so much and it is very hard to see them having to go through all this . i feel like selling up and moving back to be close with her but i know she wont want me to. she wants me to get on with life but how can you when you know that she’s got to face all of this ??
Im so hopeing that you out there will help me get stronger for my mum and also help me understand that just because you get Cancer it does not mean your going to /die…
Why is life to cruel and why do the good people in life have to suffer when the nasty evil people out there live on and on .
I hope i dont sound selfish , i really hoped that i would never have to join a club like this but know that you are a great support to others out there.
So sorry to hear about your mum. You are not being selfish at all, and I am sure your mum feels very privaliged to have a daughter as caring and loving as you.
The waiting to find out how aggressive or not the cancer is, is very difficult, I know. Its often harder being the healthy one and watching your loved ones being ill.
Of course your upset, but you will be strong for your mum, I know. Don’t beat yourself up because you live far away, She knows you are supporting her. I know what its like, its YOUR MUM and you Love her.
Keep on loving and supporting her as you already are.
Hi Poppy, how i wish i had a magic wand for all of us!!! your very lucky to have such a wonderful mum and she is very lucky to have a wonderful caring daughter like you, i can only reiterate what Susie has said, its very hard, and some days will be so much worse then others, but please just try to hope for the best, its all any of us can do, nothing is ever certain in life, but the love between and mother and her child is nearly always very certain. if you need to talk to someone ring the helpline on here, they are really good and it may help to give you more strength
I’m sorry to read that you’re having such a difficult time at the moment, please do give our helpliners a call for further support. You will be able to chat about how you are feeling and also ask any questions about the issues which are worrying you.
The number is 0808 800 6000 and it is open Monday-Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm.
I’m really sorry to hear about your Mum. My Mum was also diagnosed in late August, and now she has just had her first chemotherapy this week. She is having it before the surgery.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I clearly remember the day Mum told me she had found a lump and although I was upset, I just thought it would be a cyst. Sadly it wasn’t and I was totally devestated. My Nan died last year and my Mum had cared for her for the last 10 years while my Nan had been ill, and now just as Mum was able to start having her own life again, we are hit with this. I feel angry that she is having to go through it and as I have said many times, I wish it was me that was going through it and not her. Do you live with anyone? I live with my boyfriend and he has been great. Like you I am strong around Mum, but fall to bits when I get home if we have been for an appointment and especially after the chemo this week. But sometimes just for no reason, I’ll just say to him ‘Right I’m going to cry now, but don’t worry, I’ll feel much better after’ and it’s really the truth, It’s sometimes just better to let it out.
I understand that it must be very hard living away from your Mum, but one thing my Mum has said is that she wants me to carry on as normal as much as I can. Sounds stupid, but it actually makes her feel worse if I do seem to be living myself around it. Of course really I am, and it’s going to affect me big time, but equally I am trying to make plans and enjoy the weeks in between the chemo, with doing nice things with Mum and also my friends. Maybe you could just plan more trips than normal to see your Mum, plan nice things to do with her?
The hardest part for me was the not knowing, and I expect this is the time you are going through now. Try to make sure you speak to your Mum lots, and use this website for information. It was invaluable to me. Admittedly some information is scary and without lying, the chemo this week was awful to see and Mum did have side effects, but she is feeling much better now and I’m currently looking on the net for a nice hotel to go to the last weekend before her next chemo!
Cancer is a scary word because for those that have never been affected by it before, like myself, we don’t know what it really means until a time like this. It certainly doesn’t mean your Mum is going to die, there are so many excellent consultants that will do all the correct tests for your Mum to ensure she has the right treatment to suit her. It will be a long and difficult journey, but you will get through it. Be strong and come on here whenever you want to talk or have a concern. I’m amazed by the strength of the women on here, many of whom i wouldn’t have got through this without.
Thank you to all that answered my message, i already feel more focus and ready to face this with my Mum, i thank you from the bottom of my heart and wish all of us a Happy ending
Thank you so much for you reply i cant ell you how much you message as helped me , just knowing that im not alone is makeing it more easily to bare. I feel a lot better today not so weepy ,i have realised that you have to take each day at a time and speak to my Mum as much as i can and belive me i certainly will. i have been here before my Mum had another type of cancer only in May this year and it was removed and was given the all clear… then in less than a couple of months she developed BC, it seems so unfair she’s gone through enough . But we have no choice but to all face this and be a support network for my Mum and this is what we shall do…
Yes i do have a husband he is 100% here for me , but even he does not know how to deal with it , how to be with me , does not know if i want a hug or left alone, but someone he manages to get it right .
I will be on here a lot im a great beliver of forums they help me years ago when i had to face an Hysterectomy i was scarred , worried but the ladies on that forum reasurred me and helped me through it…
I wanted to ask you if you have children yourself? When my Dad became ill with Lung Cancer and was terminal, I felt just like you do now. He was such a good man and I was bitter and felt life was so unfair. He coped amazingly well, even planning his own funeral, putting his affairs in order and so on. I couldn’t understand where he got his mental strength from to behave like this.
Now I have had to live with a life threatening illness myself and can see things from the other side. Don’t get me wrong, I have suffered and cried a lot, but always have the strength to be strong when it comes to my kids. It seems to me a fact that being a parent, you always put others first and this has really helped me, as I am sure it is is helping your Mum.
I hope this has helped you to realise how your Mum is managing, and how she would want you to get on and live your life. She is simply being unselfish as us Mums usually are!
Just make sure she knows you love her and care, I’m sure you are doing this anyway.
Dear Poppy,
You must feel so helpless, Your mum and Dad need you now, this time is the hardest, I have a daughter who went thr the same as you last year, she wrote down her true feeling just like you and it made me cry, not because I felt sorry for myself because I was/am truely lucky to have someone who cares and loves me, the same will be for your mum, she is so lucky to have you around, to be there for her, she will be having mixed emotions at the moment, but things will settle, Just be there to listen, listening helps more than you think, Cancer is a cruel disease and nobody deserves it, there’s a lot of information about, read as much as you can, I had a mastectomy last year, chemo radiotherapy etc and now I have tried to put it all behind me, the future is bright, and the same for your mum.
look after yourself too.
I’m really glad my message was able to help you a bit. I know there’s nothing that can stop it altogether, but these forums provide some light don’t they. I really couldn’t have got this far without it. If ever you fancy a chat just start up a thread, I tend to look on here most days, just haven’t had the chance over the weekend.
My Mum has her second chemo a week tomorrow and I’m dreading it, but hopefully she won’t feel as bad as the last one. I just think of it as the second one down. Speaking to Mum earlier she said her hair has started to come out quite significantly now and that has made me a little upset. You think these things will never happen to you or loved one’s, but sadly they do. We’ll get through it though. When I asked her if she wanted anything from the shops she said a ‘hunky baldy man to match’ so if she can keep her sense of humour up, I’m pretty sure I can!
I hope you are well and best wishes to you and your Mum.
Do let us know how everything goes. Try to think that even though this period of time is horrible, it’s getting rid of the evil disease. Think of some nice things you’ll do after with your Mum. We’re planning a big holiday for later next year!
Just a thought:
When I was diagnosed the first thing I thought is “at least it is me and not one of my kids”. Really. It was the first thing in my head. Then I started worrying about upsetting them and causing their grief. I felt guilty for having this “pain - causing” thing. It’s instinctive to want to protect your children, and confusing to think that I was the conductor of the upset.
Others’ pain feels unbearable sometimes I know. It leaves us feeling powerless, but, your love will get you both through this.
sorry i haven’t been in touch my computer buggered, hopefully it is fixed now- my my for the few weeks that i couldn’t access this web site was terrible, seemed to have taken 2 steps forwards 5 steps back! its amazing how just chatting to someone going through the same makes things seem so much better.
anyway i have been feeling quite low and losing my positive attitude that i had kind of developed a few weeks ago, i now feel really sorry for myself just wishing this was all a bad dream (having dreams that it is all one big dream).
again i have been reading as much as i can and nothing seems to be positive especially with this triple neg thing! but the thing that is worrying me the most is i am now finding it really hard to function normally around my family especially mum- all because i feel so so sad. i really need to give myself a good shake, but i can’t control it. i am rambling so much here the truth is i cannot put my true feeling into words. i am now also starting to feel envy towards my friends, who i see as living normally, and scared if i keep up my pathetic attitude i will lose them to.
Michelle i really admire you attitude, and i felt that a few weeks ago my attitude was similar. hope you and your mum are getting on ok, hope the holiday that you have planned is something really special. my mums hair started to fall out a few days before her second chemo, and maybe that is why i am now finding it hard, cause after surgery chemo, it all happens so fast you don’t seem to believe that they are unwell, but when there appearance changes it seems to change things. things sink in, think they have for mum too. hair- you complain when you have it yet its amazing how much its missed. anyway apart from hair loss, mum seems to be doing great with the chemo, although she doesn’t talk to me much about her true feelings i think she is doing fine mentally as well.
Poppy i am really sorry that you have to join us but you have come to the right place, this forum offers so much support as you know. hope i am not making you feel worse, going on and on. hope your mums surgery went well, and your coping well.
to all the other girls who reply, your messages are so thoughtful and really supportive, i really admire the courage and positive vives you send. anyway i have went on and on a little to much.
love and hugs to you all
jo
xxxx
any advice greatly appreciated
It sounds as though you could do with talking to someone about how you are feeling at the moment, our helpliners can support you and advise you of other forms of support which may also help you. Please call freephone 0808 800 6000 Monday to Friday 9am-5pm and Saturday 9am-2pm for a confidential chat with one of our team who are either specialist breast care nurses or have had experience of breast cancer themselves.
Poppy,
Comment ça va?
I am a Mum who put my daughter through anguish when I was diagnosed with a recurrence of BC . I was the one who moved - to France - this had already been decided because my daughter was at a low ebb herself and I thought, six years on from cancer Number One , that I was well enough to help her. In the event it was she who took care of me - with such selfless devotion I can never repay her. Chaemo struck me down so low I thought I was “finished” or at least an invalid and burden for evermore.
BUT - this was all 15 months ago and now I am gardening, decorating, enjoying collecting my six year old grandson from school, going out on village “jollies”.
I am 72.
Bisous pour vous et votre maman
Shirley
I to am a mum who is putting two daughters through it, have just had a simple? masectomy 12 day ago, and get the results from snb tomorrow, know both of them will be right behind me no matter what, incidently they are 28years and 12 years old. The youngest has just changed schools, and she has got the school as it is think pink month to hold a cake stall this friday in school, she has organised the whole thing rallied round the parents etc to make cakes. This has made me very proud to think that she can do all this, plus she has cooked several meals for us since I came home from hospital, just typing this makes me tearful, but hey you daughters are the greatest thing ever, where would we be without you. Take care and tell your mum I will be thinking of her and her wonderful daughter.