Will this ever end?

Hello everyone, I am 18 months post dx and a year post treatment (chemo, rads, lumpectomy and tamoxifen. I have been back at work nearly a year and have been finding it more and more diffiuclt to cope. Today I have gone sick as can cope no longer. I suffer depression before dx and it has come back with a vengeance since treatment has finished. I also have osteoporosis.My antidepressants have been changed but still no improvement. My memory is terrible and so is my concentration. I am always in floods of tears. i am scared that I will completely lose it if I carry on like this. I am having counselling and have involvement with the mental health team. I saw a doctor today (not my usual GP) and she actually told me that if I exercised i would feel better. I have tried this before and it did not help. She also did the ‘positive’ thinking bit on me. if only it were so simple. I just carrried on crying when she siad all this to me. Please help.

Rachy xxx

Oh Rachy, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad at the moment. I’ve been back at work since June (having finished treatment in May) and it’s not easy. Maybe the antidepressants need changing again - either brand or dosage. Your doctor has to do all she can to help you through this tough time. And if one more person tells me to ‘think positive’ I think I’ll scream! Seriously, it’s so tough and when my lymphoedema nurse told me it would take a year to 18 months to recover physically from the treatment I doubted her but now know it’s true. Mentally, it’s so much harder to cope as it’s living with the awful uncertainty day in day out. And at the same time as carrying on working and doing the usual day to day stuff. For myself I do find going out for a walk lifts me a bit but I don’t feel able to do much in the way of exercise just yet.

Sorry I can’t be more helpful but know that I’m sending you a huge cyber hug and hope your depression lifts soon. What about ringing your bcn? - just a thought.

Take care, Pat x

I am feeling your pain and understand it. This is what I do if it helps at all.

I walk. I walk everywhere and while I walk I listen to mp3 of Stephen Fry (you can find me laughing out loud to him), I listen to positivity audio, Joyce Meyers who says it as it is and knows BC personally, Neil Diamond, Bette Midler absolutely anything that I know will keep me smiling and relaxed so that all the other bits in between I deal with.

If I am fidgety at home I walk - I walk to Westfield (London) look around stroll the floor and I go to the Library and I go to Holland Park and Kensington Park and sit on a bench and listen to relaxation and I open my eyes and I am seeing the beauty of the parks.

It was Stephen Fry who got me into this as I heard him talking about it one day and I am a tweeter too and he suggested this. It was hard to get into as I have always been a doer not a relaxer but now I recommend this to all. Since BC my thoughts are all over the place and the Tamoxifen has left me emotional and lacking in concentration. I was a teacher and was is the word. I couldnt go back to it now with the groups I had although if they wanted to stab me now I have protection from my prosthesis over the heart area!

I will take an easy stress free job and enjoy it - less money than I am used to but I have experienced the more money you earn the more you pay out and waste.

I do hope that you feel better for staying at home - maybe you just deserve it hey?? We have worked so perhaps you should give permission to yourself to stay at home and actually recover properly.
God bless xxxx

Thank you for your prompt replies. I used to walk alot but recently as i have felt more down, achy and tired I feel unable to do anything other than go to work and go home. I tried to go into town and go shopping recently but got so hot and tired I started to cry. Very busy too. I seem to have no stamina for anything at the moment. If I go out, I can cope with it for a while then i go home again.

R xx

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((big hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Its very hard isn’t it.I am 14 months post diagnosis and ended up being off work 6 months as I couldn’t face/cope going back.But even after I went back I really struggled and my manager didn’t really know what to do with this weeping member of staff!I work in healthcare and I found dealing will ill patients many of whom hade cancer very difficult.
I finally started ADs and they helped tremendously.I am sorry yours do not seem to be effective,or maybe you just need some “me” time.Be kind to yourself,you deserve it.
I was rediagnosed in July and am a bit up and down despite the ADs and also just want to get home wherever I am!
Take care,

Dear Rachy, You need to have time off work and be good to yourself. You also need to talk to someone ( other than the hopeless doctor who sounded as good as useless!) and I would suggest that the Breast care Nurse at your hospital might be the place to start. Do you have a Maggie Centre near you? I don’t know where in the country you live. What you feel has affected loads of women with BC so you are not alone. Keep posting on this thread and we will support you through this. Do you have a partner? Can you talk to him/her? I was in a very dark place recently. I haven’t been on anti depressants yet but I have close family memebers who have suffered from depression for years so I know how it affects everyday life. I have climbed out my hole now…just…early days but one day at a time. Send me a PM if you prefer. Take care, don’t give up…and keep us posted. Love Val XX ( Scottishlass)

I am so touched by the replies I am getting from you all. I don’t have a maggies centre near me but do have a very good local cancer charity centre in my very small town. I use them often and they are excellent. I am off sick now as feel this the right thing to do. My partner said this to me too as saw the state I was in. He is very good but sometimes he gets upset and he gets scared for me. My BCN is not much good as have spoken to her before about how I was feeling and she just referred me to my GP. It is good to know that so many of you feel the same as me. It makes me feel less alone.Sorry to hear about your rediognosis Dot.

love R xx

Hi Rachy,
just wanted to say I am sorry to hear you are suffering with depression.Lets hope your g.p. will be super efficient and help you.
Love Debsxxx

Hi Rachy,

You sound just like me, this time last year. You’ve definately done the right thing in staying at home and not going to work as you need to heal before you can face anything extra. Like you, I had an excellent local cancer charity which provided wonderful counselling and, together with the drugs, I began to feel better.
Don’t put yourself under more strain by trying to rush it or being too impatient as I did - it’ll take the time it takes to feel better and one day you will.
Best wishes.You could PM if you’d like and I’ll tell you more if it’s any help.

Thank you so much everyone for your support. I am on my first day sick today and do I feel better. It was the right thing to do.A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Rachy xxx

hi rachy

sorry your emotions are getting you down. i too have had deppression in the past and was on anti deppressants already when i was diagnosed, they do actually help me, to keep stable. im not working at the moment, and i do feel sometimes were made to feel we should be rushing back. i tried to return to work after chemo, but it created other physical problems for me, so had to give up.
i think looking after yourself and just managing the home is enough whilst in recovery.
i realise what u say when you feel walking doesnt releive the deppression, but i feel it does help a little, and if i dont try and do something i feel useless. it takes a while for the deppression to lift and it feels as though the excercise is doing nothing at first. but all of a sudden you feel a little bit of enjoyment coming from it. you must cope with this in whatever way is best for you. take care god bless x

Hi Rachy, Just wondered how you were doing tonight love. I wanted to suggest something but feel free to reject the idea completely. I was thinking about you today and you mentioned walking didn’t help with your depression. Have you ever thought of doing 2 hours say, a week helping either in a charity shop or serving teas in the cancer centre. It wouldn’t tire you out like your day to day job but it may help by getting you out of your usual routine and perhaps meeting some new people. I do not mean you to do this now but while you are off work and recuperating perhaps you could think this over. I don’t mean for you to do your normal job and do this other work, but going somewhere to offer your services when you know you don’t have to go back for the rest of the week could perhaps help you to regain your confidence. I have read your posts in the past and think you are a very caring sort of person. Maybe something like this change could help you gain confidence again without the hassle of the stress of your normal job. Anyway I hope you take LOTS of time off because you need space just now, rest and lots of support. Love Val XX

hello everyone, I feel ok tonight just very tired. I have probably not being getting enough sleep recently due to all the stress. I will take one thing at a time and see how I go. I can be fine for a while but something small can set everything off again in my head so will not push it at the moment. I used to work in a charity shop when I was off sick 5 years ago (not bc). It was a cancer research shop. Unfortunately, i live in a very small town so alot of people know your business which can sometimes be hard if you are not feeling right. I don’t drive so it can be difficult to get out sometimes. Saying that many people have helped me out with lifts when public transport has not been unavailble and for that I am thankful.

R xx

Hiya Rachael

I’ve just read your posts and I hope you are coping ok today. Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel. I had a really bad phase a couple of weeks ago. I’ve joined an after cancer therapy group which is run at our local hospice so it may be worth checking if your area has anything similar. It helps just to know you are not alone.

ps It does get better, just takes time, I’m not 100% yet but I’m working on it.

Hang in there


Macmillan did run an after cancer course in October last year. However, my dad died very suddenley at the end of october so couldn’t go. Also it was quite a way from my home (I don’t drive)and after the bereavement the course finished. My local cancer charity is too small for this but their head office might do something. i will certainly look. I have wanted to go on a course like this all year but not found anything near to my home.Thanks for your support Niki


Hi Rachy, Just wondered if you were still up this evening and online and how you were doing. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with your Dad dying as well as everything else. The year I found out I had mets was awful. In January of 1999 my mother-in -law died very suddenly. In May that year, while we were in Italy, my father-in-law died. He was recovering in hopsital from a small stroke and was due to be discharged so we went off on holiday leaving his other son and daughter to cope. I was undergoing tests, not thinking it was anything o do with my BC as that had happenend 10 years previously…then in the August my OH’s Aunt died. We are such a small family anyway…It was the year from HELL. I then had to retire from work early and OH was off sick too with depression…no wonder with all that happening. I worried about everything. Now all these years later I would never have believed that life could go on…or that I would still be here. Depression and anxiety…not a pleasant place to be. I hope your mood improves soon and we get our old rachy back soon. Remember ONE DAY AT A TIME> Goodnight honey, love Val XX Big hugs for you too XX

Thanks Val for your message. I am still up but playing marjong on the computer to keep my mind occupied.No work this week so hoping this week will be better for me.

Rachy xx

Hi Rachy, I am so glad that you took the decision to have time off from work. Also don’t be in any hurry to rush back too soon. You still need time to get over all of this. I should be in my bed too. My OH went ages ago but I am not ready just yet. Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Did you go out at all at the weekend? What part of the country do you come from? I am in Edinburgh but live at the edge of the city. How is your husband coping? Are you able to speak to him to tell him how you are feeling? Is he able to do likewise with you? I don’t mean to be nosy. So, sorry if you feel I am asking too much. Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I like online games too. Have you visited “One more level”? It has new games every day. I like the old fashioned “Wordy” which is on Joytube but can be acessed through “One more Level” as well. Let me know if you want any other suggestions for games on this site. Take care and keep posting, Love Val X

Hi hope its ok to join in here, Im a newbie still and not too sure of the correct ways yet.Im only just starting on my secs treatment , due second taxol on thurs, at the Western , I too am in Edinburgh, do people meet up , ?Id be interested to know, it would be so nice, to share with others, share a similar space, experience , if you understand me, instead of trying to hold it all together for others, and be so upbeat about things, then have to go and cry and rage into a ppillow, I do feel though that the anger is receding a bit now, and I am taking so much comfort fromother brave stories, even though I know we are all different.Not much of a wordsmith Im afraid, and I think the steroids are making me cranky, and impatient, do they give these all the time?Love and hugs, gently if youve achey bones like me !!Tricia xxxxx

Hi Val, I live the other end of the country to you in Hampshire. My OH is very supportive but he admits that sometimes he does not know how to help sometimes if I am very distressed.i had a not so good day today and was very tearful.I did meet up with someone in my small town who has been through bc on more than one occasion and I spoke to her and she said that we should meet up for a chat. My weekend did not go to plan at all. i planned a surprise for my OH and it got cancelled so we were both upset by this.

Rachy xx