Wimpy, paranoid, delusional and wrecked. It sounds like a title for a book. Or at least a blog entry.
Love it.
Deirdre
Hi Ladies
Am I too late to join your elite group?
I feel after reading all your messages I too fit into this group I put things in the wrong place and ask the kids to put washing in the microwave etc I think people don’t realise what we actually have going round our mind other than the normal things. I just wish we could all stop worrying about scan results or any other result which could give us bad news
Take care
Lisa xx
Could i join your group too ladies?
My 11 year old son came in 6.30 the other night after playing with friends went up stairs onto xbox. Hubby came in half hour later asked were he was
I said he hadnt come back, and hubby went out to look for him - 20 mins later I remembered son was back - rang hubby couldnt make out what he said coz of the swear words. I blame the tablets!!! Also trying to drop the “thingy” word its now a “what do ya call it”
Ohh, also feeling sorry for myself, have lymphoedema, just recovered from cellulitis in arm and DVT which has left me with swollen leg and foot (3 months later still swollen) and a bruised tummy from the injections. Sorry thats a bit wimpy considering what other ladies are going through.
Take care everyone
xxx
As this club is ours it can be whatever we want it to be.
Love Debsxxx
I definitely feel like a wimp today! Was feeling all brave yesterday and a message from my chemo nurse asking about doing my bloods just brought all the fears and anxiety back again!! Been on a chemo break since the end of November but have to start again next week and only just started to feeling relatively human Christmas week and the thought of going through the chemo again just scares me silly! People think I’m strong and brave and I can be but I feel like screaming “I’ve done my brave bit now over the last 6 years. I’m done with it!!” but I can’t! it feels harder being on my own now and having to make all my own decisions and take all the resposibility for myself. It’s liberating in a way but hard when you feel weak. My nieghbour seemed to be talking me into saying chemo was ok yesterday and she laughed when I said how I stagger (literally)out of bed every day now unable to plant my feet securely on the floor and am bent over double for a while until the feeling comes back due to the Arimidex. I’m 38 and just feel like an old lady!! I know I should be grateful to be on all this treatment and the fact it is working for me (clear scan in November)but 9 consecutive months of chemo plus your husband who you thought was the love of your life walking out on you and throwing you into a very acrimonious divorce and trying to kick you out of your home takes its toll!!! Sorry to moan - was feeling brave yesterday when I read this thread but definitely a Grade A wimp today!!!
We should do a group scream!!!
Take care all xxxxx
Hi Anne
Don’t ever apologise for moaning - if you can’t moan to us who the h**l can you moan to - given everything you have had to contend with I think you are incredible. We all visit the dark place from time to time - its not a sign of weakness - just acknowledging the reality of our lives. Sometimes you can only appreciate the colour when you have stared for a long time at the dark. I know it is hard to make decisions on your own (and after 13 years of difficult marriage and a divorce from hell I can understand how liberating it can feel) but it can be scarry too. There is always someone here to bounce your thoughts around with. At least if you consider yourself to be a wimp today it is a grade A one - always strive to do your best even if its being a wimp !!! - no half measures accepted.
Like the idea of the group scream but I think my team might think I had gone completely made (they think I’m half way there with my chemo brain as it is)
Take care - keep moaning it does you good
Regards
Helen
Is irritable the same as intolerant?! I can do both to perfection. Not feeling too wimpy at the moment (Prozac’s a wonderful thing) but definitely got a big hole where my brains used to be…
Glad we’re all as bad as each other - at least we can laugh
Jacquie x
Anne - you definately don’t sound like a wimp to me. What a lot to go through in a year. Can’t believe neighbour’s attitude - I’m 46 - nearly 47 and struggle to get out of bed in the morning and numb feet are no laughing matter. Mine have improved a bit but tthe experience of trying to get down a spiral staircase in a Lakeland Shop with no feeling in your feet and the embarassment of having all these people staring and moaning at me and wondering why I wouldn’t speed up will live with me forever and I’m not easily intimidated usually by that sort of thing - I just get verbally abusive but I couldn’t then.
There’s no competition here (or I would like to think there’s no-one petty enough to start one) of who’s suffering or putting up with the most. We’re all here to support each other when we’re down and to have a laugh even if it is sometimes with a huge dose of black humour and irony and hopefully to celebrate the good news which admittedly we’re a bit short of at the moment.
I’ve tried to have a good day - shopping with a friend, drinking tea with another friend and got the stairlift fixed within an hour of it breaking down but
Bad - Warmfront have told me it takes 6 months to process an application for grant for insulation, boilers and central heating and 4 - 8 weeks for even an assessor to contact me. Pointed out that I’m getting DLA as not expected to live for 6 months and heating broken now. Got temporary fix so heating on full blast 730am - 930pm and can’t change anything as system being over ridden. Got to contact MacMillan Benefits helpline tomorrow as both Hospice nurses I’m allocated to are off sick and the one I’m meeting tomorrow has been as useful as a chocolate teapot and given me wrong info about warmfront and British Gas!! So if you are in receipt of DLA, get a Warmfront assessment done now incase you need help with heating etc in future!!!
Let us be wimps if we want to be and wallow in self pity and if we’re having a brave moment - seize it and be proud.
Kate
Hi everyone
Started the day really badly OH forgot his ID pass so popped it out to him in the car andslipped on the ice flew through the air - it must have been a wonderful sight fluffy dressing gown and Ugg boots at 5am!!! Bless him he couldn’t get out of the car to assist as I landed right at his door - some how he managed not to laugh. Nothing broken only my pride dented - cut hand which still hasn’t stopped bleeding (the joys of warfarin) and feel as if all I can do successfully today is cry - Think I classify for Wimp A** today!!!
I think it has brought home the fact that even simple things to others can potentially be a nightmare if you are in our position - I find that difficult to contend with.
Oh well I will put on my brave face and proverbaly boot myself up the backside and get on with my day.
Kate - hope you sort the nurse out - you deserve better
Regards
Helen
The reason I like the wimp club is that I think it subverts and undermines all those cliches about battling cancer and being brave (though for some people those cliches perform a useful function)
I think some people are much more stoical at dealing with illness than others. I’m not good with illness…never have been…I’m a female equivalent of man flu. From where I’m sitting now, feeling not wonderfully welll as I haven’t for 4 months, al I can see is declining physical health which somehow I am expected to ‘make the best of’ and play list games with myself in order to handle it. Welll I don’t want to handle it like that…I want to swear, cry, grump and feel sorry for mysefl.
I don’t want my epitaph ever to be be: ‘She was so brave’. Yes it is liberating to scream that I have done with braveness…and that cancer has made me even wimpier than before!
Jane
Can I just comment on the group scream…what a great idea!! Early on in my treatment I felt i wanted to find an open field somewhere where no-one could hear me, and scream at the top of my voice. I think it would get rid of the anger that has been building up, don’t you? Maybe some of you are so weary now, that you haven’t even got the energy to scream. I can imagine that will be so. I’ve had days during chemo when I’ve felt such a wimp, but there’s not much you can do about it.Because there is usually someone around, whose feelings we are trying to protect,we don’t get much chance to let the emotion out. That’s been my experience, anyway.
Jane,
You are having a very hard time,permission granted to feel extremely “wimpy”, whatever that means! Who coined that phrase, I wonder? It could be made SO much easier if people would talk about what may happen, and discuss with you what YOU want, couldn’t it? My heart goes out to you. ((HUG)).I may be one of those who don’t develop secondaries, but I’ve been thinking about what I would like done for my funeral, and might write it down and put in an envelope. let’s face it,it’s THE one certainty in this life ( whenever it comes ) and I do wish we could all talk about it openly. Hope this doesn’t upset or offend anyone reading this. My apologies if it does. It is how I am learning to cope and get on whilst I’m feeling relatively well, for who knows what tomorrow or next week, month or year may bring?
What do you do to fill your day, Jane? Or are you so tired now that you don’t have much energy for anything? The internet is a wonderful thing, isn’t it! I know you do a lot of research into bc. from your comments on these forums.
Best wishes to everyone, may the holes in our Swiss cheese-like brains begin to fill with good ideas!
A. X
I’ll join the wimp club. I feel I have been brave long enough, I now start to tell people how I really feel when they ask. I hate struggling to get in and out of the car, hobbling along while friend ‘power walks’, aching limbs, night sweats etc etc. Also that empty feeling when onc says for symptoms that don’t hurt… ‘well, we *could* do radiotherapy, or shall we just see how it goes?’. Gulp, not worth treating.
And what really bugs me is those who react to my weight loss (2 and a half stone) as if its good for me and I should be pleased. Hey, its because I keep being sick and have lost my appetite. Not fun. I look haggard. My clothes don’t fit and I can’t be ars** to buy any more. Losing weight can be a bad thing too.
End of wimpy rant…
Kate - just a quickie re warmfront. I was told the same. But in fact it all happened really quickly. I applied in October sometime, the assessor came round in November and the work has been completed today. I think they tell you it is going to take a long time to avoid building any unrealistic expectations, but you may find it happens a lot sooner.
Love
D
Deirdre - thanks for that. asked at Hospice today ad got confused what they said. they are applying to hospice charity for money for repair but plumber not been in contact and honestly don’t want that man in my house but don;t know where else to go.
Lottielemon - understand where you’re coming from. I lost over 3 stone very quickly due to liver spread and inability to swallow due to tumour squashing my oesophagus so couldn’t swallow and lived off baby food for 6 months. All I get told is how well i look now I’ve lost the weight. Had to buy new wardrobe but limited as don’t think will be here for much longer now but felt so much better with new clothes that fitted. I’d try to get some new clothes - it makes you feel mentally better.
All the best
Kate