Could really do with your help and advice. I’m feeling so low and lacking in confidence that it’s taken an age to even start writing this. The problem is to do with ‘friends’ at work who I though I could trust. I’ve been off sick for a year now and a couple of months ago I went to see my boss about returning to work as I was fed up with the benefits system etc, etc. Anyway, at the time I felt she was dismissive and unsupportive, but in hindsight realise that did she me a favour as I’ve been very depressed and also went on to get pneumonia and just wasn’t ready to go back.
The thing is, at the time I felt hurt and angry and stupidly told three different people, who I thought I could trust, about my feelings. I was really vulnerable and they knew that. (Sorry this is long winded but want to give an outline).
Recently I saw my boss again and had decided to tell her how I had felt previously and also that I had spoken to a couple of colleagues. I wanted her to know as I have always had a good relationship with her and didn’t want her think I’d been talking behind her back. Unfortunately she beat me to it because the people who I thought I could trust have been gossiping to just about everyone and apparently everyone knows how I felt. My boss was understandably upset that I didn’t tell her how I’d felt, and only heard via the gossips at work but we have sorted things out and are fine now. The problem is that I now have to face these so called ‘friends’, one of whom rings me quite regularly to meet for coffee and a chat and it seems that she is the main one who has been telling everyone my vulnerable feelings which I specifically asked her not to repeat to anyone. (I’ve told her all kinds of other things as well, like how I feel about my mx, splitting with my partner of four yrs. All kinds of personal stuff).
How do I face her when I feel so annoyed and betrayed by her. It’s hard enough having to go back to work after such a long time off and having a complete lack of confidence. Do I tell her and everyone else how I feel about their gossiping and risk making things worse, or do I just pretend that everything is ok when in fact I don’t trust anyone now.
Sorry this is such a long post but so fed up and just don’t know who to talk to. I feel really isolated, wish I never had to leave the house again.
I think Breast Cancer makes us all feel very isolated at times, and it really is only people who have been through it that appreciate how we feel. I think you should probably say to the person that you werent very happy about them repeating your feelings to all and sundry. It is really hard especially when you have to go back and face all these people. Is their a maggies centre near you, or a cancer support centre, I am sure it would do you good to talk to people in a similiar situation. I amd 3 years on and often have low moods and feel isolated. My family and friends often, I think, feel it is all in the past, but is it ever. I think about my mx and BC every day in life. I am awaiting reconstrucion and hope that will help me feel better about myself. Hope you manage to sort things out.
Friends, even good friends do talk amongst themselves. Only the very principled or conservative, I think do not. And they talk amongst themselves about other friends for all sorts of reasons but regardless of what these are, even the very good intentioned, it’s still a betrayal of trust. And when one is dealing with life issues such as breast cancer, it can be a real kick in the teeth to know that someone may have treat your personal situation, hopes, fears and feelings without the due respect and confidentiality you expect.
I think though, that its easy to think the worse of what they may have said, how they may have said it, to whom and why. Your friend may have genuinely intended to help you in some way, she may not. Personally, I would work out what I think she intended (it sounds like you know each other reasonably well), assess the real damage, how I really felt (anger and emotions about all the other stuff aside). I would arrange to see my friend in a place that allowed us to talk with some degree of privacy and then I would just ask her what she’s been saying and work in what I knew with what she said - for example if she said she hadn’t spoken to anyone about me. I’d let her know how I feel and see how she reacted. I would either draw a line on it and move forward as we were before, or to simply maintain a proffessional working relationship. I would be unlikely to fall out though I would be clear about my feelings etc.
I like to think that your friends intentions were honourable but then, I like to see the good in everyone and that means sometimes I get it wrong. I know also, that when I feel vulnerable or have a cancer-downer, I am much more sensitive, intolerant and quite impatient and recall when being off work for extended periods my confidence is affected and I get all kinds of insecurities. I try to be aware of all of these aspects and tread an objective line but its quite a challenge at times and even the most skilled trapese artist could easily fail!
Sending you best wishes for a happy outcome. Please do get smarted up or comfied down and do leave the house for a bit - its lovely spring weather where I am and the sun and fresh air always make me feel so much better and able to deal with whatever it is that’s waiting for me when I get back etc.
Love L x x x
PS. As a manager myself, if I had the situation you describe at work, I would have treat what was said to me in confidence and used the infromation constructively to ensure that you did indeed feel supported and encouraged etc. at our next discussion point. I would not have disclosed what your friend/collague had told me in order to avoid hurting you and also risk creating conflict and tension within the team. If your manager thought ‘you should know’ I don’t consider that particulaly professional. The most I would have done was express my concern to your colleagues that they should respect your privacy or be more discreet at the least
Thank you for replying so quickly. I hate to think of other people feeling low like this, but at the same time it does help to know you are not alone.
I guess you’re right, I should speak to the person/ people concerned as they made things awkward for me with my boss, it’s just difficult to pluck up the courage! God, I’m pathetic!
I looked for a Maggie center on the internet but doesn’t look like there is one near me, which is a shame as really do need to talk to someone. Don’t know what’s happening to me, I feel like I’m cracking up. Just need to pull myself together I suppose.
I hope your recon goes well for you, keep us posted on here, would like to know how you get on.
There are cancer centres at some of the larger hospitals around me, some hospices offer day care facilities councilling, therapy etc(mine is excellent) and my breast care nurse makes time for a long chat if I need one. Also BCC have their helpline? and Macmillon theirs. Hope you feel better soon - your really aren’t on your own. 1000s feel just like you - including me at times.
Thank you as well. You are so right about the insecurities and I know it is easy to blow things out of proportion. It helps so much to have people on here to talk to. Wish you were my manager, you sound like you have great people skills! I feel better already. Just need to work on this confidence thing!
I have an older Brother with learning difficlties who I care for. He has just rung to say that the chemist have got his medication wrong, so have no choice but to go out now, which is probably a good thing!
Thank you for your support.
Love Esme x
Its such an enormous step going back to work and it does leave us feeling very vulnerable.I am so sorry you feel betrayed by your friends at a time when you most need their support.
I agree with Georgibella that your boss has not handled the situation very well.Had my boss been in that position,she would feel disappointed, not in me for not telling her, but in herself for leaving me feeling unsupported.
I would also hope that she would treat what she was told in confidence.
I have had incidences of being bullied at work and know how hard it is to face those who have upset you so I don’t know if I can advise you to speak to your colleagues about it or not.I have told my boss but asked her not to deal with it until it happens again.Maybe your friend said what she said with a genuine intention to help you get the support you needed.
If it was me I would probably try to move on without a face to face with my colleague as I can do without more confrontation.But I would be more wary in the future of sharing personal confidences.
I am sorry I am not actually much help but just wanted you to know that we understand.
Is there a thread on here with people from your area ,or maybe you could start one as people who are in the same boat give the best support.
Love n hugs
Dot
xxx
As Georgibella has suggested, it may help to talk things through with someone in confidence and our helpliners are here to support you, the number to call is 0808 800 6000, weekdays 9-5 and Sat 9-2.
Great advice from Georgibella (wish she was my manager too) and Dot. I am concerned about you blaming yourself for this situation it’s not just a case of pulling yourself together – if only!! This b…… disease affects all aspects of our life and you have been through so much, believe me we all have the tee-shirts and getting back on board our previous lives is not easy.
Perhaps you should talk to your GP about how you are feeling? They could put you in touch with counselors or prescribe something even for a short time to help you get through this difficult time but please don’t blame yourself - you have done nothing wrong and deserve all the love and support that you can get.
I do hope you managed to get out in the sunshine today and think your post is the first step in getting the support you need. Acknowledging that you are lacking in confidence and feeling depressed is the first step to getting it sorted.
What an absolutely lovely bunch you are. As I said earlier, I had to go out to sort some things out for my Brother. (He’s such a love and faced so many challenges in his 56yrs of life). Anyway, came back to find more lovely people had replied to my post. Thank you so much. This forum does help so much.
Think I will ring BCC helpline on Monday and try to avoid work ‘friends’ over the weekend till I can chat with someone. It’s funny, every now and then I have days where I feel really confident, but the least little thing such as this completely knocks me. But as you all say, lots of us feel that way and it is such a help hearing from you.
Wish we could have one great big national meet up and all get together. Reckon we’d have right old time!
Going back out now to sit in the sun, which is all thanks to everyone here, as really didn’t want to bother earlier.
Hope you all have a lovely weekend.
Dear Esme,
So sorry you’ve had to deal with all this angst. It really can play on your mind when we’re feeling so vulnerable and isolated from whatever the ‘normal way of coping’ is…
I think without distraction these areas can grow and grow and feed upon our BC vulnerabilities until they just swamp us!
I’m afraid I’m speaking from experience too.
So glad you decided to share your concerns here and have had some supportive care in response.
You take the very best of care of yourself this weekend and enjoy whatever is good around you, the sunshine, your brother’s company and the warmth people have shown you today. You deserve it all.
I know from personal experience how caring you can be.
This is our turn to care for you.
I think you need to ask yourself whether these friends gossipped in a malicious way in order to stir up trouble or whether they were concerned about you and thought that in their own way, speaking up about it would help. I know I have done that before when someone is really troubled and I have spoken to bosses etc to see what can be done.
Don’t jump to conclusions without good evidence that it was done to hurt you - I am sure it wasnt and now you have smoothed things over with your boss, you should be OK at work. Just remember that things you say may well get out, so the best thing to do is if something is absolutely confidential to be very careful about telling people.
I agree with Cathy that it sounds as though the friends that you are concerned about have probably just spoken to other people because they were concerned about you. You sound such a lovely caring lady that I can’t believe that anyone would be deliberatly uncaring to you…I hope thats the case anyway…I’m afraid that I am one of those women who mostly only see the good in other people and find it so hard when others let me down.
I am finally returning to work on a phased return at the start of May so will be taking a deep breath at the start of that week. I have decided to go in unofficially in a weeks time just for the morning so I can meet everyone and hopefully get the ‘how are you’ stuff out of the way. I can’t believe how nervous I am about going back to work. But on a good note I have been feeling a lot brighter and fitter the last two days…just have to hope that feeling lasts!
Esme What can I add to what all the other lovely ladies on here have said. I really do think that BC makes us ultra sensitive and more likely to get things out of proportion/perspective I certainly have found this and if you are short of sleep too that can just magnify things. Sounds like you might live on your own too? Hope you are able to get out in the lovely sunshine it really helps to lift the spirits. I have 2 particularly good friends, one started at my work place 3 months before my DX and the other came back to live in the town I live in after 10-12 yrs away and it turns out they both had BC 14 and 17 yrs ago and they have turned out to be the best mates a girl could have. They always know exactly what to say and are so supportive.I think we need to have positive people around us at a time like this.And also on this thread loads of ladies ready to support and encourage. Also my BCN is fantastic and stops me ‘spinning’ (out of control)so you might like to contact yours. Mine suggested I try relaxation/ visualisation/psychotherapy and I poo pooed the idea. But am now doing the first 2 and have had an assessment for the latter and an appt lined up. I might survive this physically but have been an emotional wreck and very prone to getting things out of proportion ( not that I think you are) but these things are really helping me as my confidence aand self-esteem have taken such a hit.There are lots of publications on the website and also from the Macmillan site that might help too. Do keep posting and let us know how you are LOL and hugs to you Esme and everyone.Jackie
Great to hear you felt like going out into the sun yesterday - hope you are doing the same today it’s beautiful up here. Good to hear you sounding better.
Hi Everyone,
Thank you again for all your support, I feel a lot better today. I’ve taken on board all the comments and advice that you lovely ladies have given me and am chewing over how to deal with the situation. I’ve realised, as many of you have said, that there was probably no malicious intent, just people not stopping to think about how things can be misconstrued. It so nice to know that you are all here in times of crisis.
I’m going out for a walk this afternoon with my son and Grandson so that will be fun and seeing my Grandson always brings home to me what is important in life.
I hope you are all having a lovely day.
Love Esme x
Dear Esme, so sorry you have had a difficult time. I too have experienced bullying at work and considered myself quite a strong assertive woman.
However, I was a “right wuss” when it happened to me, (although it wasn’t with a friend, just a colleague) and stood it for so long and then hid away and sobbed my heart out!
I did eventually tell my manager and she was (and still is) fantastic.
I was very dissapointed in myself as I would normally have asked the person what their problem with me was.
As has been said before, your friend may have mentioned things to your manager quite innocently and felt they were fighting your corner.
If you are really good friends I am sure that if you mentioned the way you feel it would relieve the tension. Easier said than done I know.
If you are still friends afterwards then you can all move forward and hopefully the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
Take care and I hope you manage to feel better soon.
Love and hugs, Debbie. xxx
Glad your feeling a bit better. Yeah grandchildren are a great joy. Ask at your local hospital sometimes there is a support group held there. They are good for meeting people in a similiar situatiuon. Feel free to private message me anytime as the lovely people on here all say a problem is better shared. We’ve probably all felt the same at some point during our treatment.