this will be my first xmas without my mum we lost her in july and i have two young children one of whom understands everything (she’s 8) and a 3 year old who seems to mention things about my mum just when i’m feeling most vulnerable! Myself, my husband and our children along with my father and my uncle will be visiting my father’s brother this xmas. it seemed the only way to get through xmas this year. each day as it gets closer i am filled with dread bacause the only thing i want to do is curl up in ball close the curtains and sit in a dark corner pretending it’s not happening because my mum should be with us. i don’t no who to talk to because my husbands mum had a stroke in august and my cousin who i am close to lost her father in law in october everyone else in my family was close to my mum and i feel like all i ever talk about to my friends is how i have lost my mum. the only time i let myself get upset is when everyone else is in bed. i just don’t no how i am going to get through xmas and on top of everything else the nursery phoned last week they have a space for my youngest, so now i’m losing her too. i think i’m just having a meltdown which is probably long overdue but i just wondered if anyone could give me any advice on how to get through this “festive season”
Dear nikki
I am sorry to read that you are feeling this way and would suggest that you may wish to call our helpline team for support and advice about where you can access further support to help you to manage the grief you are feeling for your Mum. Please be reassured that the feelings you describe are normal and many people find that Christmas is a particularly difficult time to get through when they have lost someone so close. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.
Kind regards
Lucy
Hello Sweetheart
I am currently undergoing treatment for BC. I lost my mum 9 years ago to the same nasty disease. She was 56 and my soulmate.
You’ve recently lost your mum and it’s so bloody unfair that the world is still turning and people are getting on with their lives and you are in turmoil. For the first christmas without mum, I forced myself into having the biggest one ever. Tried to celebrate in her memory. It was hard but I found the strength to get through and you will too. It will feel strange not to have her with you though.
You say you cry only when alone. I still cry at the most inconvenient times when I think of my mum. But I do it openly. The people who care for and love you need to know how you’re feeling so they can support you so please don’t bottle things up or they may make the assumption that you are ok when you’re not.
Since my diagnosis some very strange things have happened. One evening my Dad phoned me. He was feeling angry about what was happening to me. As he said to me “I’ve been to your mum’s grave today and told her she better be looking after our little girl”. As he said it, my TV turned itself offf and the remote was on the other sofa. The TV has never done that before! I am convinced that my mum is watching over me and I find great comfort in that.
It is very early days for you. They say time is a great healer. I don’t think it is. I think we just get use to that special person not being around anymore. It still hurts me like hell not to have my mum, especially when I need her with all that’s going on. But I assure you, you will come through this and things will get easier. Cry when you need to, talk about your mum to everyone and anyone, let people know how you are feeling.
Sending you a big hug and lots of love and strength.
Carly x
My heart goes out to you. Your grief is still very new and raw. I lost my mum in January to an unknown cancer, then was diagnosed myself with BC in February. Last Christmas was spent visiting my mum as she was dying. We had a small Christmas lunch with her in the nursing home where she spent her last few weeks, then came home and had our ‘proper’ Christmas lunch at tea time. It was a very strange day.
This year I am very aware that it will be difficult - not just the first one without her, but also thinking back to this time last year when she was still with us, in body if not mind (she had brain mets & became increasingly confused and never really knew what was going on) and we knew she didn’t have long.
I think you need to focus on your daughters so they enjoy Christmas, and maybe it will help you take your mind off your mum. Allocate a time in the day when you can think about her and talk to her quietly on your own, but try not to dwell on it the rest of the day. Your mum would want you to enjoy the day, and I’m sure she wouldn’t want it spoilt for her grandaughters.
It may help to keep yourself occupied. If you are having Christmas lunch at your uncle’s - can you offer to help?
I don’t think you ever get over the loss of a parent - you get used to it. I lost my dad 16 years ago, and can still cry over that on occasion.
You are not alone, there are many of us facing the first Christmas without our mums. I wish you all the best in this festive season and hope that the rest of your family will give you strength.
xx
Nikki
I lost my mum 4 years ago in April form cancer and then my dad six months later also from cancer. They both died within months of being diagnosed so it was all pretty sudden. So i faced christmas that year without both of them. We have always been a close family and it wasnt easy. I spent christmas with my daughters, both in there early twenties who were also very close to their grandparents. I thought i would never get through it but we always make a big thing about christmas in our family and we did the same that year. Both me and my daughters cried on christmas day because they werent there but we had each other for comfort. After we had all cried we tried to have a normal a christmas day as we could as i know thats what my mum and dad would have wanted.
Every single christmas since then me and my daughters have spent christmas day together (even though we all live seperatley) and still at some time in the day we all have a cry, usually together with a group hug but we can also talk about them now without it hurting as much.
I am curently having treatment for breast cancer myself and miss not having my parents for support but my daughters are very much there for me.
I agree with Carly dont hold your feelings back have a cry when you need one and let people know so they can comfort you.
Have a cry on christmas day, I know i will - again, but try and have a normal a chrsitmas as you can as it is a time for family and children and remember thats what you still have. Dont feel guilty about enjoying christmas because your mum isnt there as im sure she wouldnt want that for you or her grandchildren…
Ann xxx
My Mum has lived with bc for 23 years, It is metastatic and has now gone to her lung. She has just had her second dose of EC Chemo today and it’s just horrible not knowing what is going to happen. I am getting upset evryday, I also have a 4 month old baby and it really upsets me that she may not see her grow up. My Mum also has Lymphangitis I really feel for all of you that have lost your Mum and I can’t bear thinking about it.
Hi Holly01
Welcome to the Breast Cancer Care discussion forums. I am sure you will get lots of help and advice from the many informed users of this site.
If you feel you need some support please use the Breast Cancer Care helpline. Here you are able to talk to someone in confidence about your concerns and feelings about your Mum. The staff here are all either breast care nurses or people who have personal experience of breast care issues. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 the lines open Monday to Friday 9am - 5pm and Saturdays 9am - 2pm.
I hope this is of some help to you.
Kind regards
Sam
BCC Facilitator
Thanks for the info I will give them a call. I did speak with the Macmillan nurses yesterday.
Holly
I lost my mum in aug this year to breast cancer. This will also be my first xmas without my mum, it will feel so strange not having her around, but for some reason it really doesnt feel as if its going to be xmas, think its cos im still on a high from it being xmas and not realising that she wont be with us,
Instead of stayin at home, myself, dad and 2 older rother are spendin xmas away in a hotel and wen someone asked who was all coming i said “me my mum etc” … not realising i said mum!
Ahhhh sooo hard!
Miss my mum sooo much
Amiee 18
xxxxxx
Hello Holly I lost my mum a few years ago with cancer and I know what a difficult time this is for you. Do talk to your daughter about your mum. We tend to forget that they are grieving as well. You will remember good things and have happy memories and it doesnt matter if you cry. We understand about what has happened, but just think how confusing it is for your little girl.Remember your mother is always with you. Talk to her as you would do normally.Everything seems very dark at the moment but believe it that you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Pat
Hello
I dont really know why i felt the need to share this but im 33 years old and last week i went to the funeral of a very dear friend whom ive known since i was 17. She had battled with breast cancer for what would have been 3 years in january. She never once moaned and was truly the bravest woman ive known. I cant get my head round why a 36 year old with everything to live for should be so cruelly taken away from this life and should have had to suffer so much too. Im so angry as well as upset at the moment. Not only was she my friend but my colleague at the school we worked at too. The children had a rememberance assembley for her and i just couldnt attend i was so upset.I hope i will eventually stop being angry and will just enjoy the memories of all the good times we had, but i just think its so unfair. She had so much to live for. Her name was Kerry and i miss her so much.
Thank you for listening to my rant
x x 1 to 18 of 18
I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words, just knowing that so many other people are going through the same thing helps. It would have been my mum’s birthday on the 17th she would have been 58 so myself, my husband, my kids, my dad and one of mum’s sisters went out for a meal, it felt right to do something nice to mark the occasion and i’m sure she would be glad to know that we are finally making the trip to my uncle in weymouth (3rd time lucky). At the moment i realise that the best i can hope for this year is to get through christmas and anything else is a bonus. So merry christmas to everyone and I know that some how we will all get through it and maybe eventually enjoy it too!
Nikki xxxx
Just wanted to let everyone who left messages to know that we all got through xmas and whilst there were some sad moments for the most part we all enjoyed it. I think being somewhere different helped and as anyone with children will know xmas is all about them. We spent some of xmas day on the beach which was a novelty for us and whilst i’m sure all of us remembered mum we were still able to smile and enjoy the day which is what xmas should be about and if she was watching us i’m sure mum was smiling too. Happy new year to all of you x