Thanks Dawn, I looked at the thread and actually got a bit hot under the collar, as some of it was about criticising people for having their breasts “mutilated” when they didn’t need to through cosmetic surgery! I had to put my little comment in, basically about not judging other people until you have walked in their shoes, or at least know the full facts. I had many years of unhappiness with my body as I was so flat chested I never felt like a proper woman. The fact that it took me 39 years to do it shows I didn’t take the decision lightly (and I had to save up!!)…ooh I’ve got all cross again! Really shouldn’t get worked up about this stuff, who cares what other people think. Anyway I have said in my message that I would be interested in hearing about Michellej’s experience so thats good.
Lisa - I’m still here! I had the family over yesterday for dinner hence the no posts! We were supposed to be having a bbq but the rain/gales took care of that so we had a psuedo bbq inside the house instead! Nice to see everyone, but my parents were there and barely managing to contain their terror! Its so difficult, my mum was following me around like a puppy and I was having to put on a extra specially huge happy face for her. Not that I felt down yesterday, in fact we had quite a laugh but I can feel the tension from them - I just wanted to be myself having a nice time with my family and forget that I am a BC patient. Why is so much of this about other people? I know they are going through it alongside you but bloomin 'eck give me a break. If they aren’t expecting you to be in a constant emotional crying heap (as per your MIL Lisa!), you’re supposed to be all brave and stoical and fight the good fight without a murmur, you can’t win.
OOh I think that other post has got me all riled up! I’m not usually this angry honest! At least I can’t say I don’t feel anything any more though!!! Right then…calm happy thoughts…there you go.
Hope you are all ok, how are you coping with no more appointments Lisa? After I read that I thought about it a bit, and I can imagine it must be a bit of a weird sensation, as everything in BC terms is about getting to the next bit of the consultation/treatment etc. I wonder how you feel at the end of it all? Somewhat relieved and happy I would hope but still a bit directionless maybe?? Hmm anyway I will have plenty of time to think about it over the next few weeks I’m sure.
Helen xx
Hi Helen,
Glad to hear you are OK. My Mum is grand about the whole thing, she was cross with herself the day I got the results to say it was Grade 3 with 3/10 lymph nodes involved but she is fine now. I think because I get on with it she does too.
As for those posts about mutilation I suppose some feel like that after going through BC operations but I can see exactly where you are coming from too hunny. I can’t say I have that problem but if it has helped your self image then why the hell shouldn’t you get implants.
I have just printed off 5 application forms including for my own job, sounds more work than it is. It’s the same form for all of them I just had to adjust the address and reference number on each one. Fingers crossed I get at least one interview.
You will have to come join us in the Dew Drop Inn some night (chit-chat and fun forum), it’s a real hoot and some light hearted relief.
I am feeling a bit better about having no appointments as I know it won’t be long until the letter/phone call arrives. I am meeting lots of people for lunch/coffee etc and feel like such a fraud. I’ve seen about 4 or more of my pupils who know I am off and they look at me as if I should be there.
Right must go
Talk to you all soon
Lisa
Hi Lisa
How are things with you? Did you manage to get your applications all filled in? Its a bit rough having to apply for your own job, whilst you are going through all this though isn’t it? Still, life goes on all around you doesn’t it and I suppose you have no choice. What subject do you teach?
I am ok, am going for my surgery tomorrow so getting nervous now. I can feel the nervy tummy thing starting so am going to eat complete rubbish today as it probably won’t stay in there anyway! Thats a little warped really, and a poor excuse for eating junk food, but hey I’ve got 5 days of hospital food to face so I might as well have a little blow out! Am feeling scared about the surgery, but mostly the nodes/arm thing. I hope they don’t take them all as I don’t really want to have to cope with problems with my arm in the future, but I suppose if it gets rid of the nasty stuff then its a price to pay…you do what you have to do really dont you? They said they couldn’t do the sentinel node biopsy on me as I have two sites, one of which they couldn’t find with an ultrasound. Still not utterly convinced and think it depends on who/where your surgery is done, but have questioned it 3 times now and been told I am not a suitable candidate so there you go. Not looking forward to being in pain either (thats a stupid thing to say, no one is!), but having had my boobs done I know its probably going to hurt a lot - that was absolute agony for a couple of days, but soon got better so I know what to expect little bit.
Anyway, I may look in later on (I’m at work having a cheeky post in my lunch hour!), but if I don’t get the chance I’ll be back in a few days!
Take care
Helen xxx
Good luck Helen for tomorrow, sorry this is so late in the day.
To be honest I didn’t have much pain and a lot people have said the same.
I teach science 11-18 yr olds supposedly, sometimes its them teaching me a thing or 2.
You will be grand, my thoughts are with you hunny.
Lots of love and hugs
Lisa
xoxo
Helen
So you’re no longer feeling “nothing” then!! Hope you are feeling Ok, i haven’t been on for a couple of days and I am trying to catch up with everyone. I hope everything goes well for you and you will be back on soon filling us in on all the gorey details.
Lots of Love
AJxxx
HI honey,
Hope everything went well and you are keeping your chin up.
Lisa
xoxo
Hi Helen
hope you’re ok and everyhting went well
love and hugs
Bridie
Hi Helen -
Just read the whole thread and am thinking of you in that lovely comfy plastic covered bed with (hopefully enough) plastic covered pillows supporting you… by the time you get this you will be home and recovering…
I’m 3 weeks post surgery (Mastectomey (Mx) & recon of left side) and having physical ups and downs.
Emotionally, I’ve been so similar to you, and also I am a ‘get on with it and deal with it’ type of person. SO stoical that I have difficulty in being empathetic to others sometimes - I had 3 kids with no pain releif - I believed that it’s a case of ‘mind over matter’ and I was right FOR ME. - I’m also a midwife though and know that not everyone’s capeable of that.
My friends are all waiting for me to fall apart - I shan’t. I have BC, and i will carry on dealing with it. I have no intention of dying, but if I get to that point because of the BC then I shall deal with that too. As so many kids say when you challenge them about smoking ’ gotta die of something…’ !!
Look after yourself, and if things change and it becomes tough emotionally, let people know and seek help… and DON’T say no to any help offered - you never know how you will feel tomorrow…
Big love Td xx
Hi Everyone
Thanks very much for your good wishes - am back in the “real” world (well sort of!), got out of hospital on Wednesday after 5 days. You are right Lisa, I really haven’t had that much pain, just the odd twinge and feel a bit achey and stiff but otherwise ok. Although I am looking at my wound now and it looks a bit weepy so might give the hospital a ring. Its funny how you are desperate to get out of hospital, but when they chuck you out you feel a bit bereft and like your safety blanket has gone! I’m sure its fine tho.Hospital wasnt too bad, the care I received was fantastic (from the nurses anyway), what an incredible set of people. I will never complain about the NHS again. Had a bit of a water infection in hospital too, so felt a bit “away with the fairies” some of the time, which probably helped make the experience a bit more bearable!
Td - I’m so glad I posted all of this originally, as it was such a relief to know that other people were dealing with it the same way as me. I have to say I did have a wobble in the hospital, not after I saw my scar which is when I thought I might get emotional, but when they removed one of the drains. As you all know its a weird sensation and I felt a bit peculiar afterwards - the nurse went to get me a glass of water and I just started to cry and couldn’t stop! When she came back I just said “This is really crap and I don’t want to do it any more” and blubbed on her shoulder for 5 minutes. After that I was ok though, back to just getting on with it. I tell you what though, you are right about the bed! The hospital I was in has brand new electric beds with memory foam mattresses and they were SOOO comfortable. I usually fidget a lot in bed, but once I had got comfortable I never moved. I thought about trying to smuggle one out with me, but didn’t think I would be able to distract the nurses for long enough! I have now told my OH that we have got to have a memory foam mattress topper at least and he’s berating me for wanting to start shopping again so soon!
Onto slightly more serious concerns - for those of you who have had a mastectomy and no reconstruction, how on earth do you come to terms with it? I know I’m only a week post op, but every time I look at the huge scar across my chest and wear the big bra with the horrible “softie” thing they give you I keep thinking “I can’t do this for another year”. I know I have to, but having been in a hospital ward where out of the 12 people there, only 2 had mastectomies and the other person had an immediate reconstruction I can’t help but think “why me?” - not from a self pitying point of view but I can’t determine what was so different about the other person that made her treatment so different from mine other than she had a female surgeon. I’m going to have to challenge my surgeon about it - although I know its a horse/stable door situation now - as I feel that he didn’t give me all the facts and choices so that I could make an informed decision. I feel really angry about it, and to be honest I don’t have the energy to spare to be pointlessly angry at the moment. I have my appointment on Tuesday for my results, so I will ask him then.
Right rant over! Am going to get a cup of coffee (real coffee not hospital psuedo coffee!), see you all soon, and thanks again for the good wishes.
Helen xx
Glad you’re back Helen!
my recon is a ‘partial recon’ as I couldn’t have my implant until all my chemo & rads is over. Other things that dictate whether a recon is appropriate are things like size of bosom originally, site and grade of cancer, size of you (thinner people have more trouble as there is less tissue to play with) and experience of the surgeon - you have to work with what the surgeon knows. My surgeon only does LD flap recon, so that’s what I had although a Dieppe would probably have been more appropriate as I could’ve had the whole thing done in one go… ,maybe your surgeon isn’t an expert; you could’ve asked for someone who could have done it if that is the case, but you then get time factored in for a referra which again may not be possible… as you say, ‘horses & stable doors…’
I feel very lucky that when I look down I have a round of fake boobie at the cleavage edge, and I would’ve found it much more difficult had I had to cope with what you’re going throug. Did you see Gok doing Look Good Naked with Katie who’d had a mastectomy?? It showed what is possible when things settle down (which will take about a month only!) regarding full cup bras and prosthesis - when you get your ‘proper’ fakie it’ll help as it’s weighted and will stay in place more - I’m sure loads of ladies will post you about this… it’s a really important part of feeling and looking good… 19966ruby has just has a mx - she’s shopping for clothes in Wallis - look out for her thread…
Remember to rest loads this week - plently of time for 'getting on with things over the next month!
love Td x
Hey hey hey Helen,
Glad to see you are back in the real world.
I am so glad you aren’t feeling too bad and that your spirits are still relatively high. I had a blip this week too, I got my appt through for the onc and I was just so annoyed, the last 2 weeks since my last surgery have been relatively normal and I’ve been able to do everything I want. I had that feeling of not wanting to go through this anymore, I have had enough and I haven’t even started. Then I read the threads on here and I soon pulled my head back out of my ass. I am lucky compared to some people. So I am now back to the old ‘BRING IT ON’ way of thinking again lol.
Hiya Td, you doing OK?
Loads of love
Lisa
xoxo
Hi everyone, I just wanted to thank Lucy (BCC facilitator) for the webpage to Fluffybunny as I have now ordered this for myself. I am a newcomer of 2 days!! and find this site an excellant way of speaking what I am feeling to thise who appreciate and can fully understand. I also want to thank Fluffy bunny for asking what OH was - I thought own husband or something!!
I have a small son of 7 and my husband told him on Monday night that mummy has a lump and needs medicine in hospital and surgery. I could not have done that part as I would have cried ( I have not cried for a while now) but have been able to answer his questions such as “can I see it”. I will explain more to him once I have had my MRI scan and seen the consultant again. It seems to be taken ages as I was diagnosed on the 19th May and scan is on Mon and see onc on 17th June.
Hope you all have a good day
Love sharon2
Hello Sharon again,
Yeah this whole thing is all about waiting. From my dx things went fast, 2 weeks to surgery then 2 weeks to 2nd surgery but then I’ve had to wait 2 weeks for appointment for onc and it has been the longest 2 weeks ever, now I have the appt I know chemo is next so will cross that bridge on mon when it comes,
I have 3 kids, 2 boys aged 11 and 8 and a little girl who’s 2. We told the boys a couple of days after my dx and they have been great. The eldest is very supportive of the cancer, stroppy wee git all the other times lol. But they deal with it in their own way I suppose.
Keep your chin up
Lisa
xoxo
Hi Leeloo,
thanks ever so much for your words of support. I agree that the best thing to do is take 1 stage at a time. I have the MRI scan on Monday and see the onc the following week and then we go from there. It is hard at times to remember I have cancer as i feel quite normal, whatever normal is apart from being tired in the evenings. Once treatment starts I think that will be a different story and a constant reminder.
Have a good evening
Sharon xxx
Hello all, especially to you Sharon as a newcomer. Its a bit scary posting your first comments, if you’re anything like me you’ll have read quite a lot of the discussions over a few days/weeks and then decided to join in! But welcome and as all the others have said you will find a lot of support here - there’s nothing like sharing your feelings with those who truly know what you are going through. My children are quite grown up (21 and 18) so my issues with telling them must have been different from yours as they understand the implications very well - how much do you think your son understands? I suppose like most children of that age they live very much in the moment and maybe it won’t affect him too much unless you are obviously a bit off colour. All you can do is reassure him really isn’t it and answer any questions. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have to deal with young children though - there seem to be lots of ladies with young children on these forums though so I’m sure you will get loads of support. I also agree with Lisa about taking one stage at a time, I went a bit mad when first dx and read absolutely everything I could get my hands on about every stage of the disease and treatment - and all I succeeding in doing was scaring myself a bit (well a lot actually)! Just deal with the bit you are faced with and learn as much about that as you can so you are equipped to make the decisions that you may have to and know what to ask. After all, information is power! I totally agree with what you are saying about feeling normal too, its really hard to take in that you have a serious illness because you don’t really feel ill at all (maybe only through the stress of your dx). When treatment starts though it does all come into focus much more clearly, especially the surgery as it is a physical representation of what is happening to you. You will be ok though, we females have more strength than we imagine and you can always come on here and have a good old rant as well!
Lisa its good that you have got your onc appointment now, as you rightly say its the constant waiting that really gets to you sometimes. I seem to have spent all my time since the end of April waiting for something or another and feeling a bit out of control because of it. Never mind, my next bit of waiting will be over on Tuesday when I get my pathology report and can be clear about what is next. But you are also right in that the pockets of time between appointments or bits of treatment are a chance to think about other things and get back to “normal” (whatever that is!) for a while. It kind of irritates you when you have to get back to the job in hand i.e. kicking the a*s of cancer! Still the sooner you start the sooner you will be done. Do you know what chemo you are having yet, or will that be up for discussion with the oncologist? I really have no idea whats out there, well I do a bit as I did some research (see above!), but gave myself a talking to and stopped as I hadn’t even had surgery then.
Td - yes I did see the Gok Wan episode with Katie, and probably like everyone else wept with joy at how utterly fabulous she looked. And more to the point, how she now BELIEVED that she was utterly fabulous! I also think you are 100% right about the proper prothesis, I have seen one and they are on a whole different planet than the thing I’ve got stuffing my bra at the moment. It has taken me back to my teenage years though, when I used to stuff my bra and then spend the entire time worrying that it might fall out in the most mortifying way, so not really enjoying myself! I did stop stuffing in the end, and it didn’t seem to make a lot of difference to my pulling power (at that time quite good!), so its very true what they say about inner confidence. I never did feel truly confident though, hence the decision much later in my life to buy some boobies as by 39 I figured I wasn’t going to grow any of my own!
Right, am off to watch Dr. Who now (yes my life is one long whirl of excitement), and take some painkillers as the dreaded exercises beckon! Actually I’m not finding the exercises too bad, but I have to dose myself up first!
See you all later H xxxxx
Hi fluffybunny
I have’nt seen your post before but i have just sat hear and read throught it all’’
and i’m glad you are getting through this …i was dx on the 2nd 0f may and i have had 2 opp since then, last one being on the 4th june when i had a mastectomy and i would’nt look at it till the next day …i didnt cry untill my husband came in and i showed him that was when i cryed and it was load.
i have to wait a year befor i can have recon and as i seen what you put …how can you go on for a year like that???
but how i look at it is im glad i will be hear for another year…
and when you said about the bra and the nice spung you get . i must admit me and my bc did have a little laugh when i was trying on the bra and the spung but it did make me feel a little better walking out the hospital with what looked a pair and not just one.
i must admit im in a lot of diss comfort and my neck kills me did you find that helen ???
and walking like a hunch back…
any way take care hope to hear from you
sal x
Glad you are both getting fitter each day and you are feeling a little better too.
Helen - I haven’t been told anything really about my chemo. The BCN said the norm is 6 sessions, 3 weeks apart then a break then 5 weeks of rads 5 days a week and then I’ll be oon tamoixfen for 5 years. Until I see my onc on Monday I won’t know if this is how it will be for me and also what chemo I am to have. I haven’t done much research about that bit yet. I’ll have a wee nosey tonight and see what the craic is.
I hope you get the results you are hoping for on Tuesday, not too long left to wait. Mind you I am finding the last couple of days have dragged in lol.
Sal - I’d speak to the BCN about your neck, she might get you in to see the physio.
I am feeling great at the mo about it all, read through the chemo threads and have drawn up a shopping list of things to buy before it starts. Also checked out the buff website, which funnily enough my son bought himself 1 a couple of weeks ago, so we had fun this afternoon trying the different ways you can wear them. I bought 3 more, plain navy, navy with fine white dots and an icy green one (hard to explain) so at least if my hair falls out I’ll have them in the mean time.
Right have to go, there is an Irish night in the DDI ladies if you fancy a whirl around the dance floor and if that’s too much like hard work we have green guiness on tap.
Take care
Lisa
xoxo
Hi Leeloo,
Sorry to bother you but what is the buff site? I imagine it to be a site for head scarves. Also I would be interested to know what is on your list before chemo starts - just to pick your brains really as I think I may be starting chemo first.
Love sharon2 xx
Hi fluffybunny,
Just responding to your question on how Jack aged 7 took my news. Well, OH explained it to him in very simple language and he said ok and carried on playing with his pet hamsters. He lare came and asked me if he could see the lump so I let him feel it to make it real, and everynow and then he asks questions so I am as honest as I can be. He does not appear to be too bothered at the moment but perhaps once I start treatment there may be more questions particullalry if I am not well or worse, lose my hair!!!
Love Sharon2 xx
Hello All
Well its a beautiful morning here in Leicestershire hope you are all well this morning not too many aches and pains and twinges! Hi Sharon -hope you are ok and your boy didn’t wake you up too early (fat chance eh?!) thats the joy of having older children its getting them up thats the problem not persuading them to stay in bed a bit longer. I also am curious about this “buff site” like yourself can only imagine its headwear, so I await the reply with interest.
Hi Sal nice to hear from you. You seem to be in a similar position to me then looks like we were dx within a few days of each other. I am actually getting used to looking at the scar now and don’t feel so freaked out by it, in fact this morning I havent bothered putting my bra on and dont really care that I am extremely lop sided! I agree that it just “evens you up” when you have your clothes on and I don’t think they are really meant to make you feel like you’ve got a boob hopefully the proper prothesis will feel a bit more “real”. I’m not in too much discomfort and my neck isn’t too bad, its my armpit that is really giving me some pain at the moment, but I had my op a few days before you and looking back I feel much better now than I did 4 or 5 days ago, so maybe you will feel better soon. Although thinking about it my neck did hurt a bit to begin with, but I think thats because I was holding my arm in quite a tense way and once I made a conscious effort to relax it started to feel a bit better. I agree with Lisa have a word with your BCN she might be able to suggest something and its always best to get it checked out.
Lisa - What is the DDI? I have seen other threads with this mentioned but can’t seem to discover what it is! Its probably just me being thick again but my brain does appear to have slowed down quite a bit recently - I’m putting it down to the stress and strongly believe it has nothing to do with my age!
I went out yesterday with my sister for my first proper outing since going into hospital, to the garden centre to buy some plants and it was really strange to be out! It was really nice though and there’s nothing like a bit of therapeutic gardening to feel better - I am going to plant up my garden containers this afternoon with help of my lovely garden assistant (OH), but he is a bit reluctant as there is motorbike racing on most of the afternoon. If he objects too much I’ll just look a bit sad and wince a bit when I move my arm! I usually try not to resort to emotional blackmail but hey sometimes you’ve got to use what you can!
Right, the compost beckons see you all later. H xx