I had my mx four weeks ago and whilst I can say I have not fully come to terms with it, do feel that I am dealing with the new me well. I can now look at my scar and it reminds me that I had cancer and now I don’t. If my breast was there I would still have a sense of fear about the lump. I do miss my natural shape and had a little cry watching ‘How to Look Good Naked’. Basically I was jealous of the woman on it being made to feel good about her cleavage. For me a cleavage is a really sensual image and I often wore clothes to show mine. I have shown my husband my new body and he is amazing. I can dress and undress in front of him. For me the cancer may have been in me, but it has affected everyone around me. I didn’t want my husband to be made to wait in the waiting room at the hospital, Both of us need to be together if we are are understand and deal with the situation we are in. I am about to start my chemo, and so I am much more concerned with my image throughtout this. For me this is a more immediate concern and I am spending a fortune on make-up, eye lashes, moisurisers etc at the minute. No one can tell I am wearing a fake breast, but everyone will see me going through chemo. I want to look healthy and show others that I am okay.
Dear eileen101, re your question, I am having my reconstruction later in the year and initially had tissue expanders. This was not my choice but at the time, my plastic surgeon said that with tissue expanders in, whatever chemo throws at you there is still almost always an opportunity to choose which ever reconstruction you want at any time post chemo. Whilst I really dislike the prosthesis, I do see the sense in this. I think I will be able to make a clearer decision even though I am still uncertain about which direction to go. I did want to get the recon over and done with at the time and do still partly wish I had. I suppose what I am trying to say is there are pro’s and cons with every option. I have heard of a “body lift” flap reconstruction- am trying to find out more but apparently lack of abdominal fat does not rule out a “natural” reconstruction.
Hi I would just like to echo Mrs B’s post re: makeup etc. I have never really bothered much with make up in the past - being a busy mum of two and a full time childminder getting covered in playdo and paint etc - it hardly seemed worthwhile to put make up on and also I never had the time. Now, EVERY appointnment I have I put all my warpaint on - foundation, blusher, eyeliner, mascara, lipstick the works! I also keep my nails painted. I can’t do anything about my hair as it is still growing back (and grey!) from chemo. But I make an extra effort with my appearance everytime I go up to the hospital. For me it was really important that the clinicians saw me as a “person”, a vibrant person who cared about herself and her appearance. Even through all the chemo and feeling as sick as a dog, I made an effort. My reasoning behind this - if they see I am a person, not a thing or a number on a list, they will make sure they look after me because I want to live and I want them to see that. It may not make any difference to the treatment I receieve but it makes me feel slightly better about myself. I may have cancer. I may be half bald. I may have put on weight and feel diseased. I may have lost bits of me. But I am still me! A young vibrant woman, with a life and a husband and children! And you better fix me - or else!!! It is the only thing I can control at the moment, That is the worst thing about this - you have no control over anything. So at least I can do one thing to make myself feel better.
I have been very down about my experience with having a mastecomy, I’m 21 and was diagonised with BC last August and had my operation with my reconcructive surgery on the 5th of september. After the operation i had mutliple problems with the implant and in the end my body rejected it to which they made the decision to have it taken out as i needed to go on to chemo. At first i honestly thought i would be fine losing my breast and for the couple of months i had the implant i was coping really well untill they gave me the bad news that my body was rejecting the implant, i had the surgery where they used a muscle from my back to cover the implant so i was told i was going to be left with a sack of skin with a hanging muscle there! Needless to say when i woke up after the operation i was not happy to see what was left, As i orginally had a big bust, the size difference is now very drastic and i feel a bit of a freak when i look down. In November i finally went for chemo and am thankful to say my last chemo was on the 6th march 2013 and glad i am out the other side but i still have this “sack of skin” and i feel it has hurt the way i see my body now, although it is filling with fluid and evening out to my other breast i still find that i’m going out of my way to wear baggy tops just to hide it. I’m due to see my consultant in April and hoping that i can have a reconstruction soon so i can feel normal again.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this thread - your input is really helpful. My colleague Lizzie is also looking for quotes and stories to illustrate a policy report on body image, and for a revised edition of our information booklet on sexuality, intimacy and breast cancer. If you would like to contribute to either of these, please email Lizzie at campaigns@breastcancercare.org.uk and she will send you a short questionnaire to fill in. Thanks again and please do continue to post here or email me about your experiences and anything you have found helpful in regaining body confidence after treatment. I’m at clare.kemsley@breastcancercare.org.uk
Many thanks
Clare
Hi,
It’s a long time since I posted here but I still pop in now and again. This thread seems quite relevant to where I am with my life at the moment though.
I am now 55. I was diagnosed four years ago and had chemotherapy followed by right mx and 5 weeks rads. I have never been too bothered about having the mx as I would rather that than the alternative! The thing that makes this relevant however is that I have always said I would like my left breast removed as a risk reducing proceedure. I saw my oncologist on Monday to discuss this and she said that by having the proceedure it can reduce the risk of getting BC back by 95%!
For me personally this far outways the risk of keeping one breast (which I think looks daft anyway!). The way I feel is that my breasts are no good to me dead and I have two lovely Sons and three beautiful Grandchildren who I desparately want to have many years with. I am lucky that my partner is very supportive and he still finds me sexually attractive. Since the mastectomy I always keep my top on in bed but the way I feel is that this is how my body is now, and if he didn’t like it it would just be too bad! I hope that doesn’t sound selfish but the most important thing for me is to be here and to be healthy.
I hope I will still feel this way after my risk reducing surgery, but I am pretty sure I will!
I knew a girl years ago who was swayed by her Husband’s horror of her having a mastectomy and opted not to go down this route, even though it was advised, sadly she did not survive her cancer. Of course it is important to feel good about yourself, but I just can’t feel sentimental about something that might kill me. I still do my hair and make up and although it’s changed things I find clothes that I like and I am just determined to enjoy my life.
I remember how I felt four years ago when I was going through my treatment and just trying to get my head round the fact that I had cancer, and I know I’ve come on in leaps and bounds. I was REALLY depressed at one point, but that wasn’t about my body image, just the whole cancer thing. Losing my hair really upset me at first. I have always been very fussy about my hair, even as a child! But in the end I even felt liberated by that, because I suddenly realised that I wasn’t having to spend forever getting it exactly right before I left the house!
When I was diagnosed I really thought I’d been given a death sentence and could not have believed that I would still be here four years on. So here I am with one boob and hopefully soon to become boobless but I am alive and soooo happy about that!
Love to everyone
Esme xx
Hi
For me body image has come in waves. Before all this kicked off I had faced wearing glasses all the time and having to have a denture and both had been big things at the time that took time to get used to. I never had body beautiful, and never have been big on clothes or the such.
The mountains I have climbed through BC though have been much bigger. I made a list of what I hated about it then broke it down into what I could control or change and what I couldn’t. I decided to concentrate on what I could do something about, not what I couldn’t.
The mx I had in June 2012 was the first issue, I guess. I was more worried about the reaction of others. Partner didn’t cope with it too well which didn’t help. It didn’t look how I expected and still doesnt. There are lumps, bumps, dog ears and dimples - bit of a moonscape! The physical sewing up scar, as they keep saying, is great - it is what the rest is like that isnt! I just keep reminding myself why it was done - that helps. A year on I am used to it. What I hate is the prosthesis. I dont want reconstruction - it wont be the same anyway and I have had enough of it all really. I dont like being lopsided and am going to ask if I can have the other breast removed. Then I wouldn’t need the prothesis everday, wouldn’t need the discomfort of a bra and wouldnt have to worry about bending down and the “blob” as I call it showing or, as happened when gardening, falling out.
Chemo was the other journey. Only temporary I told myself, but 4 months later …
I shaved my hair off as soon as it started to fall out. Many remarked how good it looked but that didnt help. Got out my “free” wig to find the one delivered didnt fit and looked awful in colour. That was a big thing and toys got royally thrown. OH whisked me off to a proper wig shop and spent money we could ill afford on a replacement and I love him for that. I could go out again with out feeling everyone knew. Dont get me wrong, people were great but it was good to be part of the wallpaper again. Now there is enough of my own very grey hair to stop wearing it and it feels good. My autistic grandaoughter helped through the hair crisis. The world in Lillyland is so simple. She described my lack of locks as me having a sensual head. She then said it would be interesting to watch it grow back, and how right she was!
The loss of eyebrows and lashes was not so easy. I went to a Look Good Feel Good workshop and they made me look great. Got home and couldn’t replicate it at all. i guess it didnt matter too much because at that point chemo had knocked me out to the point I just didnt care anymore. Now they are back. I cant bring myself to pluck them, I love them!
Nails are a current battle. They look like I have chewed them off and just as I think I can paint again they flake away. I am told that is Herceptin, as I am on that til Oct another long wait I guess.
Hands and feet and neuropathy - I struggle with grip somedays so note taking can be hard. Somedays I cant bear the feel of socks and my toes feel numb others. Another wait I am told. I feel very self concious about this at work.
The other scar I have is following a leakage of Docetaxel from the vein in my wrist. This has left a three inch black or purple streak about half an inch wide up my wrist. A bit like you see on junkies arms. I am considering a pink ribbon tatoo further down the line as I am told it probably wont heal. Currently it is hidden by sleeves but I will have to come up with something when the weather improves!
So what has helped?
- A lack of concern about how I looked to a point to start with was a good starting point.
- A self image that was more about what I believed and could do than what I looked like.
- Knowledge that this was done to save my life.
- An understanding and loving family.
- A grandaughter whose simple thought processes put everything into perspective and whose outspokenness made sure you know what she thinks.
- Humour
- Knowing that some of it is only temporary.
- Stubborn refusal to just dwell on what cant be but accept what is and make the best of it.
I joke with my OH that I am half the woman I was when he met me - glasses, false teeth, false boob! Actually, I am a much stronger woman than he first met. I have found an inner strength I didnt know I had. I do have crisis of confidence (like going out in a group, like being at my daughters wedding 3 weeks after my last treatment but trying to look like every other mother of the bride, like returning to work) but I shake myself, talk to those round me and say “what the hell!”. I have delivered many body image workshops in my career to teenage girls. I guess I have replicated the skills on myself as time has gone on.
Hardest journey I have ever started but I have met some fabulous people, been reminded how wonderful others can be, learned a new perspective. With positives like that, it will have been a worthy experience.
Good luck to all. We are strong and beautiful people.