Still none the wiser

[Jojo1447]

Hi Bluecat

I know exactly how you feel.

I am the kind of person who has to deal with my own problems, face them and come to terms with them.

I kept this to myself for some time, the day I went for the tests was all very fast moving, examination, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy and back to speak to doc all within an hour.  That final conversation with the doctor was aweful, he was very abrupt and basically said they were pretty sure it was cancer but he would see me in a week to confirm.

I can't say I actually felt anything at that point.  I sat in the car thinking crap, I better tell my sister then, that's when it became real.

Following week sister came to appointment I was adamant I did not want that doctor, but he was lovely this time and explained everything and had all the facts and treatment plan set and had had a meeting that morning to tailor my treatment plan.

I've just had my first round of chemo today, early days I know but so far so good.

You deal with it, whats best for you hun, you're on the rollercoaster of emotions take one day as it comes and do what you have to....if that's scream, scream loud, if its hitting something buy a punchbag don't advise the wall or your husband!!!

Take care and come back and update us all soon

Thinking about you all 

Jojo xx

[Evie-S]

Hi Bluecat - thank you for your lovely words, that’s very kind of you. You too have given amazing support already to lots of ladies at the same stage.

You are doing a brilliant job dealing with this in your way, and you are so right about feeling like you are in a parallel universe. I think I still feel like that!

Do keep us posted - but only if you feel like it. As always, we are all here to chat or listen when you need. Xx

[Bluecat]

Bless you Evie, no offence caused at all 💗 i knew what you meant! I love reading your replies  along with Jan, you both really are amazing what you do and the support is fantastic that you provide.  but half of it is getting yourself to the position you need to be in and facing those fears, im not quite ready, but im getting there slowly! 

I know i will ponder over the envelope and obsess over that when it finally arrives!! Nothing is ever simple but I would rather that than be in a room full of people plus a mac millan nurse....no way, cannot do that.  Im so fearful of anything like that....it really has to be be on my terms....

Well, think you can safely say, at least im honest on here, emotions are raw and this is what its like for anyone experiencing mental torture of not knowing results from previous threads or not wanting to know and rather live in denial.  

Im sure I will go through an acceptance phase once I know.  

My husband said to me that they do not enjoy telling people everyday that they have cancer, they just are doing their job and getting on with it snd thst im not anything special so just go  get treatment and deal with it, easier said than done from the person who hadn't had a triple biopsy!! 

Even though, I can openly talk about my feelings on here, it does feel strange talking about something you dont know if you have or not.  Its like being in a parallel universe...what journey will I be on, where it will take me etc...

I will keep you posted anyway xx

[Evie-S]

Hi Bluecat - I’m so sorry if my message came across as commenting on how open/or not you are. It’s hard on messages to come across the right way sometimes - I was meaning to say that I think it’s good that you knew when you needed to take a break the other day and other times when it helps you to chat. It’s great to feel able to say whatever you want on here, that’s the beauty of it being anonymous. Sometimes it’s hard to open up to family and friends. Though it is good to have someone close to give us a reality check - my husband does that to me when I start going off down the rabbit hole!!

I hope your son feels like he’s done a good job with his 11+.

Evie xx

[Bluecat]

Thanks Evie, yes its not the first time someone has said to me im quite open about my life and what goes on lol...

I can understand the chair escape completely...like you say we all have our own way and our own path of being told, i know ive kicked up a fuss, but i wouldn't have it any other way!! 

I think trying to get my head around idea of being told I have shingles, next minute possibly cancer just doesn't compute, its not quite what I had in mind!! But then no one does.  In a way i feel cheated because you cannot feel calcifications, there is no other symptom at all other than a weird prickly sensation when you touch it or clothes or bed linen touches it, it feels like a thorn which is in a completely different place to the calfications! Basically im trying to say I know my boobs well enough to know there is no lump snd the clinician couldnt feel anything either and her touch was far lighter...i use alot of tanning lotion and i knew if something wasn't right...

If it turns out to be cancer, then im glad my body was giving me some kind of indication..

If it isn't and totally unrelated, it hasn't solved the prickling thorn feeling...

It will be interesting what comes through the post...its a shame as I would have picked it up personally from the hospital!! No one ever thinks outside the box... but then my hubby thinks no one is as weird as me either lol...my hubby does give me a reality check as does regularly say the world does not revolve around Bluecat every day 🤣 ... 

Xx

[Evie-S]

Hi Bluecat - best wishes to your son too for his 11 plus, and I agree with Jan and admire that you have focussed on him while you have your own issues going on. I also agree that it’s time for you to give yourself some kindness.

Well done for dealing with the hospital appointment in your own way. You haven’t blown things out of proportion and they won’t have marked you as a “red sticker” patient, as they will have dealt with lots of others exactly like you (me too), scared and handling things in their own way, the best way for them. 

Jan has admitted she was scared. I too was scared and tried to escape from the chemo chair.

I also admire that you know when to come on here and offload, and when you need a break. We are all here for you when you need. 🤗🤗 Evie xx

[Bluecat]

My son is sitting his 11 plus right now!! Plus i grew a pair to ring up and and apparently they did try to call me, but I didn't get any calls, my phone was stuck to me like glue!!  so not sure what happened, so the consultants secretary is putting biopsy results in writing.  I am so much happier now it will be in the post.  Just knowing I may need treatments in writing is so much easier for me to deal with rather than a person ive never met potentially saying I will need treatment...

I know its not for everyone getting results this way... but for me its a huge difference to my well being. i had a cry on phone to one of the ladies i spoke too and said i truly cannot deal with this anymore, but they were already going to respond by writing i think anyway, I obviously have my file stamped red!! 

I know i will be obsessing with the post but its made me feel so much calmer and better. 

I know i won't be able to open the envelope straight away and I will be looking at it for ages  analysing the size and content....They had better not put any leaflets in the envelope as they will be going in the bin!! 

If I am privileged to live life to the full I feel sorry for my son having to chose my nursing home!! Needless to say thats a long way off hopefully! 

I am going to try and enjoy the rest of the day xx

[Bluecat]

morning Jan, thanks for the reply, I think ironically being told will be the hardest part, yes im in denial right now.  

I suspect they will send me a new appointment letter.  But equally i don't care about nhs policies or procedures, this is my body, my feelings and how I receive information is up to me and i will fight back if they tell me otherwise!! My hubby thinks im blowing this out of proportion, but then he knows what im like...i will need to be sedated! but if this is how i deal with it  then so be it....If im being honest I felt like they were hounding me with all the letters and appointments and I was taking it personally, I will only play along so far. 

Unless im darted with an elephant tranquilliser I really do not know how they are going to deal with me.  All I really want is just something in writing and thats it.  Im not having someone get to tell me and actually have it at the same time, thats not happening, because I will fall out with people very easily.  My hubby thinks im mad, he said im just a number they don't care and I just need the treatment and get it sorted.  Im even happy if they say its early stages and need just radiotherapy but I don't think that's going to happen, I have an awful feeling its been festering for years and its invassive, I think the prickling sensation is just a seperate issue and this is just found on the off chance. 

There is no right or wrong answer about this...i am the worst patient in the world, I am one of those that will need a red sticker " please treat with caution"!! 

I dont like being controlled, i know they are trying to help and could be saving my life but thst still does not help me.  Nothing helps.  Counselling, nothing will help....its how i am and always will be. 

Its my sons important day and thats all that matters, he is so much braver than me.  Xx

[Jaybro]

Hi Bluecat

You’re on an emotional rollercoaster but it’s really not going to help you by being so harsh about yourself. Whatever your emotions, they are natural and they are yours. They aren’t measured against anyone else. So I would advise you to be a little kinder to yourself. It’s good that you can recognise you’re now angry (nothing wrong with that - they let you down) but that’s exhausting, emotionally and physically.

So you couldn’t face going back to the consultant. Is that any different from my needing to be shown around the chemo suite before I’d agree to chemo and extracting promises that there would be anti-emetics by the billion as well as a mild sedative so I wouldn’t do a runner? I am proud of how I was open about my needs at a very vulnerable time and proud of how I got through.

Despite all the advertising clichés, this is not a battle, with the brave gaining medals and the cowards getting their just desserts. This is an experience we all get through in our own ways. This is also a curable disease. You claim to know all there is to know but you haven’t factored in all the positives, let alone the fact that you don’t yet know your diagnosis. 

I admire how you’ve been able to put your son’s need for a stress-free evening above your own needs. Maybe you could be as considerate of yourself too? 

Take care,

Jan x

[Shi]

Bluecat no apologies needed you do everything your own way what’s right for you and if you need breast cancer now 👭❤️ It’s here for you. 💕💕✨✨Shi xx

[Bluecat]

hi, 

Sorry not been on here, I needed time out.  I couldn't face attending my appointment so the NHS agreed that the consultant would ring me today at the same time as the appointment  low and behold no call.  We called and no one free on phone to pick up.  I have made a complaint as I arranged this a couple of days ago.  Im sorry for those who are braver than me but I will not face anyone under any circumstances that I possibly have cancer, regardless of treatment plans, I know the lingo, done all the research written it all down, I understand how it all works, I think i could pass with a bloody diploma. 

My son is taking his 11 plus tomorrow ( parked my birthday)  I need to pull myself out of this emotiional hell hole and be there for him tonight rather than drown my sorrows knowing what I have to face....so at least I'm not going to know for the time being which is what I need.

I think I've done my grieving and now entering in the angry phase! 

I am a coward but equally i dont care!! 

Thank you for anyone thats supported me i didn't not want to say goodbye, maybe when I find out the results I will be brave and let you all know...