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Family frustrations

11 REPLIES 11
Amandamagnus
Member

Re: Family frustrations

As you can see, some shared experiences out there. As illustrated by the above post, I truly believe that the best way to look after yourself is to avoid angry conflict at all costs... This next bit may sound a cop out, but, one way to achieving this is to lower your expectations of others. so... Don't expect your son to dump his girlfriend or grow up any time soon...Hope this helps...
applestreet
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Hi..I was going to reply to you earlier but..I was so angry when I read your post I thought it best to leave this alone..YOU are the one who is important in this situation..your health is paramount at the moment..YOU need to have time to deal with the treatment and all the se's that go with it...I know how this situation feels..I have had it with both of my children a few years ago and I wasn't dx then..but the stress of all of it was v detremental to my health..it led to a breakdown..of my mind and body culminating in my dx of BC..there was a lot of factors in my situation..to long to go into but one of them was my son's then girlfriend..she caused a lot of trouble and like yourself and your son we rowed..she was difficult, rude..I could go on and on..we ended up not speaking and he married her...that was a disaster...my daughter took his side and we fell out..it took a 3 yrs of patience and tact..walking on egshells..my relationship with my son never improved much..he made a choice on his own and stuck to it..I have come to the conclusion that as a mum you can only do so much..you can't live their lives for them..they must learn on their own..as much as we yearn to protect this can be taken as interference..fatal..I don't think a mum can win whatever we do..your son is not a boy he is a man and must learn to behave like one..my relationship with my daughter improved only when her life took a turn for the worse and when she looked to my son and his wife for support they didn't want to know..the upside of this was she gave me my beautiful grandson who has driven me happily bananas all day!!..this girl will show her true colours in time..your son is 20.. hopefully he will mature but it takes time....you must look after yourself first because if you don't then you'll not be any use when and if he does come to his senses..stress and worry are the worst things for people in our situation..this girl is immature and selfish..unfortunately some people like this never see sense..I hope my post has helped..please put yourself first and just let him get on with it...you deserve respect as his mother and he should be ashamed of himself behaving like this when you are dx..best wishes.. massive hugs..apple

Amandamagnus
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Unfortunately, and generally speaking, children aren't programmed to see our point of view, whatever their age. I had a not dissimilar situation which I won't bore you with here. I was deeply hurt by my son's inability to cut me some slack, given the circumstances. I believe that his inability to see my point of view was, in part, a denial of my situation, but also because I am 'mum' and not allowed to be vulnerable. He is probably retreating into this rather toxic relationship because it feels safer...
carolihne
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is YOUR home and you need a peeceful sanctuary just now. If he dosn't like it and feels you make his girlfriend uncomfortable well perhaps it's time he got a home of his own! Yes it is a hard time for him too but the last thing you need is some stroppy miss coming round creating an unpleasant atmosphere! Perhaps your OH could have a quiet word with him?

cheers
caroline

Mac123
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Thanks everyone for your kind words. My son came home tonight and we ended up having a huge row and he stormed out. He believes I am partially responsible for the situation with his partner and that she should be welcome in our home. He just couldn't understand my point of view. I feel totally drained and overwhelmed with everything at the moment
Bowl_of_cherri
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Hi Mac, sorry you are having to experience this sort of aggro when you are undergoing all the emotional and physical side effects of treatment. Your son's girlfriend sounds immature and selfish. This is purely an outsider's point of view, but as much as your son needs support , your needs are greater at this time and he is going to have to grow up and accept that. He maybe scared of the whole cancer thing, and may need some reassurance. He clearly loves this girl. I don't think you should advise your son on his choice of girlfriend, because it will probably back fire on you. He is 20 and has to make his own decisions and life choices. Hopefully he will see sense one day. In the meantime remain loving and open with your son when he does spend time at home. Don't get angry or feel guilty . You need to put all your energy in getting through the treatment and getting yourself better. Hope things improve for you soon. Kathyx
HJU63
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Hi, I was in a similar situation with my 20 year old son last year when I was going through chemo. His girlfriend behaved in a way that made us feel she needed to be centre of attention always and that she disliked sharing my son with his family. This meant that she actively discouraged him from visiting me/us (he was away at Uni) and when they did come here she complained that she didn't feel welcome - presumably because I was naturally the centre of attention and not her. I felt very hurt by the situation and his behaviour but could see that making him choose between us and his girlfriend may not end well. So, we sat it out .... recently I did have some conversations about her behaviour with my son but was careful never to comment on anything other than behaviour and never to make him choose between us. They have recently broken up - she escalated her behaviour to make him choose and in the end he chose his family. It was a very hard thing to go through at a time when I was stretchd to my emotional limits. So, this worked for me - I think you will know your son, your relationship with him to decide what to do for the best. Wishing you strength and resilience, Helen

Amandamagnus
Member

Re: Family frustrations

What a miserable time you are having...girlfriend sounds very needy. Her disruptive behaviour is probably an attempt to get needs met. One of which is to have your son's undivided attention. She sounds envious of you...crazy, who would want to be in our situation...your son, I imagine, is having his loyalties tested by this woman. Your better judgement is to say nothing to him. If anything, though it may stick in your craw, building bridges is probably the way to go. Hopefully, your reasonable behaviour will infuriate her even further...Amanda
juliemb
Member

Re: Family frustrations

It sure is hard, but we battle on!!!
love and luck to you xxx
Mac123
Member

Re: Family frustrations

Hi Julie
Sounds like you're having a horrid time as well. Its hard enough battling the cancer isn't it without other issues as well. Thinking of you Lynne x
juliemb
Member

Re: Family frustrations

So sorry you having this to deal with as well, my girls are 18 and 22, eldest left home about 4 months ago, my youngest has issues of her own, which are ongoing, she self harms and is currently in town with my mum seeing someone to help her through all of this, i wish i could help her more but have felt too ill, its such a stressful time, i hope things get better for you

love julie xxx
Mac123
Member

Family frustrations

Hi everyone.
I am married and have a 20 year old son. We have always been a very close family unit and share/discusse everything. However, my diagnosis has put a real strain on this, particularly my relationship with my son. He cannot cope with Mom being ill after treatment etc and struggles massively when I am unwell, particularly if I am in bed. To add to this, he has been in a very intense relationship for over 4 years with someone who continues to creates huge conflict in the family. This conflict has been going on for 3 years but is far worse since my diagnosis. She has openly told my son that I am feeling sorry for myself and everything revolves around me!!! She wouldn't even come to our house as she found it depressing because of me. Thed culmination of this was 6 weeks ago when she shouted at me to p**s off (this was on a pub car park with both my husbands and son's friends present). Needless to say my husband told her she was not welcome at our house and we have not seen her since. My concern is that my son is getting no support from her at all at a time when he needs it more than ever. He spends the majority of his free time, including all weekend at his partner's house.
I am really worried about how he is coping with the cancer and the lack of support he gets from his partner. I am also at my wits end with his relationship. Part of me thinks let him get on with it, after all he is 20, but the Mother in me wants to try and advise/support him.
Sorry to rant and I know there really is no answer to all this. Just feeling really angry and frustrated today and needed to vent. B****y cancer affects everything