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Miss my mum so much

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hi

I so identify with you but for me it was my dad. He had always been there for me, through thick and thin. My dad was always there when I needed help etc, I was so close to him.

When he was given a terminal prognosis of 5 months I was in bits. Panick attacks etc. I was walking about at 3 am in the morning. I couldn't sleep. It's worse for the on-lookers than those who are actually going through it.

I feel for you - I really do.

Mal x

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Re: Miss my mum so much

do accept counselling - ask your BCN. My Dad died at 56 and my Mum at 84. It was only after my Mum died that I realised how much I was still grieving for my Dad who had survived a kidney transplant and then died of pneumonia. I was very angry about my dx of BC, but i am a completely different person after counselling.

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Sending you a big big hug. 57 is way too young. I am 58 but lost my mum 6 years ago when she was 83. I do not have children and can only imagine how it must feel.

Remember her as she was, that is how i remember my mum when she was young before she became ill.

xxx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to thank you all for all your kind words. I haven't been back on the site since the day I posted this. It is just so painful reading what I wrote and then remembering. At the moment I am coping by just trying to keep as busy as possible and not thinking about it. I called the Samaritans on the day and just cried my eyes out. I felt so much better just speaking to someone who was sympathetic and caring. I know there will be a point where I really need to start properly grieving and not pushing it back, but I just feel I am not brave enough . She was a phenomenal women and did not deserve to die the way she did. I try not to think about those last few weeks of her being in hospital. She suffered so much, it really is just not fair and I don't think I will ever understand it.

Anyway, I really appreciate all the support and strength and love to all.

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Re: Miss my mum so much

I'm so sorry for your loss. Fifty-seven is young. Grieving normally takes from one to three years. Do call and talk with someone. What you're feeling is normal, but you can work through it. My father has been gone 20 years and I still miss him and sometimes cry. I too, like to think he watches over me--kind of holds my hand when the going is difficult. Reaching out a hand to you.

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Re: Miss my mum so much

grieving your post is so sad.... i dont think there is much more i can add but just wanted to send my love to you.

you sound like a wonderful caring daughter and im sure you had a huge impact on your mums life in the same way she had on yours.

i think the counselling idea is a good one, as it does often help to talk although to start with it can make you feel very upset if you discuss issues that you have been keeping buried.... but the fact your acknowledging it maybe means you are ready to work through your fears, sadness and anger. see your GP for a chat too... i would recommend booking a double appt at the end of the surgery just incase you need longer than 10 mins too, so that you dont feel so rushed.

im not sure if your at all spiritual but some people find speaking to their priest or minister can help you too.

even if your hubbie is having problems in other aspects you do still need to speak to him.... he will no doubt have noticed that you are upset and not your old self and keeping it all to yourself may make him wonder whats really upsetting you.... if he had a problem you would probably want to know.... even if he cant help just for him to know that your going to have sad days and finding it really hard to come to terms with may make him more understanding.

you sound like your in a really vulnerable place right now and needing lots of love and support.... my heart goes out to you.... the thought of losing my wonderful mum fills me with dread.

sending lots of love and hugs
Lulu x

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear you are going through an understandably rough time at the moment. Go to your GP and see if they can give you some anti depressants - not to turn you into a zombie but just to help you cope for now. I lost my dear Dad to motor neurone disease this time last year, it was horrible. I thought I coped OK but six months on something else went wrong in my family and I just cracked - it was all too much. I fought against anti D's but they do help one regain control and not spiral into despair. To watch someone you love suffer is terrible and you will have flash backs to that terrible time but try to focus on all the good years you had together ( hard I know especially when your Mum was so young). Gradually you will begin to focus on the good memories and the horrid ones will come up less frequently. Be kind to yourself it is still all very raw.
cheers caroline

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hello

Your post touched a cord. My mother died twenty years ago this year at the age of 57 too. She had 'recovered' from having breast cancer three years prior but the fear of it coming back haunted her. It didnt, a heart attack killed her, probably in part caused by the harsh chemo they used then. I remember all the feelings you mention and telling you it gets easier with time will not help at all. (it didnt me)

Having had the dreaded diagnosis myself a year ago, I would love her to be here more than ever. She would have known what I am going through. All I know is I am trying to keep as fit as I possibly can to hopefully avoid the heart attack.

I hope some of the lovely and thoughtful posts here have helped you in some way.

Linda

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Re: Miss my mum so much

I agree with you Truffle Shuffle, I was DX four months after my mum passed away and though my mum isn't here, I feel she is looking over me and has helped me to get to where I am.

During my MX and immediate Tram flap recon my heart for some reason went crazy, I like to think my lovely mum got me through it and for some crazy reason I got a liking for fruit aft the op - now I've never been a fruit person though my mum was. I'm not religious but I like to think they look over us and give us the strength we need to get through the crap.

xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

feel for you, its the most heart tugging pain,isnt it, think when u lose a mum the cord has been cut, I lost mine over 35 years ago , she was 55 and I was 16, but never a day goes past that I dont feel for her. Now I have had the same ugly BC, I finally undestand how she must have felt .

Just before I was diagnosed I had a period where all I could see in my minds eye was my mum, she never left my thoughts, I think now that she was trying to tell me something was wrong, and I feel that she has given me the strenth to cope so far. Mums are always with us in some form

take care xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

ps - dont be afraid of counselling - it can be tough letting it all out but then agin a relief when you do x

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Re: Miss my mum so much

My heart goes out to you although i lost my mum many years ago - i feel her presence when i need her - just pops into my head what she would say or do now and i feel i can still tap into her wisdom.....your post affected me in another way since i see my daughter stuggling with the fact that my prognosis is poor and i dont have long left.......she is largely keeping positive and has rejected any counselling so i worry about her in the future ......i would want ( and i am sure your mum would want) that you get through this grief and find a way through the bleak moments....take care...if your husband isn't the right person to help you maybe someone else could? you feel so sad cos you loved her .....love jayne x

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Thanks guys. I am not sure why but today just really felt like the end of the world. I haven't cried much these past 6 months at all. Today just felt like everything was going wrong and that the one that could really make it better was my mum. I have tried with all my might not to think about her being sick. It was terrible to see her that way. Even as I write this now my heart just breaks thinking that she had to suffer like that. I am so angry at my husband, its like he thinks that by now I should be over it. Perhaps it is my fault because I just didnt want to deal with all the grief at the time. I, like many of you had to hold the family together. My older sister is a little more fragile than I. I just cant stop crying today. It just hurts so much. Whenever I think of her, I always remember how she used to be before she got sick. Thinking of her last few weeks in hospital send this stabbing pain through my heart. I am so angry as well. At everyone. The doctors, my mum, my family, my husband. The doctors diagnosed her at such an early stage and 2 years down the line after she was diagnosed, she’s gone. She said she would be ok and that she wouldn’t leave me and she did. I am so angry. The company my husband owns is going through some rough times and its all he is concerned about at the moment. I cant confide in him about the way I feel. I am too afraid to try counselling. I am afraid that once I start thinking about it, I will never stop and I’ll be depressed like this forever. I don’t think I have ever felt this empty before. I just want to start healing.

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hi

I lost my mum to BC 20 years ago now. She was only a little bit older than your mum-much too young to die.

I remember so well managing to cope and hold everything together and be strong for everyone else. Then after about 6 months it finally hit me. I just wanted everyone to go away and let me get on with my own grieving. My husband tells me now that i was a nightmare to be with, but she was my mum and I missed her so much.

I still miss her.I still think of her in every part of my life.

Be kind to yourself and grieve in whatever way you need.

Andie

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hello
just wanted to send love and support to you and to urge you to get some counselling support to get you through this. This is such a hard process to go through and a journey that we somehow have to do on our own. It is possible for the pain to lessen and be manageable - as others here have said, and it is very early days for you, in terms of the time since your mum died.
I lost my mum almost three years ago and still hold her in my heart - she will always be with me.
thinking of you
love, monica xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

I lost my Mum 15 years ago. She was a lot older than your mother and had lots of health problems, but I was devastated when she died. As I was the oldest, I felt that I had to keep it all together for my younger brother and my two children who were tiny at the time. Also, my youngest was being treated for cancer at the time, so again, I felt I had to keep going. I didnt go for help, just kept going and 2 years later had a huge breakdown. My husband, like yours, was pretty useless and didnt know what to say. In my case, it was one of our GP's who recognised what was happening and got my into counselling quickly. Just being able to accept her death and talk to someone was an immense relief. I really urge you to speak to someone about this, like the others have said, too. I still miss my Mum and if I am troubled, I dream about her, but the horrific pain has dwindled and in time, yours will too. At the moment, you are raw and need to accept some help and please forgive your husband for his apparent lack of support.

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hi Grieving

I understand where you are coming from, I lost my mum 11 months ago (not to cancer) but I still cry, don't think I will ever stop missing her.

For you to lose her at the age she was is so terrible, I'm so sorry. You can't get over losing someone you love - maybe as time goes on it gets easier but for me, my siblings and my dad we miss my mum as much today as we did the day she left us.

You are not pathetic for crying, its better to let it out than keep it in.

Sending you lots of hugs

xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

I am so sorry to hear about your mum.
All I know is that mourning the death of someone who is very close to you is not something anyone else can comment on. It is nobody's place to tell you what you should be feeling and when - and as Cathie says 6 months is nothing.
With the people I have lost in my life I still miss them terribly - even if 20 or 30 years have passed by. You may grow accustomed to living without them and the loss may not be as sharp as it was in the early years - but it never truly goes away I think.
You've lost your mum - it is one of the worst things that can happen in life. You are entitled to be angry and sad and confused and all of the emotions you are feeling.
Have you considered bereavement counselling? It has helped a couple of my friends really get to grips with the deaths of their parents and find a way of coping through a terribly hard time.
All the best. xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Im so sorry to hear about your mum-of course youll be hurting and six months is nothing in the greiving process. Its a very personal grief, so if your husband feels you should be over it, dont worry too much as its your pain only.
I know how hard it is. I lost my mum just over 2 years ago through cancer and although at the time I was very numb and was relieved her awful suffering was over, it began to hit me after a cuple of months.
I couldnt talk about her, visit her grave, look at pictures or listen to her voice on my ansa machine without crying.
But through some sympathetic and helpful counselling, I did start to think about her in more positive ways.
Im sure if you get someone to talk to who is completly independant of your issues, you will get to a point of less pain.I got referred via my GP.
It is a cruel disease, but it would be even crueler if you 'went under' too.
Love and hugs
Cathie xx

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Re: Miss my mum so much

Hello,

I'm sorry to read that you are feeling this way, which I am sure other users will tell you, it's only natural that you are grieving for your mum.

There is help out there for you and you need to speak to someone as soon as possible. You are not alone, there are organisations who are there to help.

Samaritans provides confidential emotional support, 24 hours a day for people who are experiencing feelings of distress. They are there for you if you're worried about something, feel upset or confused, or you just want to talk to someone, telephone 0845 790 9090 http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

You are also welcome to phone BCC's helpline, but unfortunately the lines are closed today with it being Bank Holiday. Lines are open again in the morning at 9am. Calls are free, 0808 800 6000 Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm Saturday, 9am - 2pm

Another support area you may find useful is counselling over the phone at the Cancer Counselling Trust.
support-at-cctrust.org.uk
Phone: 020 7704 1137
Fax: 020 7704 8620
1 Noel Road
London N1 8HQ
It doesn't solve everything but it does help you realise that you are normal to feel as you do, and gives you space to explore your feelings. It's very non-threatening and is free.

Don't forget there's also your GP who should be able to help you with arranging some bereavement counselling for you.

Please do talk to someone as soon as you can as I'm sure it will help.

Take care,
Jo, Facilitator

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Miss my mum so much

HI there guys,

Hope everyone is ok. I lost my mum to Breast Cancer 6 months ago. She suffered so much before she died. She was so young. Only 57. I haven't really been able to grief properly these past couple of months. Its like I just wanted to get on with life and just forget that it has happened. Today is the first day I feel so angry. I even throw something at my husband. This is so unlike me. We had a huge fight and all I could think of was it was my mum and how I wish she were here. My husband isnt very emotional. Its like he doesn't know how to be there for me. It is hurting so much today. The pain is right in my chest and I feel as though there is no-one I can talk to.I dont think I have ever felt this angry, hurt and alone. I am even scared of saying what I would really like to do for fear that I might actually do it. I feel pathetic for even crying. My husband thinks I should just get over it but I cant let go. I feel like sleeping it all away and never waking up...