Hi Sonia and everyone, I can recommend having counselling after treatment finishes. I had counselling with Macmillan and found it very useful .We talked about my breast cancer, but other things came up as well. I think when we're diagnosed we deal with what needs to be done and there's a routine with hospital appointments and tbh, whilst I was having chemo I was often too tired to think! Then all of a sudden radiotherapy finishes and you're more or less off on your own apart from a few appointments! I found it was then I started to process a bit more what had happened in that year (I was diagnosed June'17 and finished treatment June '18) and I also found that I'd lost confidence as I hadn't had to do much on my own during that time and became anxious quite easily x
Edinbird, hope you manage to enjoy your day.
Daisy, well done on finishing. Keep an eye on that skin, mine got sore 8-10 days later. I should have contacted them straight away, for the cream but left it a few days. I'm nearly cleared up now. The good side is where my skin had changed colour and got more freckly, that has all peeled off and my skin looks like it use to be.
"My review radiographer said that I might now take a dip emotionally "
That where I am now, I think Susie hit on the head yesterday with
"We talked about it after a while and he said that if you really think about we've had a huge shock in the same way that someone in the military sustains life changing injuries. Within a matter of seconds we're given this diagnosis followed by all sorts of treatment and procedures and chucked out the other end and are probably suffering from PTSD at the end of it all. So it's no wonder some of us need some kind of counselling or other support."
I went to our local support center the mustard tree and spoke to a support adviser. I did a bit of crying and a bit of talking, she has put me down for some counselling, there is a 3 month waiting list, but I can access the support center anytime I want. I have also signed up for some of the therapies, trying a massage again this time without an appointment following after, so I have time to enjoy and relax. As Sarah said its just not all the cancer bit that affect us, we spoke about loosing my mum at the same age I was when I got diagnosed to cancer, and I think that maybe that's what worries me, I never want my kids to deal with that as children. I hadn't thought too deeply about it since I got my diagnoses, but I do think it weighs heavily on my thoughts without realising.
On a good note, I have more energy and have started to sort through the house., finally.
Hope everyone else is doing okay.
So that's it. End of active treatment apart from the hormones. My review radiographer said that I might now take a dip emotionally. Something to look forward to! Apparently I will see oncologist in 3 months time and if I am tolerating Anastrazole ok then he will request DEXA scan. Just hoping my skin doesn't erupt. It is very red and sore. Tomorrow I have a normal day, whatever that might be! At least I can use sunscreen now treatment has finished so I can venture outside a bit more.
Hope you've had a nice day at the spa Edinbird and that everyone else is ok.
Another huge treatment ticked off daisy, it takes over your life doesn't it! Now try and relax......what on earth will you do with your day tomorrow??? Lol xxx
Edinbird, I feel so sorry for you. Might be worth getting it checked in case you've picked up an infection. I know you said you're not a huggy person but hope you're ok with virtual ones ❤❤❤❤❤❤. Susie B xxxx
So sorry you've got earache Edinburd and hope you feel better soon. Do you think you need to get it checked? It's understandable that you're feeling fed up. I hope you manage to have a nice spa day xx
Just about to go to the spa day - but had a really bad night because of earache 😞 so I have no idea what I’m going to be able to have done as I can’t touch my jaw area without it hurting 😣
So sick of everything right now, even when I have something nice to do I can’t! 😢
Well this morning's photo shoot went really well with lots of laughter😅😆😆😃🤣. I don't think any of us cared about being topless outside, which is where one of our shots was. 5 of us were sat around a table in a wood and glass round pod. Tea cups and cakes were the strategically placed to maintain our modesty in the photos. The other photo was inside based around a craft theme, knitting, sewing and painting using various props again. We were all very open about our surgeries, lumpectomy, single/ double mastectomy, no reconstruction and reconstruction. It was good to see others comfortable in their own bodies. Implausible I was talking to one lady who'd had the same operation in January as you're having next month. She was sporting 2 very evenly matched pert boobs which she was happy to show off. There's another session tomorrow but I'm going to give that one a miss as I'm really tired after this morning😴😴😴. One thing I forgot to tell you was what all this is in aid of. Yeovil hospital is aiming to raise £2m to build a dedicated breast cancer care unit. At the moment we have some appointments in the Macmillan unit, oncologist, PICC line insertion, chemo, Radiology for scans, Women's hospital for surgeons appt, ANC drainage, arm measurements to check for possible lymphodeama. You get the general idea. Also when we have appointments in the women's hospital we're in the same vacinity as pregnant women which isn't ideal. So the aim is to have literally everything under the same roof. Over £1m has been raised so far☺ thanks very much to a substantial sum being left in a will.
Sonia, I bet like me your reply to the assistant was totally out of character. I must admit there are times when I feel as though I've returned to the menopause☹ especially when I can't remember the name of everyday items or words. Sometimes my brain is thinking one word and my mouth comes out with something completely different. I know you've mentioned a few times recently that you're struggling a bit. My husband hit the nail on the head after what I said Sunday night. We talked about it after a while and he said that if you really think about we've had a huge shock in the same way that someone in the military sustains life changing injuries. Within a matter of seconds we're given this diagnosis followed by all sorts of treatment and proceedures and chucked out the other end and are probably suffering from PTSD at the end of it all. So it's no wonder some of us need some kind of counselling or other support. I know I'll be looking at what's available and give it a go when my main treatment ends.
Nettienoo, glad you got the light💡 problem sorted. My hubby's first rule of electricity - if you put b u g g e r in you'll get b u g g e r all out. Enjoy the rest of your break.
Hope everyone is ok. xxx
Hope your ok after yesterday bloody problem! Hope it wasn't your best T-shirt!
Mmm not good when they didn't keep you in long enough for observation but I bet you were probably pleased the less time we can spend in hospital the better xx
Susie, I can totally understand where your coming from. The lady in the co op was looking at my student ID photo which is only 1 year old. She said wow haven't you changed, is that really you. So my reply was "well that's what chemo does for you!" She didn't say anything after that.I defiantly struggle with post chemo/ hormone/menopause brain. Half the time I don't even finish my sentences.
I was all geared up for going to the mustard tree to ask for some support as struggling at little atm, but the whole bleeding thing threw me off, so will try and build myself up to go there this week sometime.
Can't wait to hear about your calendar girls shoot. I saw the calendar girls at the theatre last months.
Rosina, the hormone injection is a pellet that goes into the stomach, so needs a large needle, so the combination of that and asprin caused the bleed. I'm glad you had a nice birthday.Enjoy your time away.
Nettinoo, I know all about lack of wifi and caravans, enough to read most times but unable to reply. Enjoy your last few days on holiday.
Sarah, hope your still pain free, and get a good nights sleep.
night all xx
Sonia, bless you. Just seen the photo. You poor thing, you must have been scared and yes they should have kept you longer to make sure all ok. . Xxx
Sorry it’s late Rosina but I hope you’ve had a good birthday lovely lady. Spent a lot of today crawling round the M25 relocating our caravan from our last beautiful campsite in Kent to one nearer home in Stourport on Severn for the next four nights. No WiFi yet again and even worse 4g bit am managing to keep up to date with posts .
Spent a while trying to get the internal lights of the caravan working earlier. We couldn’t work out the problem and things were getting a bit frantic as getting dark. I then spotted we hadn’t turned the “lights” switch on on the main control panel. Doh! Think we maybe a bit tired. 😂.
Normal service resumed on Friday when we get home as far as posting.
Love you all. Xxxx
I'd forgotten your menopausal outburst😆. A trip down to Eastbourne seems the perfect to way to wind down. I'm trying to think of something we can do for our wedding anniverary on 16th Sept. It can only be a short break as I will have PICC care the Friday before, bloods and onco on the Weds and chemo on the Friday. Hope your final session goes without a hitch tomorrow. xx
SusieB being on T made me loose my rag completely one meal time and my daughter described it as ‘ today Mum went through the menopause ‘ .
Aching body, no taste buds and I was just irritable.
Sonia28 did the hormone injection cause that bleed? It looks awful. Hope you’re feeling better now.
Glad that portacath is out Implausible, another item ticked off the bc list.
I was able to reduce my irritation today in the waiting area for rads strike 2 by shutting my eyes and observing myself being in an irritable mood . Then detaching from it ( saying I am not my irritable mood) and then breathing. I was zoned out by the time the radiotherapist came to get me.
They were all very apologetic. Apparently both machines had tripped out ( there are 8 tripping switches) and while the Hospital tech team was dealing with one machine they had to call out for the manufacturer to send out a second team. Then the machine needs recalibration.
The machines are sensitive to temperature changes, air pressure changes and goodnesses knows what else ( too many patients to zap 🤪).
I asked if I could be double fried ( to avoid the last trip tomorrow) which made them smile .
Anyway there is a bell to ring and I will be ringing it tomorrow loud and clear.
Then H1 is driving us both to Eastbourne for a one night break.
Looking forward to a bracing seaside walk.
Well I've reached day 10 after TC chemo and the T has certainly made itself known not only by affecting me physically but mentally too. The same as before I started to feel low on Sarurday but yesterday was bad. The last time I hadn't connected it to T until Implausible said she'd had a similar problem so I thought, I'll be ready next time. I really can't believe what I said yesterday to both my son and husband at our evening meal and later to my husband🙊🙊🙊. Over dinner they were both moaning about work on Monday. In the end I asked if either of them wanted to swap with me. Where did that come from🤔😮😲☹? Anyway they both stopped complaining but I couldn't believe what I had said. Unfortunately worse was to come. Paul and I were in the summerhouse with candles lit giving a lovely warm glow as it was getting dark. Hubby asked wistfully if I would get a cabin with a log burner when our summerhouse needed replacing (That won't be for many years yet). To my horror I found myself saying "I don't think I'll be around when it -the summerhouse- needs replacing". Where the Barry did that come from, that was worse than my earlier comment 😲😲🙊🙊☹??? Needless to say hubby couldn't believe it either. As I've said previously I stopped talking about future plans more the 5 years ahead straight after diagnosis. However I still intend to plan and book holidays but maybe not so far in advance to try and avoid the disappointment of cancelled holidays or plans in case of recurrence from which I have every intention of recovering. Dread to think what I'll be like mentally after rounds 3 and 4. I did mention my low mood to my onco last time I saw him but he didn't seem too bothered. Maybe I'll mention it to the female onco I'm seeing next. Anyway less of the gloom caused by T.
On the up side of TC all the other side effects seem to be pretty much over by day 9 although food still doesn't taste quite right and my tongue may need a couple more days to get better.
Onto happier things or maybe scary😨. I'm doing my Calendar Girls photo shoot tomorrow morning. Our friend that got me involved is taking part too and her husband is driving us there. Knowing our luck it'll probably pour with rain and the shot is outside. I'll tell you all about it afterwards but what I can say is tea and cakes are on the menu🍩🍰🍰🍵🍵
I don't know if you've noticed but at the moment I'm finding it easier to comment/reply to your posts individually as that is all my chemo brain can manage at the moment. It is not a cunning plan to reach 7000 posts sooner😆😆😆. xxxx
Zoladex injections every 4 weeks, I start my
Exemestane tablets today. My understanding Is that if I tolerate the injections for 6 months they can take my ovaries away.
To be fair, I wasn’t panicked at all, I got a little ruffled when we went back and the nurses didn’t hide their expressions, realised on the way home I’m on aspirin trial, so this would have caused it, can’t wait for next one, I’ll be ready. In my defence I did tell the nurse I was on aspirin.
Happy Birthday Rosina xxx
Sonia how on earth did that happen. Bet it really scared you. hope you are ok.
Sarah well done on getting your port removed. One more step to normality.
Just got back from number 18. I keep getting caught in so much holiday traffic with these morning appointments am beginning to think it was better in the evening. Took me an hour and 20 this morning and an hour and a half Friday. The thought of having to go back again the same day fills me with absolute dread. Oh well, only 2 more. Just got absolutely drenched in a downpour and its very annoying as have loads of bedding on the washing line. I am dripping wet.
Have a good day everyone especially you Rosina although another trip to the r/t dept. isnt very inspiring is it.
I thought the idea of treatment was to help make you better not come out in a worse state than when you went in. That looks quite nasty and probably ruined your white tee shirt. Hope your day improves❤❤❤
Rosina, happy birthday 🥳
sarah, glad it all went well.
my hormone injection didn’t go as well as it could have this morning. Had the injection and quick chat walked out to go and get prescriptions for more hormones 😬got to the lift with my daughter and were chatting, and I touched my stomach to find I was leaking like a sieve 🥴 a quick walk back to oncology and they panic a little, got all patched up, and off I went. I then had a phone call 30 mins later to say they should have kept me longer and was I still good. I’m fine apart from bruise stomach, jeans and t shirt now soaking. Didn’t go shopping as planned as had too many strange looks in the hospital.
Hope everyone has a less eventful day.
Happy birthday Rosina xx I had it in my head it was tomorrow for some reason. Why do these rads machines keep breaking? I know they’re used all day every day but that several of us having delays because of it... makes you wonder.
Currently bored out of my brain sat watching tv with mum and dad and now we are walking to Morrisons for lunch... this is the life 😐
Fed up is mild. Had to get up as they were concerned I wasn’t up at 9.45 and dad couldn’t get out without a key. Have had to explain everything about my new job and my treatment and I don’t want to talk about either. Not even hungry. Wish me luck 😣
Having rads on your birthday is one thing, having to return later because of a broken machine really is the pits😣☹. With the prospect of a round trip not much shorter than Daisydi's I dread to think what we would do. There's a limit to how long we could spend at one of the cider farms🍎🍎🍏🍏🍎🍎🍻🍻🍻 around the Taunton area. It does serve food🍲🥗🍝 too. xxx
and thanks for the birthday wishes.
Rads machine broken this morning so will be going back for 4 pm this afternoon.
H1 drove me up for the 8.30 appointment this morning.
Returned via Waitrose and I have just had a lovely breakfast.
Spinach , Cheese and Mushroom pancakes ( by Waitrose) , highly recommended.
My son said I should get Krispy Kreme donuts as my birthday cake (he is cheeky) .
I have decided I will make an apple and date cake instead.
Will read all posts properly later on today.
That was quick Implausible☺. Brilliant that you've had stitches and glue. Makes having showers so much easier🚿🚿🚿. xx
Blimey implausible, that really was quick! It must feel such a relief to get that one done, I bet you remember clearly the day you had it put in, with no real idea of what to expect and how it would all go....yet here you are scoffing a buttie through the other side and facing a new world....the future it bright Hun! Xxxx
That's my little op all done and dusted, that was quick! (I was first on the list)
After all that agonising about the perfect soundtrack, they didn't even switch the music on and it was all over in 15 minutes 😄
Can't swim for 2 weeks in a public pool in case the stitches get infected, but other than that the aftercare should be minimal , the stitches are dissolvable and they have glue on top so I can shower etc
Can't feel any pain at all but that's probably because the local anaesthetic is still doing its job 🙂
Just waiting on a sarnie and yoghurt as apparently I'm not allowed to leave until I've eaten in case I get dizzy, but other than that, all good and sorted
Hope everyone else is having a good Monday, especially our birthday girl 🙂
I've read a few random pages of Edwina's book A Warrior's Words and found her style if writing easy to follow, even with my fuddled chemo brain😩😩. The pieces I've read I immediately identified with and one particular poem was you and your night time problems to a T. Won't spoil it by saying any more. As I've previously said I haven't read a book since diagnosis but I'll definitely be reading this. I think it will cover just about every emotion going as our own bc journey does. xx
I've never thought of you as being an android, but after seeing your port, well maybe you are.🤖. Know what you mean about being rid of these attachments. As for the music, who cares🎷🎷🎻🥁🎶🎵. Play what you like. What's that song ' It's my party and I'll.......... if I want to, sorry can't remember the words. Chemo brain😩😩strikes yet again. Anyway hope all goes well. Another hurdle jumped.xxx
Edinburd, Implausible is right, I talked about bc during counselling with Macmillan, but we dealt with lots of other things too. Same as with the grief counselling I've been having, although my dad is discussed a lot, other things are talked about too. My counsellor gave me some info about anxiety she downloaded from Mind, so it might be worth you having a look on their website x
Hope everyone has had a decent weekend? Pity about the weather...although it wasn't quite as full time horrid as the forecasts said, so could have been worse.
MBJ how did Rock Choir go on Friday night? Hopefully you still managed to sing despite your cough. Are you feeling any better now?
I know what you mean about being impatient with hair growth. I'm completely in two minds about mine, delighted it has grown back as much as it has, but so incredibly impatient for it to get back down to my shoulders!
On Thursday night a lady at the gym who I haven't seen in ages went "oh! You've cut your hair short!". And in a way I was quite pleased as that means she thinks it looks like a "deliberate" cut rather than a cancer thing. Mentioned that to my son when I got home and he said "oh yeah mum you don't look cancery any more, you just look like a lesbian" 😄 Out of the mouth of (6 foot) babes....
Hope it isn't too upsetting waving goodbye to the fam on Tuesday. I'm sure you'll be able to visit them soon x
Rosina your hair doesn't look badgery from that photo, it looks great, and your brows are coming back lovely. It is so nice seeing physical things return to something a little closer to normal isn't it. Although remember that birthmark I had on my face that the chemo got rid of and I was chuffed because it would save me a fortune in concealer? It's coming back. Grrr 🙂
Feeling bad for those of you going through hard times plus dealing with the whole triple negative thing. Double whammy 😞 There is a fine balance between keeping yourself adequately informed and reading so much depressing stuff online that it drags you down 😕
I'm not in any BC related groups on facebook and only follow 2 fellow BC ladies on Twitter (neither of whom post very often), so my social media is pretty devoid of that kind of stuff. Plus I'm so darned busy at the moment I'm not spending a ton of time on social media anyway. I can definitely recommend having as much time as possible each day doing "normal" things offline, and not thinking about the cancer stuff all the time. It gets mentally exhausting otherwise 😞
Edinbird, hope you enjoy your parents visit and that they can prise you off your phone for a bit 🙂 hope the tummy upset is all sorted and that the post op pains aren't too bad x
(Oh and I'm pretty sure I gave you a hug in Glasgow, sorry, didn't know you're not a big hugger! Thank you for not looking too repulsed 😄 )
As for the counselling stuff, I think you said that it was online or phone counselling you had before? Definitely give it another try with face to face, it makes SO much difference. They are so good at picking up on little facial cues, hesitations etc. Helps them get to the core of the issue. Don't worry about it being bigger than cancer. The "cancer" counselling I had at my radiotherapy hospital stopped being about cancer approx 10 minutes in when she realised there were much bigger fish to fry! So if you organise counselling via Maggies they won't only talk about the BC. It's a more holistic thing...
I actually reckon you would benefit best from a CBT style approach, but see what they offer you and give it a try.... you've got nothing to lose from giving it a go.
I really ought to try to get some kip. I've had a great day out in London with my pals. Went to my first comic collectors' mart this year (I usually go to all of them, they are every other month). I braved it hat / wig / scarf free and my friends were very complementary (or polite. One of the two).
They reckon I look like Servelan from Blake's 7!!! 😄 (nerds)
I spent a small fortune:
Got to get up at 5.30 tomorrow (ouch), as I'm expected at the hospital at 7am (why do they want us in so blinking early?) for my procedure to remove this:
I will be very glad to see the back of it!!!
Fed up of being an android.
My taxi is booked and I've packed some books to read and my sketchbook, in case I'm sat around waiting for hours.
Only thing I'm worried about is that apparently you get to set up a spotify playlist for in theatre, as it is all done under local anaesthetic and I guess if the patient gets to choose their own music it is a nice experience.
Trouble is my music taste is a bit .... heavy! I can't see my surgeon enjoying it much! So I'm trying to think of stuff that is a bit more palatable to normal people 😄
I'll think of something....
Anyway, I'll let you all know when I'm stitched back up 🙂
Take care all
Thanks Jencat it was my intention to look at that when my treatment was almost finished but there is no end in sight so I was instead going to speak to Maggie’s once I’m onto rads and see if I can get something booked in with them. My worry is this is bigger than just cancer and I’ve had counselling before and it’s been pretty useless. But I’m open to trying xx
Hi Edinburd, I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment, you're going through a really tough time physically and mentally and because you're not working at the moment it is difficult to think about any thing other than cancer. I just wanted to reassure you that it will get easier, but it does take time. I've had counselling since I finished my treatment (for bc and now because my dad recently died) and that does help, so maybe that might something worth looking into? xx
I can see from reading the posts that you are struggling a bit at the moment. I also know how you feel about the forums. I have only used this one but if you remember back to when I had my sepsis and made the decision to stop chemotherapy I found it a double edged sword one part of me really wanted and needed the support of all the lovely individuals in our February group to help me get through that dark time. However on the other hand I found it really hard to read about how you were all managing to cope with chemo I know with terrible sideffects but you all still carried on. I felt how can they all do it and I can't, and yes I will always feel I have lessened my chances of disease free survival by opting out of the chemo, and everyone of you has done all you can to maximize your chances. But looking back the benefits of talking to all of you has far out weighed any negatives. But we will always compare ourselves to others whether it's about weight, hair, prettiness or even ability, that's just human nature. But as I think Susie B said we are all individuals who react differently to illness and treatment. At the moment I am doing ok, I always have that worry that it's not going to last. I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about what I can't change (easier said than done I know).
As for the pain it might be the drain site because mine was painful for months after. In fact if I press the area now it's still tender.
I hope you have a reasonable day and begin to feel better soon. XX
No I’m not a narcissist. I checked to see if D might have any of those traits, he’s always going on about how he can’t love himself so how can anyone else so I don’t think he is. He has Borderline Personality Disorder amongst other things.
Hugs article made me sad though 🙁 I hate hugs - only person I love to hug is D. I have a mass of cuddly toys and they get all my cuddles. Even that’s awkward at the moment I have such a sore area on my ribs, I wondered if it was where the drain ended but I now think maybe the cord stretches down from my armpit as well as up?
just thought I would double check the answer to your question ‘ What is the opposite of an Empath ?’
Well it’s a narcissist and you are not one of them.
Article to entertain you ( read the reader comments too) on hugging 🤗
Now to tackle the ironing. At least math planning got done yesterday 😊
I totally agree about putting our phone or laptops down but its so difficult when we want to see what's happening on the forums to see how we all are and see what the latest advice is, as sometimes i truly believe it drags me back down into the dome and gloom of this journey but on the flip side its lifted me so much to know that all you lovely ladies are here and we've all had very similar scary journeys from the moment of diagnosis the support is second to none, I told you things ever before telling my family and hubby, Let yourself enjoy the time you'll be spending with your mam and dad without worrying about whats happening around you, big hugs xx
I need to put my phone down more. I have three books, I started to read one the first time I was in hospital in March and I’ve not picked it up since. Have a few things recorded but I don’t fancy watching them. I’m just glued to my phone all day. Mum and dad will be here this evening so that should break the cycle a bit.
Yes, that's the one. She was/is into yoga. Just has a message from Amazon to confirm book arriving today📘☺.
If you can't switch off from Facebook can you limit yourself to how long to spend on there each day?
Hi Susie xx yes that’s the other book Edwina is on one of the Facebook forums. She’s either a yoga teacher or seriously into it.
I’ve thought about turning it off but then I’d worry if I missed anything useful... once I’m back at work it should be better so I’m not just looking at my phone constantly.
Feeling woozy this morning my arm was sore and I wanted to sleep so I took extra painkillers and now I just feel tired still 😴
Hi Susie I was warned to keep away from forums but when my mum developed dementia I found a forum that was really helpful. There is always someone that gets whats going on and has useful information and tips. I found the same with this forum and I dont know what I would have done without it so thank you all for being there. I think after initial diagnosis I drove myself mad reading up on everything but soon realised that every single one of us is different and no-one has exactly the same diagnosis/treatment/prognosis so it is very difficult to compare yourself with others as we all respond differently to treatment. I am trying not to think too much about the future and just dealing with things on a day to day basis. I am always distracted by a spot or an itch or a sore bit or rotten nails. Cant imagine life with no irritations!
I'll let you know what the book is like. The other one I've ordered is called A Warrior's Words : A Journey Through Triple Negative Breast Cancer by E. M. Thompson. Not sure if it's my kind of reading but I'll give it a go. Again I'll give you an overview when it arrives.
Picking up on your comment about cancer overload you're probably right, that's why I stick to this site only and especially this brilliant February group. As I've mentioned before, joining a forum was never for me until barrying bc hit. What I like about this group is that we don't just discuss cancer and it's associated treatments and side effects but simple things such as the garden, going shopping, evenings out, holidays, in other words normal everyday stuff. Since confirmation of TNBC I have only looked at the factual information on the recognised UK sites, Macmillan, Cancer Research and here and left it at that. If I read anything too negative or upsetting I stop reading. I hope you don't mind me asking but have you thought of switching off from Facebook for a week or so and see if that helps.
Take care and I'm definitely with the others on this one, put yourself first. xx