Sorry, a bit of a vent. I broke down in this week’s HOPE course when I read the line ‘there is a solution to any problem’. I plainly don’t think so, in my case. I find talking about my cancer very difficult without crying. It’s only since the mets raised their head. I think it’s partly because I’m worried about their reaction. I don’t have any close friends nearby as we moved from Hertfordshire nearly five years ago. Thursday evening I went to see one of my friends in Herts. I really feel I want to tell her but her husband died about 9 years ago of a very rapid cancer. One of the first things she said was that her perception of cancer is just a downhill route. However, she quickly followed that by saying it was irrational as her mum had breast cancer and lived 40 years, to v. old age. And I’m thinking, but she didn’t have secondaries and there’s no way I can tell her. Anyway, I don’t know if those two situations influenced me but I told my mil about my secondaries yesterday (my own mother died years ago). I hadn’t told her before as she has enough worries with her daughter having chemo for a relapse of myeloma. However, she has already been through all the emotions with her husband who is now, a very healthy 82 year old, having had prostate cancer with lung and kidney mets, both successfully operated on. They live, independently and separately, at the other end of our house. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult not to dissolve when she pops along to see me as she plainly expects me to start getting better. Anyway, yesterday I told her. I’m very glad I did, she’s a very matter of fact lady and it helped talking, or rather, blubbing to her. At least I know she’s there if I want to dissolve. I know I need to enjoy life, not mope about what might be. Easy to say, hard to do.
On a more positive note, it prompted me to go back to the inspiring stories I’ve copy/pasted from forums. I know the bone mets are slow growing and I can last years with them. So I think I ended the day in a better way, psychologically. One of the HOPE techniques is to think of three things you at grateful for. It might be a simple as being grateful that you took an umbrella with you when it rained. I’m going to dig out a notebook and try to do that.
Sorry to be a bit down. Rugby later, I may go and do a little gardening now.
Have a lovely warm weekend!
I still can't taste anything much, (2&bit days after last chemo-when do taste buds come back?!) so eating out is a bit of a waste! My girls and I are going to the cinema this pm instead and then tea with my dad 
