Frustrated and sad

[Kay0987]

If it's me you're referring to Jessica, I'm through 🙂 I went that Monday for my second chemo treatment, it went well, the next two after that went as well as could be expected, too, and now I'm done with everything really except a couple of tweaks to my reconstructed breasts next week in the doctor's office and endocrine therapy. I'm okay. Physically speaking probably a little better than when this begin actually. Emotionally all right for the most part, too, although emotions are trickier to overcome IMO. Never did wear my wigs though. They looked great but I felt like I was living a lie wearing them. I would put them on and no one knew and then I took them off and it was "WTF am I looking at". I hated the WTF am I looking at reaction so I just chose not to wear them. Seven months after my last chemo though my hair has grown in beautifully. I don't have chemo curls really which is probably a result of my cold capping, and my color is decidedly salt and pepper but I like it so I'm keeping it. The only change I'll make is to grow it longer even though I've enjoyed the pixie look immensely. So for everyone still in the midst of this thing, remember that despite how horrible it can be, it does end. Life does recover, you recover, and everything can be wonderful again. A different wonderful, I mean you're never going to be the same, but different doesn't have to be bad.

[jessica knots]

That is so frustrating hun. I hope everything went well. You could share this on www.thewigforums.co.uk I’m sure people would find your story amazing. Best of luck xx

[Shi]

Kay ❤️ I didn’t use the castor oil till I’d finished all treatments, but do check with your team/oncologist what’s safe to use during chemo ❤️ Post on here in the ask the nurse but about delays to chemo they will be able to advise ❤️ Delays can also happen if your neutrophils are not high enough, you just keep plodding on the treadmill and tick each chemo off one at a time, each one ticked off is a well done you 💪 get a new lippy or something each time, I went a bit wig crazy, coloured bobs, tinsel wigs the lot after each chemo ticked off 🤣 husbands/oh’s can sometimes feel so helpless, they want to fix you and they can’t, try asking him to pick you something up, a magazine or anything, it can help if they feel useful if that makes sense if they are struggling. Are you allowed him in your chemo unit while getting infusion? Sometimes it helps for them to talk to other guys that are there? Also there is a guys area on the forum now too (hopefully a mod will post the link in here) it could help him, on the bcn we’re here campaign there is a gentleman who’s wife went through breast cancer, so maybe he can be of some support and understands where you husbands coming from? Sending big ❤️💕💕✨✨Shi xx

[Kay0987]

Oh I'll do it. I know I'll finish because I want that 6.5% benefit on my recurrence score. It puts me under 10% and with exercise I can decrease that by 40% even further. I will do anything to be here in the future even if I'm scared to death of what I'm doing. It's getting my family or more specifically my partner back on board that I'll struggle with. I mean I've changed so much already. No breasts, no hair, and much thinner with weird stressful scans in my future. I think he just wants it all to go away and it won't. Ever. I mean I am having so much trouble dealing with that but for him I think he just wants his normal, chubby big boobed, thick hair wife back. He's been so supportive and wonderful but sometimes limits are just reached stress wise and he's peaked. 

Can I use those hair products now you think? I am trying to watch anti-oxidant use while on chemo even just topical usage although I'm not focused as strenuously on that. The good lotions, the ones that actually keep your skin healthy, always have anti-oxidents after all. But does caster oil? I'm desperate to try and lessen the chances of permanent hair loss. 

And do you know anything about postponing chemo and the effects on long term survival? I'm not in the UK so we don't have a hotline to call with questions so I'm at the mercy of when my doctor decides to call me back. I'm supposed to have a treatment tomorrow but I'm not taking my steroids today to prepare. Just don't want to yet. My body is probably 99% recovered but even just yesterday I still had some balance issues that needed to resolve. It was a HUGE reaction on Wednesday.

[Shi]

❤️Kay, I’m so sorry to hear you had reaction to your steroids and yes it is scarey because you don’t know what’s wrong then your mind goes a million miles an hour because you were probably wheeled off for scans etc with no one explaining why, so you automatically assume they are checking to see if it’s spread. Do please ring your team today and explain you want to see your oncologist before next treatment ❤️ it is hard to give it another try when you’ve had a scare but you’ll make your own decision. I was hospitalised after my first chemo for 6 days with an infection and didn’t want any more but they reduced the dose for next one and I gave it another go. Then after fec got switched to t and on my second t had a reaction, they stopped it gave me bag on antihistamine and then restarted it, I just wanted to jump out of tge chair and run for the hills, but I had to do it because for me I knew if I didn’t throw everything at it, I’d never forgive myself. But remember all choices are yours you are in control ❤️ use extra dark black castor oil on your head, rub it in leave for an hour and shampoo off I used lush new shampoo bar like a red dot it is , others have used caffeine shampoos and had great results there ❤️ I’m so sorry the cold cap hasn’t worked and please when you look in the mirror, look deep into your eyes, you are still there, still amazing and still wonderful you ❤️ it’s hard to not recognise yourself in the mirror but you are still there ❤️ just think of it like butterfly going into a chrysalis and when chemos finished you will come out of that and then you have the kinder surprise to look forward to because you’ve no idea what colour your hair will come back or if it will be straight or chemo curly whirly ❤️ sending big ❤️💕💕✨✨Shi xx

[Kay0987]

I was set to get my second chemotherapy on Thursday but in preparing I took my prescribed steroids on Wednesday, started fasting, and five and half hours after taking my steroids I suddenly developed stroke like symptoms. I was in the middle of leaving a voice mail message for work and it was just crazy. My kids were home and called 911 and I ended up being rushed to the hospital. Lots of tests, everything turned out okay, and long and short of it is they decided I had a severe reaction to my steroids. But it was a stressful and scary 24 hours as they looked at everything and I had more scans and tests than I ever had previously. And to top it all off the cold capping did not work with my C/T chemo and almost all my hair has fallen out. And because I'm on taxotere I'm scared it won't come back, I hate looking in the mirror because I look old and sick, and I'm still scared because I thought I had a stroke or even that my cancer was in my brain and I never want those kind of horrific fears to happen again. I'm just scared and I haven't even had my second chemo yet. Rescheduled for it Monday but I think it's too soon mentally. I don't want to take those steroids again even though they cut them down by half and I certainly don't want chemo before I have a chance to talk with my oncologist. She was out last week so I've no feedback from her. But yet I'm also scared to postpone this cycle. Will the "mopping up" as they call this type of chemo be affected if I wait? And to complicate matters we are due to go on a family holiday next week and even if I wanted chemo on Monday it might not be enough time to recover before we leave and my blood counts will plummet midway through vacation. Not ideal. And my husband is now gun shy and wants me never to get chemo again much less go and get it this coming Monday so now I have him to worry about. I mean I know I'll finish out my four cycles even if I have to grit my teeth and pull my big girl panties up to do it, but I do have the mental health of my family to consider. No child likes to call 911 on their mom. I left one kid in tears begging me not to die and the other in shock as I pulled away in that ambulance on Wednesday....good grief.