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8 years and stuck....

5 REPLIES 5
delly
Member

Re: 8 years and stuck....

For anyone interested - Here's a link to the cancer specific Audio recording from Marisa Peer, I mentioned earlier. 

If you're interested by it, have a read of the reviews it and she receive lower down on the page that comes up.

https://forum.breastcancernow.org/t5/forums/replypage/board-id/coping_fear_anxiety/message-id/7788

The proceeds from its sales are donated to Cancer Research UK.  Hope it may help anyone struggling,  Delly x❤️x

 

 

delly
Member

Re: 8 years and stuck....

Hi @ZBE67

I must apologise to you. I meant to post you last night, but as you can see, got rather carried away with a loooong post to Charlie girl, and after 3am, so hoiked myself off to bed. But it was your post that brought Charlie girls to my attention, and I had it in mind to post you today.

What a brilliant post from you ❤️  I LOVED it. Found it incredibly touching.

I'm so sorry about you BC experience. But was very glad to hear about your "epiphany" in recognising your body, giving it the praise and thanks it deserves and forgiving it. Good to have a good sob too.

It's all so weird isn't it, what we, our bodies and minds go through with all this. I felt "let down" by my bod too, thinking I looked after it pretty well. But we hear of even the fittest of people get BC and other cancer types or illnesses.

I had a closer look at your name piccie.  Congratulations 😃  What a lovely little poppet of a grand-daughter she is. It's no wonder you're beaming from ear to ear! A lovely thing to distract you.  Hope you stay/keep well now, dear lady.

Lots of love to you and everyone else on here,  Delly xX❤️Xx 

   

delly
Member

Re: 8 years and stuck....

Hi Charlie girl

It's a while since your post. I don't know if I was off Forum a while around that time, as if I'd seen it, I would have certainly have posted to you back then. Sorry. However, ZBE67's post has brought it under my eyes and end of my nose. 

I'm hoping you may be feeling a bit better and more positive by now. but you and your body have been through so much, it's no surprise to me that you were struggling, and maybe are still. If you are, perhaps you could do with some medication help from your GP, as you sounded thoroughly depressed to me.  You had any similar thoughts to? I'm only thinking if you're finding it so difficult to lift yourself up on your own, Antidepressants for a while may just help you over a difficult hump. It isn't a sign of weakness. That link lovely Jaybro kindly provided is excellent. Our bodies are actually pretty amazing at dealing with healing, but our minds can take sooo much longer, especially when it's been ongoing as long as you've had to experience. And no-one seems to, or can adequately prepare us for that. Can actually get in the way, hold us back, if we allow them too, because ordinarily, they do what we tell them to feel. Unless we're physiologically lacking in the certain brain chemicals, have an actual physical problem in our brain that's preventing their production, so don't have/produce enough, and that cause depression, as opposed to the natural difficulty of dealing with trauma. So what ZBE67 and Jaybro are saying, about not being so hard on yourself. You've had a horrendously tough time of it, Charlie girl, so go easier and gentler on yourself. Your body's been battered, and your mind's been battered too.

I don't know what kind of counselling you had, but maybe try a different kind of therapy? Was it CBT? If not, you may find that works better. Or perhaps go and see a good qualified hypnotherapist and persist with a few sessions, at least four, see if things shift. It bypasses a lot of the "talk" (doesn't work for me) with it working directly through your subconscious mind, and can help retrain your mind, and reduce it's resistances, with persistence. My best friend's a hypnotherapist. Got hooked into it, after it curing a serious, sometime debilitating phobia, and then trained in it herself. It's very underestimated.  Also, there's a woman, Marisa Peer, very renowned in the Hypnotherapy world, and a very inspirational speaker. You can find her on line. She has a whole series of available CD's/downloads to buy on her website, for various conditions/problems to use at home and keep repeatedly listening to. Each time you do, it provides a deeper impact. again it's persistence with. Her relaxation ones are great to play in bed to help lull you off with a soothing relaxing voice and suggestions. One of her cds/mp3s is actually geared to cancer. I keep meaning to buy it. I don't have the thoughts and fears with reference to cancer that you have, but just to see what it's like, and whether a helpful suggestion to/for others who are struggling, but I haven't yet. Have just reminded myself to.     

I lost both my boobs and nodes just a year apart, 2006 and 2007. Had wanted immediate implant recon, after the 1st, as I knew it would help me get over it better, and I was still single and would have been happier with an immediate replacement of the "loss". It didn't happen for certain reasons, but I bounced back really well from the 1st. The 2nd, however, reeally smashed me up mentally so soon after the 1st. Was a different type of primary, so not due to spread. Just flippin bad luck really. Immed recon didn't happen for that either, along with the other at the same time. But I had it in mind to have it done later. All sorts of things got in the way of it (nasty life brown stuff) and also developed mental probs with Bi-polar disorder. You do go through a process of grieving your loss of boobs, some of us much more than others. You "twice". I literally felt "mamed". But I treated myself to some gorgeous bras from Womanzone, even some matching briefs, a decent pair of prostheses, and felt a million dollars when I "loaded my false boobies on". Did NOT and still don't spend time studying myself topless in the mirror.

I suddenly stopped worrying after my 5th annual check, no more sharp prodding reminders, and adopted an "I'm not gonna let it hold me back from anything, am NOT going to live "in fear" of it coming back and thinking "What Ifs"" Yes I'm aware that it could. You read of it on this Forum. But "What if it doesn't." It may never do, during the rest of my life, so why spend what time I have left wasting it worrying "What IF". But it took those 5 years to reach that point, and without all of your further problems.

I even got on the recon horse, 2014, got as far as expanders installed and all the inflations done (a long process from nothing to permanent expanders + nipple recon, about a year). The surgery to replace with permanent silicones was cancelled the week before, and I then fell off the horse to get the rest done. Still haven't. Again, brown stuff got in the way. One of my expanders ruptured after 2 yrs and deflated, so I've only have one "mound". I was going to have "those" implants that have now been withdrawn, the more natural, anatomically shaped ones, with a slightly roughened surface to help keep from developing a capsule. Made by Allergan/Natrelle. So now makes me think luckily I didn't go all the way with it, perhaps? But they haven't affected everyone, just an unfortunate few, and you sound to have been very sadly unfortunate there.

So sorry for this long, looong post. Do please let us know how you are, if and when you can an feel like it.

Lots of love,  Delly  x❤️x     

ZBE67
Member

Re: 8 years and stuck....

Hello, 

Your post really struck a chord with me!  I have had very little happen to me compared to you.  In March this year I went for my routine mammogram and they spotted a lump.  I had a whirlwind of lumpectomy and lymph removal then radiotherapy and now 5 years of tamoxifen.  For ages I've been angry with my body for letting me down especially as I looked after myself pretty well I thought. Anyway the other day I was in my yoga class and the teacher told us to wrap our arms around our bodies and think of something or someone to thank. It suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't thanked my body for keeping me alive and I shouldn't be angry with it as it worked really hard for me. Anyway the tears started then and I was a blubbering mess for the rest of the class. It was sort of an epiphany for me and what I think I'm trying to say is don't be so hard on your body.  You are still here 8 years later! Give yourself a break . I pray to be 8 years on from this year.  My 1st granddaughter was born two days after I finished radiotherapy.  She was late and I think she waited for me to be done ❤ 

Jaybro
Member

Re: 8 years and stuck....

Hi Charliegirl

You ARE normal. You are one of millions who have been through breast cancer but you are still normal -just not exactly as you were before breast cancer. You sound like a positive person. Working during chemo is awe-inspiring. I only knew I was alive because I could stagger to the loo several times a day! I felt and behaved like a zombie (not of the Walking Dead kind)

I recently was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer, triple negative. I had two tumours and never even knew one was TN. I have felt very little. No tears, nothing except what’s the point in worrying about something I can do nothing to stop. Either treatment works or it doesn’t and I’ll. worry when I have to (hopefully not soon). But I am beginning to recognise that I feel incredibly angry at my body letting me down again. Someone told me when I was diagnosed with primary breast anger that her mother-in-law had had it three times. It was well intentioned but I was like wtf? I only plan on having it once. It wasn’t to be.

You've had an incredible traumatising time too with the reconstruction and I’m so sorry it didn’t work. Personally I’m ok with being monoboobed apart from the way it affects my choice of clothes (my passion). I would like to have the other breast removed and just be flat but now I wonder if there’s any point. But your sense of who you are as woman has been swept away. There are so many things to feel angry about. And they are probably all justified so don’t feel bad about it, except it’s not getting you anywhere is it?

In the world of secondary bc, you have scans every three months. You also see a consultant every three weeks. There aren’t many who don’t experience what they call scanxiety. It’s normal for us because we all know things could go downhill very fast at any time. But what’s the point of wasting all those days in fear when it’s not going to change the outcome? Same with your annual checks. There’s always the possibility of it coming back but what are the odds? Have you asked? I didn’t. I didn’t want to know. It made no difference.

It feels to me that you have got into the habit of this (like me and my phobia) and it’s always going to be there so you must learn to live with it but channel it in healthier ways. It’s just a tragic waste of energy to carry on this way. I’ve never resolved my phobia so it would be hypocritical of me to tell you you need to change your feelings when you can’t. But maybe you can think more about what you might change so you can feel happier. After all, you survived breast cancer,

Going back to the normal, there’s an excellent article written by someone at the hospital where i am treated. One of the nurses posted it a couple of years back and I’ve read it repeatedly. Maybe there is something in here that may help? In any case, I wish you all the best,

Jan x

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-wha...

 

Charlie girl
Member

8 years and stuck....

This is my first time ever posting.  I'm not sure if this is going to help but nothing else has. 8 years ago I was diagnosed with stage 2 HR positive breast cancer. I went through all the treatments, chemotherapy, radiation, double mastectomy and the other surgeries trying to get back to normal  I beat the cancer but I can't say I made it. It seems as more time passes the fear doesn't get weaker it gets stronger.  When I have  checkups the fear and anxiety brings me tears. Every time I find a new lump or the doc see a shadow it brings me back to January 13th 2013. I feel like I have to start all over again. 

When I was first diagnosed I was determined that it was not going to change my life, it was not going to control me I continued to work I continue to try to do everything that I needed to do. There were days it was hard but I pushed myself and there were days it made me sick because I pushed myself. The day of my surgery to finally remove it I thought I would be over but as I started to recover the fear set in what if it comes back!  I don't trust my body,I hate my body for letting me down and I don't know how to get out of this.

And then we start the Reconstruction surgeries. 3 surgeries and it failed. After the third surgery I found out that the implants were the ones that cause cancer I was having pain my breasts, they had gotten hard and  my skin was turning purple. I had to insist that they be removed. And now I get to experience losing my breasts a second time. But this time it was worse I cried for a week before they took him out, I don't remember crying the first time. There was a lot of tissue damage from we implants so they had to take more skin. I decided not to have any more reconstruction,  I was done. I wasn't going to pull anymore of my body fat or my muscles from my back to try to get breasts.

I've seen a counselor and it didn't seem to do any good. The only thing that came out of it is that I'm angry at myself for getting sick. As time passes I get more scared and more angry and I can't let it go.

I don't know this babbling did any good,  as I wipe away the tears, I just want to be normal.