As Much As I Have Tried…

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hellooo, my darlin'. Am just checking in on you. 

How ARE you doing?? Are you okay? Feeling more settled again??

Just checked back to my last post - I don't know why there was so much empty space/"fresh air" at the end of it!???

Have you had your Mammo results back yet?? Am sending you this stunning, beeautiful l'il critter, to cheer you 🤗   Loadsa love, Dellywellydingdong X❤️X 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Dear Wonky-Donks,  I appreciate your "praise" and "Thanks", but YOU ALSO helped me too, when I was going through a very difficult mental time, having a massive, prolonged "Downer". I think I "thanked" you for it then (?), but I'm thanking you for it again, now

I just ONLY want to hear you to be WELL. Keep posting, Flower

** How long do you have to wait for the Mammo results, Wonky?? **

Lots of love, flower.  Dellypoos X❤️X

[delly]

@Wonky  - Well Done on getting through that yesterday. YOU!!. Hey?

Dare I ask, did you mention anything about your pain? If so, what was said about it??

I have to say, Wonks, I'm with you on Jude, in preference to your previous mention of Jamie Dornan being one of your heart throbs, AND your actually "bumping into him" 😆 Afraid "He" doesn't make me "Corrr, or Phworrr"!!! Think Jude was at his most handsome in The Holiday. And Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and The Way We Were!!

Hope you don't have to wait as long as 4 wks. I might put some fizz in the fridge ready for hopefully "ALL Clear" news? 😊

Can't you go any faster, Mum!

"Giddy Up, Mum. Can't you go any faster"!!!

Keep in touch, especially if you're having any Wonky-Wobbles whilst you're waiting, flower, Yeh?    Lotsa Love, Dellywelly X❤️X  

[Wonky]

Back from hospital from mammo. Think the fact I’m now in the ‘we’ll let you know in 4 weeks’ bracket, in contrast to ‘go nowhere beyond the waiting room’ is massive progress, for me. So another + step forward. Walking in, and out, seeing so many women stoically facing their future was very poignant. I just wanted to hug every one of them. Wonks X 

[Wonky]

Jaybro / Delly

thank-you so much darlins! It’s fantastic to know that this forum is always there for us all, for keeps/ ever. 

Which is a fantastic thing, as it never ‘completely goes away’, the experience. Without ploughing back over my old posts I know I was always careful to bear in mind that my BC wasn’t as bad as many others.

But the post/op scars are ‘epic’ (not likely to be getting a call from Jude Law anytime) and I’m amazed how long the nerve pain goes on for (FFS). 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hi flower. Apologies for my delayed response. Must have jumped/skipped over it, in my "Notification" box, onto another thread and missed it. Sorry.   

Yeh, I understand what you mean, ref not "wanting to be a nuisance", but you were saying it's been painful a long time, which ain't normal, darlin'. So I really hope you DO get a chance to discuss it/have it checked into at your upcoming Mammo appointment.

When do you go for your ouchy-ouch "boob squeezing", Wonks??

Lots of Love, DoolallyDely X❤️X 

[Wonky]

Oh, and Hi to LR of L. x 

[Wonky]

Hey Delly, 

maybe it is chording. With Covid you don’t like to be ‘a nuisance’, but I agree it doesn’t seem normal. Did trot off to GP last year, but the gist of that was ‘it can happen’. Routine mammo next week, I know it will be eye-wateringly painful and maybe an opportunity to ask Qs. I just don’t like being a nuisance and taking up time scheduled for others. But as long as I’m not whisked from mammo to ultrasound to biopsy to diagnosis in the terrifying speed it happened 3 years ago, 2 hours all told. I guess I really have nothing to moan about. In the greater scheme of things. 

Wonks x 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hey, and a big OY!!! Pleeease do not EVER think ANYthing BC is "pathetic", Wonks. Thanks for your "praise", darlin. I appreciate it, but you're exaggerating a little bit - "I" have not "been there for you, EVERY day", flower! Have only been there for you "some" of the time (when you've been around on the Forum, yeh?) 

NO, you're ON-going pain is NOT "normal"!!! You should NOT still be suffering with such.  I wasn't talking "massage", sweetheart - I was meaning direct "manipulation" and s t r e t c h i n g. There's a difference. You can get "chording" across the front of your chest muscles. It doesn't just affect arms. Maybe that's what you have, and is what's causing your ongoing pain?? Your description of a "shooting" pain, suggests it even more to me. Plus/or, you could have what are called "adhesions", where scars basically "stick" to the underlying structures, so the flesh doesn't "freely" move, becomes restricted.

As I said, a good Osteopath may be the first person to see about it.

"Size" doesn't have anything to do with anything, darlin'. I was a 34A/B. Took me an "age" (due to OTHER major life brown stuff) to embark on reconstruction. However, had a bad initial op experience, due to a trainee/student working on me! Badly damaged my skin 😩 Had I KNOWN it was to be a student "working" on me, I would NOT have agreed to it. Would have "insisted" on a qualified and skilled surgeon. I now don't EVER want my body to be a "practiced" on. Had a similar s**t experience with a Cataract Op!!! Again, had I "known", I wouldn't have agreed/signed consent form.

Sweetiepie - I was soo blummin pleased to read you're PREVIOUS more "UP" post. Thought you'd got things better sorted in your head, and were now progressing onwards n upwards. But. . . . your last post isn't so great, lovey. You sound to be very "LOW" again??!!

Send me an email ANY time, Wonkey-donkey😊 

Loadsa Lovey-Dovey to you,  Dellywelly xX❤️Xx

[Wonky]

Hi Delly Darling, 3 years and you have been there every day for me.

I think trying some massage is a really good suggestion. Feck da booby hurts still and it can’t be normal (surely?) The pain shoots from the armpit across to the centre. My tumour was maybe in an unusual position? High up on breast bone in centre. Cleavage. Bra size 36A before BC.  What do I know? (F all) but there wasn’t much ‘soft and squishy’ to go into (tumour next to rib) and I figure that’s why I got it a bit tough and rough, the docs simply didn’t have much room for manoeuvre in my scrawny bust. But they saved my life!!!!!

I have a friend who had BC and you honestly can’t tell, whereas I look like someone who has had the route of The River Nile charted across my left hand side from armpit to cleavage. 

Sorry everyone, this is pathetic in the bigger scheme of things, but talking about it is helpful. 

Wonks 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hi again Wonky-wonks 😊 Sorry to bov you again, I did ask in an earlier post, but I'm reeeally interested to know WHERE you are getting your post-op nerve pain?? Is it across the front of your chest, underarm, or maybe down your arm??

I have a previous Massage Therapist background, prior to Podiatry, so am very pro physical therapy, having had it myself for my post-op pain. Have you had/tried any form of physical therapy to help try to alleviate it? I'm not necessarily talking Physio. I'm suggesting trying Osteopathy (rather than Chiropractics) which tends to be a more DIRECT manipulation and s t r e t c h i n g to the muscles, ligaments, structures. Have you tried it at all? 3 yrs is a looong time to have to still be putting up with something that may actually be quite easily sorted with a few sessions. I went to see an Osteo with my post-op pain, after my first op. It worked wonders😀 Immediately freed everything up more quickly. I then kept it "free" with the hospital Physio's exercises for a while after.

hopefully to keep you "cheered" - Here's a little baby Pangolin waving "HI" to you 🤗 Poor, now bordering on extinction, critters! I soo love them. Weird and cute at the same time. Bit like me, really!! Ha blummin Ha 🤣

Here's me kissing Phlipp, the Dolphin! 

Hope you you can cope better, but you know where to come, if you ever need some propping up, hey. 

Lotsa lurrrv, DoollallyDelly X❤️X 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hi flower. I just popped on to say - TIME really is one of the MAJOR factors with all of this, Wonks. Hence me asking you to remind us/me of how long ago your BC diag and treatment was.  

3 years, so it's still early days yet. You had a recent "meltdown". May have a few more. Just don't expect so much of yourself. Took me to my 5th yr annual check and being "signed off" (so to speak), for me to become more "relaxed" about it. For it not to be at the "front" of my mind all the time, but to become a seed that gets smaller and smaller and pushed further and further to the BACK of my mind. Of course its 'still there, (can't ever be removed fully can it), but no longer such a huge influence on my life. Now I'm 15yrs further on. My take you less time, may take you a bit longer?? We're all very different, darlin'.

But there, you've posted a much more positive post. I'm sooo glad to hear your calmer reaction to an appointment letter. Great, BRILL!!! It also becomes easier when you no longer have the annual "reminders". So again, Yes, much of it IS about and DOES just take TIME. Cos we're not talking a flee bite here are we. It's a massive, major trauma to ANY one and their life to have to get over. Be kinder to yourself with it all, and don't expect too much. Yeh?

Doollally-Delly X❤️X  (Hope your pussycats are okay too. One was having major problems last time, if I remember correctly? Hope she/he is okay now 😻 xXx)    

[Jaybro]

Hi Lori

You might like to read this article posted by one of the nurses here a long way back, since you’re speaking of a new normal. I loved that term - it encapsulated everything I felt about navigating a world that didn’t know or care that I’d had cancer and holding this enormous weight that Wonky suggests, the knowledge of what we’d been through and the thoughts about the future. Then the Tories used it as a soundbite during lockdown and ‘new normal’ was removed from my vocabulary - how can you compare a cancer experience with the inconvenience of not being able to go to the pub because of the pandemic??

It really is very good (the article, not the situation): 

https://www.workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-wha...

There is also a thread started by Bellis Coldwine recommending a series of articles about going out the other side (I’ve only just seen it, so not read the but they are not really for me as I’m back on the rollercoaster). Hope the article helps - it really cleared my head.

Jan, the bc wimp not warrior!

[Wonky]

Hi Delly and all on this thread. My (anti) views on ‘the warrior approach’ are highly unlikely to change. However, received a letter from hospital yesterday and ‘here cometh’ my present thoughts (don’t read on if easily offended):

Three years almost to the day. Seeing the letter in my letter box, yesterday, was the first time the thought of its contents didn’t bring me out in a cold sweat. Literally! Off to hospital again, but for the first time ever feels like ‘routine’ (normal life) not a ‘fear & dread’ situation. 

so, making sense of my thoughts:

this forum makes a huge difference;

it clearly takes time to get over the psychological impact of BC;

Thanks girls 🌹❤️

Wonks. 

[delly]

@Wonky  - Hi Wonks. Hope you're doing okay? You feeling any better??  Delly X❤️X

[lfiore]

Hey Wonky,

Lori here- new to this forum, new to cancer-so sorry you are feeling what you are feeling.Im not on board with the BC warrior thing, nothing against it, I feel cancer is another aspect of life.I didn't choose this nor would I ,If given the option!! i mean who would! i am fortunate to have great insurance and Dr.'s but I am overwhelmed with the fact the treatment is making me feel so bad.And then I feel bad for feeling bad- That's survival mode, or survivor's guilt?- When you talk about resetting to "normal" isn't that now survival mode?We all have a new normal now.

I'm taking a 2 week leave from anastrozole,hopefully to another in this group of meds that I tolerate better.

Thanks for the space to vent,and to knowing you're all ther.

Be well

Lori

[Susanmanchester]

At risk of sounding like a stuck record please do not ditch the tamoxifen ….. it really is crucial for survival … and survival mode. 

[Jaybro]

Dear Wonky

Please don’t ever compare. Your experience is just as valid as anyone else’s, regardless of the severity or the treatment plan. The fact is, this bloody disease messes with your head as much as it messes with your body (If not more, sometimes)

I love that Survival Mode explanation - it’s better than a big dark hole and it’s something you can work your way out of. Sainsbury’s is waiting but meantime, they deliver! Do it at your own pace (speaks the expert lol). 

Love,

Jan xx

[Wonky]

I was poking around on the internet and came across “Survival Mode” as a ‘thing’. It’s the first (and closest) description of what I have been experiencing and it’s been a revelation. 

We are all naturally going to go into ‘survival mode’ during diagnosis and treatment, but someone like me lucky to have been spared, but not moving on, clearly the problem is I haven’t reset my buttons from ‘survival’ to ‘normal’ mode. I figure because of lockdown to a significant degree. Just getting past ‘omg I’m going to be taken by C’ when ‘omg going to be taken by a different C’.

Both extreme reactions I know, but it makes sense now …… when you’re ‘forced’ into an abnormal set of circs involving  contemplating your ‘chances of survival’ if your subconscious takes that to the extreme, it is hard to win an argument with it (your brain).

Don’t expect Shark Cage Diving or Sky Diving from me anytime soon Ladies, but this ‘Survival Mode Syndrome’ makes a lot of sense, so I’ll let you know when I get as far as Sainsburys without panicking.

As always, I’m always aware that many ladies reading this have had far worse to contend with and I’m not making light of that.

Hugs to all,

Wonky

As always,  

[delly]

Hi Wonky

Good to see you again 😊, but not to hear you are struggling. Know you're a fellow animal lover, so thought I'd send this li'l fella to "Welcome" you and give you smile.  He's trying out a few new dance moves 😀, but needs a bit more practice yet (bit Wonky)!

Forgive me, I can't remember what you had, treatment wise, so perhaps you could remind me/us on here if you would. A couple of years ago now, wasn't it, so that's a long time to still be in pain from it. Where exactly are you getting your pain?? And what problems were you getting with the Tamoxifen, as you say you "ditched it"??

Yeh, I can understand you feeling you lost part of yourself, not just physically. Feeling that it's "changed" you in certain respects, is probably a better way of putting it, as that's a less of a negative thought to have your mind think, therefore is not being allowed to influence it so negatively.

@Jaybro  - I read this post last night, and kept puzzling over your "ffs" text speak?. The penny's only just dropped!!! 😆 See how "innocent" I am (NOT 😜). Just not very "up" on text abbreviations.

Lots of love to you, Wonks, and to you Jaybro Jan,  Dellypoos xX❤️Xx

[Jaybro]

Hi Stranger

You know how I feel about the whole BC Warrior business. Ffs, we’re not in this to prove ourselves but to survive. It’s not a battle bravely fought (if anyone ever says that about me, I shall try very hard to haunt them and see how brave they feel when facing the unknown! ), it’s trusting the experts, putting up with a lot of unpleasantness and accepting that much of it is the luck of the draw.

I’m so sad to read that you feel you’ve lost yourself in all this. I cant imagine that happening, not with the furry armpit at your side. I know you went through hell and back with radiotherapy and the experience can’t help but change you but you’re still you, just with a bit less flesh and a long-term reminder. I have pregabalin for the neuropathic pain in my breast muscle and ribs. It’s pretty useless with that but I haven’t had a panic attack in over two years - and that is a major achievement. I haven’t even got worked up over my ‘new’ diagnosis (a year old now). C’est la vie. (Autocorrect changed that to Chest - how fitting). 

I hope you manage to recover some of that pre-pandemic Wonky, the Wonky who found a funny side to everything and certainly made me feel a lot better about myself. Don’t give up on yourself !

Love,

Jan x

[Wonky]

Hi. As much as I have tried I never became a BC Warrior. The whole experience rocked my world. I have tried to get back to the ‘me’ I was, but clearly she has gone, forever. The post-op nerve pain is a constant reminder. I’ve ditched the Tamoxifen simply to try to feel human again.