Thanks ladies it's comforting to know its kinda the new normal to feel like this makes a big difference..kip xx
Hi Kip and Lucy ( and all).
Kip - I too have been cutting back on Forum time which I think is a good thing to do when you are coping. But its a godsend when you're not.
I'm convinced Tam is what is holding me back (any brand).
Lucy - totally agree it comes back with a thud, but maybe the thuds ( or thumps) are not as hard as in the beginning.
That said what is probably 'minor' to most colleagues & friends, can set me off. I had a big blip a week ago because of a muck-up at work which caused me a lot of stress and 3 days of physical pain (joints/Tam/traipsing about a city on a wild goose chase in freezing cold). No exaggeration, I could hardly walk.
Totally get the 'feeling a failure', but I didn't ASK to have BC and all it entails.
I have accepted I'm still vulnerable and am sharing that with colleagues. Asking for support and encouragement. Comes as quite a surprise to some, ( that you are still vulnerable) , but I kinda feel it's not just about me, it's about everyone, so how C is 'approached' is not just about what WE do. 'C' isn't our fault! It's down to society to change its attitude to the issue.
Not sure this makes sense but posting anyhoo. Warmest wishes to everyone. Wonks X
sorry to hear you’ve had a few rough weeks, I have exactly the same. Some weeks it’s almost like it never happened and I feel pretty immune to everything and then bang everything comes back with a thud. All the worry/fear, sadness and grief which just feel awful.
My diagnosis wasn’t explained at all and I had to ask for a copy of it. I’m glad I did because it gave me some understanding of why I had to have the treatment I did.
At times not being able to cope has been very difficult (I feel a failure for feeling like this) but I have a friend who’s said you’ve had breast cancer every time I see her and I’m saying I don’t know why I still feel like this. I don’t (still don’t)think I understood the enormity of that. Like you, I do say it out loud to myself when I feel at my worst to make me understand that it’s normal to go through how I’m feeling.
Take care of yourself xx
I know these posts were from a couple of weeks ago, but I have been avoiding the forum a bit as I have been feeling a bit "wobbly" myself. Had a really good couple of months, where I felt positive and upbeat and thought Yup I can do this. Then out of nowhere the fear, the gremlin, the wondering all came back. I am putting it down to different Tamoxifen brands but I'm sure its a state of mind we are all having/will have throughout the coming years. Not sure how you deal with it, I've tried lots of things too and sometimes I just have to say things out loud to myself, repeat the things the doctors and nurses have said and try to make sense of it all. Its tough.. no doubt about it and like you I've not asked too much about my cancer. I know it was the invasive ductal type, grade 2 and some small bits in the lymph nodes. At the time I didn't want to know more, just cracked on with the chopping, poisoning and then burning treatments! Very barbaric when put like that I know.. Lets hope one day they look back and say "crikey do you remember when we used to treat cancer with poison and burning!". I'm glad you seem to be dealing with it a bit better now. Although there are no answers to how we can live with the fear.. it really helps me to see I'm not the only one.
Thanks for your posts.
Hi Ladies, thanks.
All the various weird pains etc don't send me off in search of pain relief, at this point in time. I think its more about coming to terms with what happened, at present. I was warned my boob would 'do weird things'. Maybe they knew it would happen because of where the gremlin was ( unusual place). And that the rads would be strong.
Baby steps. piecing everything together in my head. Traumatic experience and it takes time to nullify (neutralise) how that makes me feel.
Was a better day today, I'm beginning to realise that its better to be open & honest at work, lots of empathy today. Not that there wasn't lots but I think the old chestnut "she's back, she's better" was happening, to a degree. I didn't consciously ask to know the technical term, to relay it to work colleagues. Maybe subconsciously. But it certainly has helped.... being able to repeat "invasive/highly aggressive" certainly seemed to help put things more into perspective for some colleagues. Which has taken some pressure off me.
It's not "a pity party", its about getting back on track and accepting that returning to work is challenging when you feel vulnerable, tired and sore.
As always, lovely ladies, my respect, love and hugs. Wonks.
Hope you’re feeling better today Wonky? I totally agree it’s better to have information about your diagnosis. I now ask for copies of all my scan reports. I think knowledge is an important way of taking control of our bodies! Re your nerve pain - have you asked your team about specific meds for this? I had nerve pain for a few years after my second mastectomy and reconstruction. I was prescribed nerve pain medication and it really helped - conventional pain killers won’t normally work if it’s nerve pain xx
I hope you’ve got some help with the pain because that doesn’t help as you can’t put it out of your mind for a minute, take care wonky xx
Well the nerve pain, which takes my breath away sometimes, especially don't like it when it shoots into nipple. Very freaky. Sorry to be graphic. Then because the two incisions almost meet, I have 'pull'. Gravity pulls at the sore bits. Then what they call "hardening" which is pretty accurate way of putting it, and feels like you've been kicked. Oh and the fluid. Basically a lot going on; it's party-central in there!
You got the anxiety and IBS to contend with too hun. It's no picnic, that's for sure, but we're getting there! Wonks. x
That was my diagnosis along with DCIS and grade 2. What pain have you got? Can they do anything to help? I’m ok, very up and down at the min with some anxiety too which results in IBS so feeling a bit rough but I’m ok xx
I'm OK. Feel like I'm a proper 'fruit n nut' job half the time, but I know I'll get there, eventually. Spent hours just getting my head around seeing it written down on paper. Three words. Invasive ductal carcenoma. The middle word didn't really get to me, but the other two words were, well, different. But they ain't ever going to call it 'Mr cuddles came for tea', are they - lol.
Plus the 'Grade 3', which is a bit different from piano lessons when you're a kid.
The pain is starting to get to me a bit, I didn't realise it lasts this length of time, but I suppose its good in a way because its a daily reminder they got me fixed up.
You OK now, after tears earlier? xxxxx
I’m glad you asked, I do think it’s important to know the diagnosis to process with everything you’ve been through. It’s a slow recovery isn’t it? You’re not the only tearful one, I’ve not had a great day. Tears appear from no where, but hey ho.
Hope you’re ok xx
So, plucked up courage to ask what sort of BC, exactly, did I have? Time for this ostrich to pull her head out of the sand! Basic. Invasive ductal carcenoma. Scary bit Grade 3. But they got me in time! Only thing unusual was where it was. Very near cleavage, so surgeon worked a miracle. I forgive him for the ongoing, constant pain.
I have been very low this past while, no particular reason, just processing my thoughts. Plus the Tam, I guess.
I think that asking was a good decision; and for first time ever I googled.
Good luck girls. Anyone around to cheer me up? X