Firstly, I’m so sorry if what I say in this post is insensitive or offensive to anyone in a much worse situation.
Today it really hit me what I’ve been through and I can’t stop crying. I worked all the way through chemo (remotely) and got through lumpectomy surgery with little side effects, just the expected numbness which has now worn off. Aside from the SNB scar, you wouldn’t know I’d had surgery as I’m healing so well and you can barely tell the difference aesthetically. I also got through radiotherapy and I’ll continue my Herceptin injections. I used the cold cap and aside from a lot of thinning, I kept a full head (my biggest fear was looking ‘ill’ so I should be happy about that). My eyebrows and lashes were slow coming back to start with, but suddenly also came in out of nowhere. I look the same as I did before I was diagnosed. You wouldn’t have guessed what I’d been through by looking at me. I should be happy.
But I’m so sad. It’s getting worse each day as I realise I’ll never be the same person again. I’m sad because I’m 33 and I feel like I don’t have a future.
Back at diagnosis I was offered egg harvesting which would delay chemo by 5 weeks. Even though I was extremely worried as I had a grade 3 HER2 aggressive tumour, I decided to go for it, as my rationale was that I only wanted to survive if I would then still be able to one day have children, as I knew I’d be completely depressed if the chemo also made me infertile. I only got 8 eggs, which is better than none, and I am grateful for that, even though the odds of a live pregnancy are extremely low, and was told I’d have a much better chance of using a sperm donor and freezing embryos, but declined that option. I also received Zoladex to supress my ovaries during treatment, but my periods are yet to return (my oncologist’s face said it all the other day when I told her that they haven’t returned yet, after 3 months), so I’m imagining that I’ve gone through menopause. Due to my high grade I was only allowed one shot at egg freezing before getting going with chemo, so if I’ve now gone through menopause I can’t even try to self fund a cycle to try and get more.
I’m at the age where I feel so stuck. I don’t have a partner, and am in no place mentally to be dating, as I’ll probably burst into tears over dinner. I also have no libido (went straight away with Zoladex), so there’s really no point is there if I’ve gone through menopause and that won’t return? Ever? It’s so hard to also congratulate friends and family who are all either pregnant or have their families already.
I also, like many others, have an intense fear of recurrence. This also makes me question why on earth I went through IVF, as I’m a high risk for recurrence, so part of me thinks why would I risk it to only possibly go through this again in the future, but also have a young child. My rational head tries to justify that I could have had children already and still get it, like many women, yet, somehow, I feel that I’d be so stupid to even try now that I’ve already seen what cancer does to you and your loved ones. I also feel the same about dating. Why would I (potentially) meet someone and put them through this if/when it comes back? I’m also not going to be much help to them if they want children, so I’m already envisaging so much rejection that I’m probably going to be too scared to put myself through that as I know it’ll make my depression worse.
I find myself on Instagram a lot and can see other women who are so positive and loving life. But they also have partners and families. I live alone and I am alone. I feel awful knowing that others haven’t had favourable responses to treatment and I feel so guilty that I have when they are so desperate for good news. We are so lucky to have free treatment and I’m getting sucked into gofundme stories of women in Canada and the US who are desperate to get some medication to prolong their lives or get into a trial which is their only option. I feel like I’ve been on autopilot and now treatment (aside from the injections) is over I really don’t know what to do. I wasn’t ‘happy’ when my oncologist told me I had the all clear- I didn’t really feel anything, which is ridiculous, I know, but it’s so hard to try and feel happy when I’ve seen so many women online get the all clear and celebrate, to only have it return quickly anyway. Scrolling through these boards is also awful as I read the side effects so many are experiencing, years down the line.
I miss the old me. So much. To the point where I’d give anything to just have one more day feeling happy and normal like I used to before I found the lump. To not have every single day since preoccupied with awful thoughts and anxiety about the future, as I feel screwed either way- whether it comes back, or if it doesn’t and I’ve wasted my time ‘waiting for something to happen.’ I know that happy person is gone. I’m so angry, yet don’t have anymore ‘fight’ in me. I hated people telling me “you’ve got this” and “you’re so brave”. No, I had two options- go through brutal treatment or die. I would have never responded to someone like that as I know they had my best interests and were trying to support me, but sometimes I just felt like screaming when I heard those words.
If you’ve made it through to the end of my pity party, well done. I hope I haven’t upset anyone, I just needed to get it out. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some reassurance that it might get better? It’s helped me to stop crying, so I guess that’s something, and I know it’s still early days. I will be exploring some therapy, but I don’t want to do that over zoom, so that may be some time off yet. Thank you for reading.