Hi ladies,
Reading all of your messages this morning made me cry because I have been feeling the same and it seems only those who have gone through it understand. Also, apologies if this turns into a small novel.
I was diagnosed last February with a grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma. Went through my 6 cycles of chemo from April through July, was hospitalized for a week when I got e. Coli (a takeaway salad nearly took me down), had a single mastectomy and node clearance in August, then finished with radiotherapy last November. I had to go through treatment alone because of covid, as we all have. I had a relationship of 4 years that I thought was stable and he left me mid-chemo.
I remember that last day of radiotherapy. The nurse said “your all done” and I walked out of the room to go get changed, sat in the changing room and cried. No bell ringing, no one to celebrate with. I felt a mix of emotions. There was relief, panic, sadness, and this feeling of being set adrift. I felt shell shocked! But I was the one who made jokes about my situation, tried to make others laugh, and made the most of things through my treatment.
I think what made it worse was that my friends and family acted like it was all over, done and dusted, and now I could just get back to normal. In reality, my body was battered, I felt mentally broken, and now that my focus was no longer on the fight, I had time to really let it all sink in. I have no family here aside from my 22-year-old son, who was a blessing through it all, and my ex-husband, who stepped in and got me to every appointment I had to get to. The rest of my family and friends live in the States. I don’t really have close female companions. I work from home and was a bit of a recluse before covid.
Since then, I have had my good and bad days. I already had fibromyalgia and all of the treatment caused me to have more frequent and painful flareups. I’ve officially started menopause, am tired all of the time, have limited arm/shoulder movement, numbness where the surgery was done, neuropathy in my hands, and have become clumsy as all hell.
What brought me here today was that I had a conversation with a friend about deciding not to have reconstruction done. After talking to the surgeon I found I couldn’t just have a simple implant put in. I would have to have a muscle from the back shifted to the front, skin taken from my abdomen along with some fat to make the breast, and 3 months of downtime. My friend said, “Well what if you decide to start dating again? Having a massive scar and no boob will put people off”. It made me feel like crap. However, I am standing by my decision. I will be 52 in a couple of weeks, have no interest in dating right now because I need to focus on myself, and if someone doesn’t want to be with me because I only have one boob, then they don’t need to be in my life! I have a prosthetic boob…deal with it. Maybe I’ll stick a squeaker in there just to freak people out. It kind of made me spiral a bit because I started thinking about my appearance and how no one would want to be with someone who had all of these medical issues.
Friends and family just don’t get it but you ladies do! The feeling of isolation even when you are with others, having to deal with people who think you should be bouncing right back to your old self after treatment. And even then, I find some ladies who have BC who kind of shame others because they worked through their treatment and exercised daily and are now running a 2k marathon, etc. I get winded just getting my damn knickers on in the morning!
We get good and bad days. It’s ok. It’s normal. Don’t let anyone make you feel like there is something wrong with you because your recovery is different or harder or taking longer. I’ve started cutting negative people out of my life in the past month and it feels good. Sending you all some huge virtual hugs! I wish it could be in person because I honestly miss not having close female buddies who all support each other.
Sherry xx