First Meltdown Day in ages - felt better after it though!
Well I had my fears and anxieties under some control until this week.
I have always accepted that I will need to adapt to a new "normal" and never expected things to be the same as before. I have pain and hard lumps on and near surgical sites that did not really concern me regarding recurrence. They have been checked but I was more concerned about discomfort and lack of softening rather than thinking of recurrence etc.. I still have pains of various sorts through areas of my body that I can attribute to radiotherapy, or chemo or Anasty or Herceptin or Zometa or just life. My breathing capacity has gone down the drain since 3rd chemo and never recovered over the past 16 months or so. Whereas initially optimistic about that maybe improving, I think I need to accept now that it is just the way it is. I am finding this difficult to adapt to as I was very active before.
I have always been told that certain things will improve over time (12 months is usually the time line I have been given). As time goes on, I am seeing no significant changes. I think I would rather have been told at the time that this is probably your lot. Being optimistic is fine but seems to have worn a bit of me away when things haven't changed which then brings me down.
Also for over four weeks now I have had pain going down my leg - possibly "sciatica" but sciatica is a symptom not an condition. Nothing I can pin it down to in terms of an injury etc. Did mention it to BCN when I was visiting her for another reason a couple of weeks ago. She thought it may be musco-skeletal and to go to GP if not cleared up in two weeks. Well sod the GP, I will be going back to the hospital next week. I do not have formal follow ups just a number to ring if concerned. Of course one of the things it says in the follow up book is to be watchful for pains in hip/back etc. regarding secondary spread. It has become another thing to add to the list and affects my physical ability which I could seriously do without.
Anyway a combination of adapting thought processes, reflecting on treatments, Herceptin no 18 due this week and then the leg issue seems to have culminated in Tuesday being a Meltdown Day. Very emotional, frustrated, could not stop the tears. I have not experienced feeling like that for many many months.
I did not want to speak to someone I knew/family as I would have probably freaked them out. I would have also regretted it the next day! I needed a listening, empathetic stranger who could cope with my distress and tears so a chat with the Samaritans was very much appreciated.
I have found the Samaritans really helpful at times - I think people still think you must be feeling suicidal to ring them which is not the case. A listening, objective and empathetic ear available 24 hours a day.
After talking about things, the tears dried up and I felt considerably better. I was a more my usual self the next day. Sometimes you just have to let it all out.