Hi all, I finished active treatment in November 2019 and I can’t shake the fear of the cancer coming back.
i am on anti depressants, mood stabilisers, I have had counselling and I am now having sessions of psychologist.
I need help guys. When does it end.
diagnosis:
7cm tumour
her2+
hormone neg
no node involvement
complete response to chemo
25 at diagnosis- now 26
Dear HannahL,
We are all different and I’m not a psychologist, but I think its common it hits you hardest once active treatment stops. That was certainly the case with me and it took 2 months to adjust to where I was in my ‘journey’. I think we are in constant ‘survival mode’ during diagnosis and treatment, and that can take its toll. My BN was on the ball with this concept, immediately I was diagnosed she warned me I might need 2 to 3 months to recuperate ( mainly emotionally) , get my head around the enormity of what happened and to begin to feel like my old self. Turns out she was right. So although I’m not downplaying what you have said, maybe it’s early days for you and you’ll find time will help. My heart goes out to you, not least because of your age - so young. It is horrible thinking about recurrence, I had to switch channels quickly last night when a scene in a movie reminded me of my treatment. I’m sure you have thought of everything you can do to try to calm your mind; the way that works best for me ( nb I’m a completely different generation) is losing myself in good books, reading whatever takes my fancy, but staying away from medical stuff. Movies? Music you like?
Maggie’s Centre? Have you tried them as regards some alternative therapies, plus other charities. I had to go back to work, but if I hadn’t I could have had endless freebies, massages, facials, manicures you name it. Try Action Cancer too if you fancy that type of thing. As regards when does it end, I guess to a certain degree when you tell ‘it’ to clear off out of your head-space. I KNOW that sounds trite, but gradually with time, I’ve managed to get ‘it’ put in its cage. Can’t say I’ve got as far as putting a padlock on the cage, but at least ‘it’ isn’t constantly running riot in my head.
I’m sure lots of others on this forum will be along soon to support you, you aren’t alone. Sending you a Wonky hug. Wonks X
Hi Hannahlizzy
Am so sorry you are having a tough time. Once all the hospital visits and regular treatments finish there is time to reflect on what has happened and time to think about going forward. The first seems to cloud the latter unfortunately. I found it very difficult that friends and family saw the treatment as finished and looked for me to behave as if I was ‘better’. They had all been so supportive and I am lucky that they let me move at my own pace whilst at the same time not really understanding the fear I had of recurrence.
We all of course have different coping mechanisms and I can’t tell you how to magic your feelings away. I can though tell you how I managed to take control of my feelings in the hope it might give you an option to think about.
I have always thought I do not do well talking about emotions in a group situation but I was advised to attend a Maggies ‘Where Now’ course. It was a group of 10 women all with different types of cancer experiences and comprised of 7 sessions of 2 & half hours long every Wednesday afternoon. It has been so therapeutic being with and taking with others who have similar fears and experiences. We have now finished our sessions and are keeping in touch with a view to meeting up after Xmas - we look at it as our own small support network and are able to talk about and say things we are unable to with others. I know I always left the sessions in higher spirits than I arrived! One of our group had ‘a wobble’ recently and said how good it was not to feel alone. One of the Wed afternoon sessions focused very much on how to cope with the fear of recurrence.
If you don’t have access to a Maggies Center then Macmillan apparently have a similar course and maybe your BCN might be able to point you in the right direction? I think even the NHS are offering these courses but maybe it differs from trust to trust…
The cliche that it gets easier with time sounds lame but trust that it will and in the meantime I hope you find a way forward. Keep posting and taking whatever support you can from here. Sending you a hug xx