I am nearly two years on from my diagnosis (March 2020). I will have a mammogram check in March and I am currently waiting for the results of a bone scan (the surgeon said she thought it would be OK, but best to check - but she would say that, wouldn’t she …). Even if the bone scan is fine, I’ll have to do all this again, waiting for the appointment, waiting for the result, in six weeks’ time. I am always thinking if I can just ‘get through’ this appointment, then ‘get through’ February, then ‘get through’ March … and this is my actual life that is ticking by … Even if the bone scan and the mammogram are clear, I’m always just waiting, ticking off months in which nothing bad happens. It would have helped, of course, if the pandemic hadn’t been happening, because I could have gone on a holiday to mark the end of treatment, but I feel like I’m stuck in the same limbo I’ve been in since my diagnosis, waiting for real life to restart. I don’t feel that I am moving forward from my diagnosis, because I feel like each month that goes by is *more* likely to be the one where I have a recurrence. Of course you wouldn’t have a recurrence literally straight after your treatment, but one year after, two years after … I feel like the diagnosis is closing in on me rather than me moving away from it.
I get this - I really do I am also living in limbo-land.
It’s not so much that I think about cancer (as I don’t) I, just drift from day to day waiting for the next telephone call from an oncologist, surgeon or my 1st mammogram this month after my treatment.
I truly believed that the treatment for my breast cancer would be as bad as it can get - but that for me, was the easy part - it has and is the aftercare (or lack of) putting any pain to the back of my mind, coping with the medication side effects, putting on that ‘I am ok face’ because I refuse to let cancer have house room.
Yes, cancer robs you of so much I get that bit - but I am finding it is the after fallout that leaves the most lasting concerns.
Friends do not help as they assume the end of ‘treatment’ cancer and worries ALL gone.
I used to be so lively, so active these days I feel lost and empty I like you, am trying really hard to discover myself again I hope it happens soon.
Thinking of you and massive hugs
Poppy xx
While it is not the ‘end’ or the ‘solution’ (because my original post was more about the perpetual uncertainty we find ourselves in) I did want to post up to say that the bone scan was clear, as I realise that other people waiting for results will be reading posts like these and wondering what happened to the poster can add to people’s anxiety. Good thoughts to everyone reading these forums and waiting.
So sorry you feel this way but you’ve sort of made me feel less like an absolute nutter!
I also was diagnosed 2020 (February), 1st post treatment mammogram was clear and I was told officially I showed no evidence of disease, from that moment for a fleeting second I felt almost relief and by the time I got to the car park it was as though someone set a stopwatch or timer on my life. In March of that year I had a complex abscess in the breast where cancer was and despite removal this hasn’t healed and I now face a mastectomy as despite several operations my tissue will not heal, I’m still regularly reassured by all of these medical people that there is no cancer, but I’m so disappointed that one thing I promised myself I would do after treatment was live in the moment for the moment, I suppose pandemic hasn’t helped but it just feels like constantly anticipating the next appointment and it fills me with such pain and emotional anxiety. Sorry I’ve not been much help but know your not alone x
Hello Bellis Coldwine, I don’t come on the forum very often these days but just popping back in and noticed your post - particularly about feeling as though a recurrence is getting more likely as time passes. I’ve been told twice now that its actually the opposite. My oncologist said it a couple of years ago, and yesterday the surgeon I saw for a check up said very firmly that “Every day that passes means it is less likely to happen again”. He said that of course it can sometimes happen years down the line, but that by far the most common time for recurrence is the first couple of years. My first diagnosis was in 2014 and I was unlucky enough to have it twice more, but each time was treated and I’m now 3 years clear - and planning to stay that way! It is still early days for you and, like other lovely ladies on here have said, I do believe it gets easier over time. Take care, and try to keep occupied with things you enjoy. Love Mo xx
So well put. I’m not even through chemo yet and all I can do it try to work out how long I’ll have before it comes back. I want to ‘get through’ my kids’ childhood in my mind etc. I think I’ll wake up every day for the rest of my life wondering if this is ‘the day’ I get an obvious symptom.