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Not Coping

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Not Coping

Hours ago, I felt OK. Just out of bath and looking at 'it'. This isn't vanity. I am terrified it will come back. Nothing and no-one seems to be able to convince me. I know this is irrational, but I can't shake the fear off. Please don't tell me about 'the benefits of brocolli' or 'mindfulness tapes'. What I need is a frank conversation about the truth of the impact of BC. How it messes with your head. 

Thank you. Sorry for being so blunt. 

 

 

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Wonks - Yeh. Consenting to what is basically "mutilation", as well as "the world of pain" (you meaning mental, physical, both?)

Yes, it all totally "sucks", to say the least, and IS very frightening, and worrying, both during and afterwards.

I know none of you can see it or feel like it, right now. But I assure you, being so much further on, it does get easier and not your everyday waking thought. Yeh, It all came whooshing back for me, at the 1st annual check. Got me all upset again. Each yearly check up to the last 5th, another reminder, but lesser and lesser of an upset, less of a worry. And I went out and celebrated after the 5th one was "all okay"! It'll still be there, but gradually diminishes and shrinks to a seed size, that gets pushed further and further back from constantly being in your immediate thoughts.

 

But good for you all to have a good moan, rant, shout, screeeam!!! though, Get it all out girls, I say. Whether that be here where we all empathise, or some other safe outlet, preferably somewhere or with someone that isn't going to result in divorce Smiley LOL Heart

Perhaps hospitals should issue everyone with a punchbag to take home. Maybe that's another business venture I should set up, Wonky Smiley Very Happy

 

Hope you're all feeling a bit more "up" and calmer today. xxxxxxx

 

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Lucy51, hi hunbun. I think you have made a very valid point. Regardless of prognosis, and regardless of how we all feel ( in our heads) at any point in a day, the bottom line is the treatment is bleepy bleepy tough! Because it is scary. Nothing being said here, by me or anyone else, about the wonderful people who have treated us, or why they do what they ( have to) do. But it is not easy for us, signing those consent forms, knowing you are voluntarily entering 'a world of pain', which will last for a long time. I'm going to shut up ( keep this one short) but interested to see if anyone comes back on the point raised. Big hug to you Lucy, as indeed to all. X

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@Lucy51 wrote:

Hi Thurnefi, 

i hope you don’t mind me replying. You state the impact of BC has been huge and I can relate to what you say. While I worry about reoccurrence and whether it has actually gone, for me it’s dealing with what’s happened that’s the hardest.

 

I go over everything a lot and little things remind me of moments throughout the last year and I can feel how scared/worried I felt at that time. I saw a friend today who I realised was consciously trying to get me to think about things I’m looking forward to. At the moment my mind is stuck in the last 10 months. I’ve had some counselling but since that ended things have slipped backwards again. It’s really hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. 

Take care of yourself x 


Lucy51

It is so hard to deal with what's happened. Here we are all "in it together" at least. Sending you huge hugs.

xx

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Hi Thurnefi, 

i hope you don’t mind me replying. You state the impact of BC has been huge and I can relate to what you say. While I worry about reoccurrence and whether it has actually gone, for me it’s dealing with what’s happened that’s the hardest.

 

I go over everything a lot and little things remind me of moments throughout the last year and I can feel how scared/worried I felt at that time. I saw a friend today who I realised was consciously trying to get me to think about things I’m looking forward to. At the moment my mind is stuck in the last 10 months. I’ve had some counselling but since that ended things have slipped backwards again. It’s really hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. 

Take care of yourself x 

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Hi Wonky, 

only just seen your post, I’m sorry you were having a tough day, I hope things are a little better today. 

I think eventually things will improve but it isn’t going to be a quick process. I don’t have anything useful to add to what has been said, (if I did I’d fix myself!) but didn’t want to ignore your post xx 

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A quick (?!) P.s. Wonky.

I think Jaybro's and Evie's "don't be so hard on yourself", was probably more of a "You're perhaps expecting too much of yourself too soon"?

Hope you're having a better day, sweetie

Lotsa xxxx's  

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Darlin Wonks

Your initial message said "Hours ago I felt ok, until . . I started "looking" at it".

But, perhaps, right now, that's part of the problem - looking at it? You're still in very early stages, you've had a massive shock to cope with. Perhaps try avoiding looking at it, whilst you give your head/mind more of a chance to get round it and heal from it all, without the visuals, if its upsetting you so much. In a while you may feel happier to look again, and it not be a trigger to upset? At the moment, it's a constant reminder, which then goes on to fuel your fears of it coming back. Vicious cycle? I think it's much about "time" and "training" your mind away from it, onto other things.

Don't know about PTSD.

I'm 13 yrs on. It honestly does start migrating from being your immediate waking thought, to the rear of your head. Becomes a small "seed", that's still there, and not in your face/on your mind a lot of the time! 

After my 1st mast, I "coped" with "looking" at myself - didn't like it much, certainly didn't stare n scrutinise. But "loved" the boob I had left!

2nd mast, I just stopped looking. Avoided it. It helped. Reached a point where I then didn't mind to look as much, but still didn't stand, stare and scrutinise for prolonged periods. Just  got dressed!

May be worth a try for a while. If you're not working, you need to keep your mind occupied with something, 'cos right now you're dwelling on it all.

Hope that may be of some help.

Lots of love x x x

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Hi Thurnefi. It's not that I don't want to share my thoughts on the forum ( its a great platform and there are amazing people on it), but because you seem to have 'chimed with me' on some specifics, I'm going with the PM.

X

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@Wonky wrote:

Hours ago, I felt OK. Just out of bath and looking at 'it'. This isn't vanity. I am terrified it will come back. Nothing and no-one seems to be able to convince me. I know this is irrational, but I can't shake the fear off. Please don't tell me about 'the benefits of brocolli' or 'mindfulness tapes'. What I need is a frank conversation about the truth of the impact of BC. How it messes with your head. 

Thank you. Sorry for being so blunt. 

 

 


Hello, Wonky

I am so sorry to read your post.  I am happy to have a frank conversation with you (here or by message) about the impact of BC on me.  Which is huge.  I have posted elsewhere that it is the first thing I think of, the last thing I think of, and the thing that wakes me up, when I do finally get to sleep, and then I move onto my "painful" (!) side and it all floods back in.  I too feel so anxious about it coming back, or spreading.  I have used your exact phrase to others, about the messing with your head impact being massive.

Sending hugs and an invitation to have a conversation, no broccoli and no mindfuless 😉

xx

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Hi Wonky - I just read your first message and didn’t want to read and go past, but I’m not quite sure what to suggest to you. Jaybro always has good advice, so I’d give her idea of speaking to your BCN a go. You too always give great advice to others on here - so perhaps imagine that you are giving advice to yourself, what would you say to a friend who had sent that post? (Does that make any sense?)

 

There is nothing wrong with staying in your house and reading and doing other things that you enjoy. Your body/mind is clearly telling you that it just needs some time to heal, so don’t be hard on yourself if that is what you want to do right now.

 

I’m sending you a big virtual hug. 

Evie xx

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Hey there Jaybro!

No Africa isn't booked, I rallied but the fear took hold, again. Past life I guess; new life is wondering about broccoli (not!) and more specifically 'it'.

I have no desire these days, to leave the comfort of my home. This is where I feel safe & secure. 

Finished book about Freda Khalo - inspiring read.

The chat with BC Nurse yesterday was enough to be going on with (different thread). That's 'slowly sinking in' and tbh I think I do pretty well, all things considered.

But, as said, I can't shake off the fear of recurrence. Possibly this is Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Who knows; I'm not rushing to any conclusions.

Hard on myself? Ouch my darlin, this is all about how hard Mr Cancer has been hard on me! But you are forgiven as I both respect and care for you.

I will get through this, but at present time the forum is very important to me.

Sincerely hoping you and TMD are doing well.

Wonks. X

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Hi Wonky

 

None of the usual routes is working so how about booking a lengthy appointment with your/a breast care nurse and having that frank conversation? You won’t be the first who’s experienced this. Mine achieved miracles with me, mostly by email.

 

Is Africa booked?

 

I’m a great fan of broccoli. Does that mean I’m getting something right in this bloody aftercare business?

Take care and stop being so hard on yourself xx