Today marks exactly one year from when I got NED status confirmed. I wanted to share this on the Forum as it is a place where people understand what those affected by cancer are going through.
I finished active treatment at the end of July and I feel a mixture of deep gratitude, fear, grief and, from somewhere, a determination (which sometimes wavers I am afraid to say) to be mentally strong in a mind game that never really stops. Perhaps it’s still early days, but I fear my body whilst trying to remember that at my last oncology appointment, the doctor said I had to learn to “train my brain” to not think of cancer all the time and to live life. After initial uncertainty over whether it would be useful to me, I am now on the waiting list for counselling and I hope this will help me to move forward a little more. I think talking it out might help.
I have found deep breathing, music, seeing the beauty of nature, aromatherapy and TRYING not to stress too much to be good, and I could open a library of Mindfulness and Self Care books!
My beloved 6 year old son, Tierney, is my driving force and he makes me feel love and fear, both of which can be overwhelming sometimes. Tomorrow myself, my partner Sean and Tierney are going to mark this significant date (I wouldn’t say “celebrate” as such) by treating ourselves to a yummy and naughty dessert after a meal at a pub we regularly go to. It is a small thing, but it is important.
Anyway, today’s date, along with some others, is burnt into my brain, and I felt I wanted to just express these thoughts here on the Forum, which has been a great source of comfort and reassurance to me. Thank you. I am very grateful.
Congratulations - and my admiration for your positive slant on things. I was in a zombie haze but I think my official NED anniversary comes in January when the adjuvant oncology nurse mentioned it in passing. My husband says my surgeon said I was cancer-free straight after surgery but, with chemo looming, I couldn’t have given a toss. My first chemo was Christmas Eve and we shall raise a toast then. Hateful though it became, it was a life-saver!
I empathise (hate that word but there’s no alternative) with your doubts. I am only slowly beginning to understand how cancer takes its hold on our psychological wellbeing but I’ve found this article very useful. It was posted by one of the nurses here and I’ve asked the site manager to flag it up for all of us : workingwithcancer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/After-the-treatment-finishes-then-what.pdf
The insight into our dilemma is excellent and it bears repeated reading for reassurance that it’s more or less over, done and dusted, time to move on without being dragged down by the dreaded What If?
My husband, who has never talked about feelings in his life, has taken up the cancer-relegated counselling as he was obsessing about my health and is truly benefiting. He says go for it! I can recommend some ‘videos’ on YouTube which have served me well. Progressive Hypnosis (Manifest Healing), Michael Sealey and Good Vibes. Just plus in your earbuds and away with the fairies…but repeated listening certainly does embed a level of confidence that things are/can be ok.
I wish you all the best for a positive future - a new decade
Louise, enjoy that pudding - have extras, you deserve it. Really uplifting post, thank you. I am a month behind you but have realised it is far easier if you focus on fun and happiness as they fill up your thoughts, leaving less room for the scary ones. It’s almost a project in itself to, as your onc says ‘train yourself’, to think differently after all those months of being in ‘survival mode’. Christmas has been great timing for me as I have thrown myself into it this year ( ex-grinch) and spared no expense with little treats & luxuries for everyone who supported me. A few treats for myself too ;). Best wishes, Wonky
Hi Louise - I know we have chatted in the past, and I am so pleased to read such a positive and uplifting post from you today. Your post will give hope and inspiration to others for ways to cope too. I’d be really interested to hear any of your mindfulness/self care books that you particularly recommend?
I hope you have a wonderful evening out with Sean and Tierney tomorrow - that dessert is going to taste even better than usual!
