Rollercoaster Emotions

Life after a breast cancer diagnosis Coping with fear and anxiety
1

Hi,
Diagnosed at the end of December, so brought the new year in wondering what the heck just happened to my life.

Like many of you , I’m the one who doesn’t smoke or drink. Never have. Love cooking so no microwave meals for me, keep fit and very interested in life .Yet, there I was standing in a little office with the radiologist ,being handed my mammogram and biopsy results as he told me ‘They’ve found some cells and they’re not good.’

We moved to France a year ago so I then had to translate for my other half who’d come with me. 10 minutes after we went into the office, we were out again .

That was on a Friday. Bizarrely, during the weekend that followed I felt a sense of relief at knowing what this ‘thing’ is . Then on Monday, the rawness if the news began to sink in. After my shower I looked at my body in the bathroom mirror and all I could think was ‘ What the f*ck just happened?’

Two weeks ago I had a lumpectomy, so my new scar is there to remind of exactly what happened. Chemo to follow. Oh joy of joys!!

I’ve read through a number of your posts and like so many of you I’m on the good day/ heartbreak emotional rollercoaster. Every medical appointment now is a source of stress. Especially for someone whose rarely been ill in her life.

Me being me I went online and started researching. The misery of the seemingly endless doom and gloom.The statistics.More gloom , more doom.

Although I’ve found some really heartening stuff which I’m following through on (diet etc) I’ve now decided to step back from ‘researching ‘. These last couple of days , when I’ve been sitting calmly, feeling quite chipper, I start reading more’stuff’ , soon after I start reading, out of nowhere my body going into full blown anxiety mode.

It distresses me. I’ve always been Ms Strong & Resilient-Take No Bullsh*t. Panic , me?! Never! Yet here I am doing exactly that

I’m p*ssed off - at myself , at my body , at this thing called cancer that is now in my life.

I know I should be easier on myself, I know that I shouldn’t be panicking as I do . All the medics I’ve met here have been great and the system they have here seems incredibly efficient.

So ,why am I on such an emotional rollercoaster? Anyone else , newly diagnosed in this same place? Those of you who been here , what helped you through the most?

I’m committed to being positive, but there are moments when it’s hard.

2

Hi Ocean,
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you’ve had the shock of a diagnosis only recently & what you describe is common to most of us here.
In the early days, the uncertainty is so hard to handle, as the mind goes into overdive on all the ‘what ifs’ & unfortunately, googling it all only heightens anxiety. Please bear in mind that the vast majority of us do get through it all ok & the stats are based on patient outcomes that are 10-20 years old, so it does not reflect the current picture or is relevant to you specifically.
Tbh, I avoided google like the plague when first diagnosed, as I was scared about what I would find, so relied on the team. In hindsight, I’m glad I did. There is a time & place for it, but google does not necessarily help in the early days.
We are all allowed to have bad days, so sometimes it can help just to go with, it does pass.
Do take care, it does get better
ann x