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Scanxiety....

7 REPLIES 7
anitajane
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi Rosienash

Thank you for your note, it's reassuring to know we all go through this in an odd way if you know what I mean!  Kept myself busy over the weekend stacking logs and several hours whilst singing along out loud to an apple playlist from the year I was born, 1963!

I then cooked a roast dinner for my parents who are both in their 80s yesterday - that was the first roast dinner this year and OMG I had completely forgotten all the co-ordination and timings that are so critical - it was like a military operation!  Anyway, there was no time to worry and I am going to focus on work today and hopefully ride this wave through to another clear result 🤞.  PS the lunch was a success thankfully!

Thanks again for your note, take care Anita x

rosienash
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi Anitajane,

I can totally relate to this. I was diagnosed with BC in July 2019. The first yr mammogram I didn’t feel worried but this time round I had a lot more anxiety leading up to the scan. And then the long wait for the results. And then I worry that maybe they missed something anyway as my BC didn’t show up on 2 mammograms. I also find that any ache and pain I worry it’s back. I do have to keep giving myself a talking to but I think the anxiety will always be there to some degree. I was speaking to a friend yesterday, who had BC in 2008 and she told me she still worries but I’m trying to park these thoughts and move on, but it is hard. Hope your scan goes ok x

delly
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi again, @anitajane 

Your relationship to it being like a "balloon" is such an interesting, true and very poignant similarity. I'm soo gunning for you on your appointment next week, hoping an "all clear" for you.

DO let us know, will you.

Sending Lots of love and positive thoughts,  Dellypoos x❤️

anitajane
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi Delly

Lovely to hear from you. We’ve definitely crossed paths.  Just watching Stand Up to Cancer.  What a cruel lottery a cancer diagnosis is. 

I got my head down with work this week to stop over thinking my mammogram next week. 

Trying to stay positive but it’s not easy and I feel for everyone on this forum who have had to ride this rollercoaster when none of us bought a ticket. 

Sending hugs to all, stay safe

Anita xxx

delly
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi @anitajane  -  I think you and I have crossed paths before on this wonderful forum through the years.

I can so relate to your anxiety. It's sooo blummin hard, isn't it. I remember feeling, before yearly checks, "It's great that they're keeping an eye on me", but it throws you into a bit of a spin, when you'd just gotten more "settled" with it all. Tends to churn up the worries again. So, I think it only natural to feel anxious again.

I'm not wishing to scaremonger, but after my first mast and ANC, in 2006, I found another small lump on the other side, just before my 1st annual check up. I have to stress, that it was a "new" primary, so was UNrelated to the first, and not due to spread from. A huge shock!  But girl, was I soo glad of that check-up, because it was found very early on, and dealt with very quickly by another mast and ANC. Did NOT expect that at all, as I'd bounced back really well after my first, and remained positive. It "does" happen, but fortunately not very often though. That's another point I'm stressing. Attended yearly checks for 5 yrs following. Went through what you are doing each time - fllippin REMINDERS. But at the same time, soo glad that they were being done!

Made a point of keeping myself and mind occupied and distracted with cheerful things (videos/comedy tv), treats, and cheerful company beforehand. Rally all your friends and family round before then, to help to keep you distracted and "UP". Don't know what I'd have done without mine and their support.

Took up to my 5th year, and being "signed off" so to speak, to finally breathe a sigh of relief, and eventually settle it to the "back" of my mind. Haven't had any further problems, since 2007. But am always vigilant to have anything out of the ordinary checked out soon, rather than leaving for any length and getting paranoid. Helps that my GP bears my prior BC in mind, so is also vigilant.

So, yeh, do anything and everything to occupy and distract yourself. Not long now till next week.

I sooo hope your understandable fears are found to be completely unfounded, anitajane. For another year, until the next flippin "reminder" that is.

Sending you love and best wishes for GOOD results

Delly   x❤️

      

anitajane
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Thank you Jaybro for your lovely message, it has definitely helped to put things into perspective and I'm going to try and put my anxiety in a box.

Someone once described a cancer diagnosis to me as like having a balloon tethered to you for the rest of your life.  Sometimes it's bobbing around way up in space with the stars and not bothering you at all, sometimes it's bobbing around right in front of your face.  Either way it's never not going to be part of our lives as we can never unhear that diagnosis.

I haven't given up examining my breasts between mammograms but I never felt or found the tumour that was picked up on a planned mammogram and since the surgery, even though it was 4 years ago, the breast that was operated on feels akin to the surface of the moon!  I can't believe it's still tender to touch after all this time!  I would never be able to tell if there was something going on so rely totally on the annual scan to identify anything to be honest.

Thank you very much for your support, take care of yourself, Anita xx

 

Jaybro
Member

Re: Scanxiety....

Hi Anita

First of all, rid yourself of that idea that you were luckier than others and therefore have no right to feel as you do. I have secondary and triple negative bc after just 18months of peace of mind and I don’t think you’re any less worthy of these feelings. A breast cancer diagnosis is appalling and having it hanging over us like the sword of Damocles is hard work.

I can’t come up with any strategies for you except to ask if there is any reason this time is different. Have you been dutifully examining your breasts? Is there any physical symptom? For me, the interesting thing was your very last comment about parking your fears. I have scans every 3 months and have that long wait for results.I have to attend oncology clinic every three weeks and get my blood results (doing well). I’ve also learnt about the difficulties of treating my kind of bc and parking is exactly how I get by. It’s like I have a little box in my head where anything that doesn’t bear thinking about is parked. I’ll deal with it when I have to. It takes a bit of concentration at first - bad thought - not going to think about it - shove it in the box.

I wish you all the best with your mammogram. One of the good things about being on lifelong chemo is I no longer have to have that annual mammogram, the thought of which would make me feel ill. So I do understand how you feel.  But what can you do about it? Not go is foolish (I’ve tried that one lol). Fretting is a waste of time. Park it and enjoy your life if you can.

Take care xx

anitajane
Member

Scanxiety....

I've not been on this forum for a couple of years now and it's so lovely to see it's still here, such a relief to find ladies to share our darkest thoughts, fears and hopes with.  I'm so sorry I've not checked in to offer my support to other ladies for so long, I used to and then I guess life just moves along and you find a new normal...

I've got my 4 year mammogram next Tuesday at The Royal Marsden.  I always start to get stressed when September moves into October, the rest of the year my fears are never far away but they don't interfere with me getting on with life - it is there to be lived after all isn't it!

For some reason this year I have an awful sense of foreboding washing over me.  I don't know why but a little voice inside my head is suggesting an outcome of my scan that I don't want to even think about.  It's affecting my sleep, my relationship a little as I'm a bit snappy (with a very understanding partner) and I'm struggling to concentrate on my work which is very full-on.

Today I feel really lonely.  I've decided to work from home as I don't want to put a smiley face on but I'm struggling to focus and I don't know what to do to distract myself otherwise it's going to be a very long couple of weeks to my scan and then waiting for the result....

I also feel like I should bloomin well snap out of it, that I should be grateful my BC journey was so much easier than so many other ladies.  An early diagnosis from regular screening with a lumpectomy and 20 rounds of radiotherapy back in 2017 with 5 years of Letrozole to follow - what have I got to moan about?!!

If anyone has some good ideas to help me get back on with my life (and park my fears) that would be much appreciated.

Thank you, Anita