Dear OldSpice60
Join the band of women who just despair over husbands who just 'don't get it'. It's either because they are scared of us being unwell, which I believe it is partly, or they don't like the bl**ding obvious pointed out to them, that they SHOULD look at our situations and CHANGE their ways?
My theory is, that years and years ago, women suffered in silence, and it wasn't the done thing to criticise the old man. Well the gloves for that came off a long time. I discovered many years back that if I dropped my guard - selectively of course, not with just anyone who care to listen - that most of my acquaintances were struggling with the men in their lives.
I'm 63, been in this second marriage for 25+ years ( I know, second marriage, duh !! ) and this old man sees every request to 'change a bit' equated with ' being told what to do '. Yes he has had his own cancer issues for many years, and boy oh boy have I adapted to those years, that were then followed by his heart surgery.
Well if you think my BC diagnosed in March, surgery for WLE/axillary node clearance in May, followed by 15+5booster radiotherapy zapps has made the slightest difference to his life? Not a jot. In his head, he thinks he's been a rock, hahahaha. In reality, he is the last person I would ever have depended on in a crisis. ( I am embracing being anonymously honest here! ). My older sister, my closest friends, past friends - I have lost count of how many of us have never experienced true warmth and empathy over situations in our lives.
If I read correctly, you are having to still work re: pension. Well embrace time for yourself whenever you need to - because YOU matter, and YOU count, and your old man is not your doctor to tell you how you are.
I walk a lot - I prefer to be out of the house rather than in it, lol ( husband still involved in family business at 65 BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO BE ), and this house needs a zillion things done, beyond what I am capable of. He doesn't want to do it. No excuses will ever be good enough. He doesn't want to do it.
I go to the park, I talk to so many people I have met just by walking and feeding the ducks and squirrels, I sit in Starbucks with a book or do a crossword, I go in and out doing the shopping as I can't carry heavy stuff on right side now - and yes, I regularly still try to talk to him, and every time I try, I wonder why I bother.
My biggest nightmare would be to be immobile!! I have 3 grown up kids, the youngest at 23 (our son) still lives at home, and I try to encourage him to move on, not just physically, away from here, because it is not a good environment for him.
I hope you can get some counselling if you feel it would do you good, it most likely will, especially if you don't have anyone who you can really open up with? ( I have almost seen relief on peoples' faces when I have mentioned something in my relationship, and they realise they are not alone in what goes in at home ).
I live in London, so I am very lucky in having good access to transport and places to go. Very lucky. London is way to busy and noisy and fast for some, but I have lived around this area all my life.
I have really prattled on, but I want you to know that you are so not alone in the husband/OH stakes - when I read of the lovely ladies on here with wonderful hubbies, I am so happy for them, it must be fab.
I'll tell you something a bit funny. As I have got older, I will pretty much talk to anyone. Some years back, I was on a London bus going home with my shopping. In the side seats were a very elderly couple - and boy was he moaning on and on, and she was looking embarrassed and uncomfortable. From their interraction, it became clear that he had sat himself on some chewing gum, it was now stuck to his raincoat, and he was in full whinge. And she was quietly trying to appease him and say we can sort it when we get home. I intervened, and he didn't like it one bit. I said to the wife " best thing is to put it in the freezer isn't it, then it comes off much more easily " and she said yes,yes we can do that when we get home. And I looked straight at her, with him glaring at me out of the corner of my eye, and said to her " Don't forget to take the coat off him first though ". She laughed, a lot, very quietly. He glared at me. My job was done.
Hugs aplenty, I'm sure you've fallen asleep by now xx
