I can understand your feelings, although I haven’t experienced something like it. What I did wonder was if this article might be helpful to you. It’s something one of the nurses posted once and the writer seems to understand just how complex the emotional experience of cancer is. I used to read it almost daily to keep me grounded but I still read it occasionally even though I know exactly what he says. It’s a handy reminder. Maybe it will have something of use to you.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Jan 2018 and finished treatment in July 2018 so just coming up for my second anniversary. I felt like I dealt with my diagnosis and treatment very well and I did the relevant breast cancer now courses to make sure I was in a good place. I lost one of my best friends to a different type of cancer earlier this year and leading up to my 2nd anniversary I feel so teary and anxious. I know this is grief for my friend but also feels more than that. Has anyone else had anything similar? Thanks.