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Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

16 REPLIES 16
Lucy51
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

 
Wonky
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi SeaB, 

I think Lucy was making a personal observation, that she didn't imagine how hard it can be; rather than referring to yourself, specifically. 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your disappointment as regards job opportunity. Fascinated about your ceramics hobby, do you have a potters wheel? Are you really Demi Moore? Just a little joke 🙂 to cheer you up. Wonks. 

Seabreeze
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi Lucy,

 

I'm sure you didn't intend to, but please don't make such assumptions about me, "struggling after treatment is really hard, much harder than you can imagine", particularly when I have been trying to help and be supportive. I feel your line is quite unfair. Do you really know my journey and/or what I can imagine?  

 

All of our journeys are individual, though share some common themes. My journey had some big dips along the route, partner's sister dying of secondary cancer from a highly aggressive lung cancer days before my 1st operation (partner travelling to the other side of the world to look after her children since their father also had cancer), me feeling I couldn't complain and that I was lucky to be able to have treatment which should work (unlike her situation where it was about extending by months), allergy to the prosthesis, a reported highly suspicious secondary scare where my oncologist grabbed my hand and told me to prepare for the worst.....and that's not even the half of it! I don't want to go into the details, nor would it be appropriate to do so here.

 

Yes my chances of recurrence have reduced with time passing from diagnosis, I have accepted there will always be a small element of not knowing for sure, I have mostly accepted some life changes, recognised the very positive benefits of really opening my eyes to seeing small elements of everyday beauty, and trying to break down perceptions of some people who do not understand cancer, so that it becomes more of a day to day matter......to help all of us and those in the future who find themselves undergoing treatment for, living after, or with cancer. 

 

While I do feel I have accepted much of it, which does take time (the medical staff kept saying it for at least 6 months, possibly longer), I do still have the occasional moment. I'm probably still a tad sensitive since I had an interview for a director post lined up for last week, and felt I had no option but to withdraw since I realised there was no way they would consider part-time and every time I get flu or chest infections (which I'm currently recovering from) I find they drag on so long that when I'm back at work I need 3 day weekends to recover enough to keep work going the next week (and so on), let alone to be able to see anyone outside work (I live separately but nearby to my partner). The timing of Tamoxifen for 10 years, overlapping with last chances to have children was (and at times continues to be) hard. I've never had nieces, nephews, cousins or known uncles, aunts or had grandparents....so sometimes feel bit of a family void in my life. I know no-one has it all and am appreciative of good friends and my partner!

 

So please, please don't make assumptions about what other people have been though during/after treatment or what they can imagine.    

 

Just give yourself time, be kind and compassionate to yourself if/when you start feeling frustrated that you are not coping, if you feel you should be doing more, or if/when you are feeling tired....

Getting frustrated or beating oneself up about any such items just takes precious energy and/or causes stress.....so one day at a time, go with it, as time passes remember the risks reduce.

 

Try to identify and do more of the things that help act as a release, feed the soul, or pick you up when you are on a dip....for me that's the garden, ceramics (if I ever achieve my aspiration of achieving the right life/work balance!), a good walk, and breaking down barriers and perceptions re cancer, and even helping others on the forum, as a way of giving back.   

 

I hope the last paragraphs help in some way. Don't set a timeline for acceptance, just be kind to yourself and go with it.

 

And sorry for my slight release above, I'm sure you just didn't mean it. Think I'm a tad raw about an opportunity for a post that pre-cancer I would have jumped at!  

  

Seabreeze X

Wonky
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Such a wonderfully thoughtful and  kind post , thank you darlin. Wonks X  

Lucy51
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

 
Lucy51
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

 
Wonky
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Thank you Jaybro. X

Jaybro
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Oh Wonky

 

I must have just missed you last night because I did pop in late. I’m sorry you’re having a wobble but everyone’s explained it and given you great advice. I will only back it up - be kind to yourself. We’re all vulnerable to wobbles and flashbacks are horrid. I went back today to see the physio. I couldn’t understand why I felt quite sick the whole time - now it’s obvious: I hated being back there. Back again next week for clinic because, feeling sick or not, I know it’s important to be monitored. And so do you!

 

Love to the cat (she’s worth your weight in gold) and to you xx

Seabreeze
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi Wonky,

 

I'll message you...sounds like something else is going on for you to have such a strong response to hospitals.

 

Seabreeze

Wonky
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Thanks Sea breeze, but don't underestimate just how panic stricken I get in hospitals. The whole six months was a 'feast' of nearly passing out, actually passing out, acute nausea and panic attacks. Epic stuff. NHS staff were fantastic but I wasn't exactly an easy patient. I could go into detail but think that would be selfish as I'm conscious of upsetting newly diagnosed ladies on here. So I think best to close the thread and ponder if I should decline further 'treatment' in private.

 

Seabreeze
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi Wonky,

 

I can imagine some kitten therapy would help. 

 

Re the flashback and being frightened - I presume that was quite early on during diagnosis/treatment? I'm sure you know this.....you've got through the main treatment, lump removed, been zapped....your hospital visits going forward are to monitor and check....you've done the hard bit... though I know feeling about checkups, it can remind us.

 

Is there something nice you can do after your visit to the hospital, walk part of the way home, pick up a special treat to eat from somewhere....  or even see if a friend is free to go with you if you think it may help? 

 

Seabreeze   

Wonky
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi all. Have taken to my bed with the cat and a good book and feel better. I think it was the letter from the hospital (check up) which set me off as I hated every visit and found them all distressing. Really vivid flashback of one particular day where I was so frightened I nearly passed out.  Seriously thinking of saying thanks but no thanks, don't want to do this 'being a cancer patient' thing anymore. 

Seabreeze
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi Evie,

 

Thank you - very nice of you to say so.

 

A chap posted a few times over the past few months in the supporting a partner section. Clearly putting himself through a mangle since he wanted to provide optimal support to his partner, felt he wasn't, when  ironically it sounded like he was doing a great job already! Interestingly he said a counsellor had told him people's response to diagnosis of cancer can be similar to that of grieving (it's sometimes mentioned re redundancy too), denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in any particular order, and quite often jumping around from one min to the next.

 

It's an interesting way of looking at it. I think some of us believe we have lept straight to acceptance (after the initial shock) and go to our appointments, try to look after ourselves and keep as zen like as possible. However it's often when we are much further on we really comprehend what happened, more in hindsight, if that makes any sense! Hence the lines of, it's still early days, one day at a time and being kind and compassionate to yourself make a lot of sense.

 

Seabreeze x             

Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Great message Seabreeze. One we can all refer to when we have a wobble. Xx

Seabreeze
Member

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Hi Wonky,

 

You are still so close time-wise to active treatment, it's natural to have a little wobble now. Plus at night our minds do sometimes spin off about all sorts. I remember medical staff kept telling me "it's early days" when I was thinking, what are you talking about, I've finished x, y, z treatments. Looking back I now know what they mean! I think sometimes we can be so busy going with it, through diagnosis and treatment, being positive and all the rest, that the full significance of what we've actually had only really sinks in later on.

 

I hope you got back to sleep and are feeling less panicky this morning. Was it a specific element or fear or more the general enormity of bc feeling?   

 

Be kind and compassionate to yourself - try and do some things which feed and settle your soul this weekend. Have you tried mindfulness? It can sometimes help calm a tad when having a wobble. 

 

Seabreeze

Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

Sorry Wonky I wasn’t awake when you messaged but I am now if you’d like to talk? I’m sending you big hugs to start with. 
Evie xx

Wonky
Member

Was doing so well but have just had a huge wobble.

I've been really 'positive' for weeks and had a lovely day/night. But then BAM a huge 'flashback' and I'm now back to crying and panic. It's torture. Anyone awake on here I can talk to?