What exactly is a positive attitude ?

[Shannah]

Good morning all.

Apologies- long post - I seem to have offloaded ! 

I was diagnosed with Lobular Breast Cancer in November… because of Christmas and New Year and unfortunately a broken MRI - things have moved very very slowly.

I had a CT scan on 9th December but sadly results were not available till everyone returned back to normal January 9th.

In that period I carried on as normal- I haven’t taken a sick day from work which as Cabin Crew is customer facing and demanding with odd long hours etc - I love it and have been Crew on and off for 30 years - absolutely do it to relax! I continued to organise prepare Christmas etc put Christmas away …look after 3 kids of which 2 are in 20’s and are worse than younger children because they are capable of helping but are selfish …especially over a party period (,however I need them to relax and enjoy - ironically ) everything else shopping/ laundry etc as is normal in every household! Husband works away Monday to Friday so I fly solo as such during week.

All of the above and life ticked over whilst I was under huge scan anxiety

On Monday 9th January 2nd attempt at MRI - no issue was as expected emotionally slightly upsetting but no drama. Afterwards I received a call from my BCN cancelling my appointment with Consultant on 10th to give me the much waited CT results because she was delighted to tell me that CT was clear of any evidence of secondary Cancer anywhere else.

BOOM - I was DELIGHTED!! I instantly felt the dread lift and smiled properly for time in ages… danced around kitchen and knew this was now an experience that I was going to kick into touch !!

This lasted a few days until a conversation - 

During which I was talking about sporting events that are due to happen in the summer and about being there as a parent of a competitor and maybe using these events to help raise awareness for BC.

The reply …

Well that will only work if you have a Postive Attitude- if you are able to control the emotions that you’ve  experienced with BC.

Instantly it was a kick in the gut… it brought me right back to the tears. Held responsible for emotions that I had tried to put behind me.

What exactly us a Positive attitude- it’s almost as if I don’t demonstrate any aspect of what I am experiencing then it’s postive and therefore easier for my immediate family.

I know this is awful on everyone I know I have shown emotions that my family have never witnessed and God how I wish it wasn’t the case !! 

Has anyone experienced this - truly believed they were coping doing well in fact - doing well - only to made to feel that actually you draining everyone.

Thanks - maybe just writing it down will help me shake it off …

Smile & Wave  

[adoptedmanc]

Hello @Shannah  

Who on earth had the audacity to say “that will only happen if you have a positive mental attitude”??? Err I’m guessing not someone who has had breast cancer themselves?

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to handle a diagnosis, there is no such thing as a breast cancer “warrior” all that that there is is individual ladies dealing with life and the curve ball it has thrown at them and how each of us is affected by the disease is what matters. 

Having said that (however!) pretty much every lady (or man!) that is diagnosed with breast cancer will talk about a rollercoaster of emotions and how you can find yourself feeling on top of the world and then come crashing down the next day. A cancer diagnosis is like nothing else in life: personally I thought life had thrown the worst thing it could throw at me when my dad died in tragic circumstances when I was 13 so a tiny breast cancer tumour wasn’t something that was going to stop me, it’s true I “held it together” until around six weeks after my surgery and fell off an emotional cliff. At that point I hadn’t spoken to anyone who had actually had breast cancer, nor was I part of this fabulous online community it has made all the difference to me. 
If you want advice ignore the unwanted judgement on how you live your life and are dealing with your diagnosis, but be prepared for days where you feel rubbish both physically and mentally and “let them happen” the sunnier days will reappear and you absolutely will be able to enjoy the summer and whatever you want to do when it comes!

Don’t be afraid to pop back on here whenever you want the difference between us and the naysayer is “we know” 

Good luck with your treatment when it starts, I have a friend who has had a similar diagnosis and timeline on her diagnosis and scans etc and was only given her surgery date this week

lots of love

AM xxx

[Shi]

Shannah you will experience people who engage gob before their brain when they speak to you, they just don’t think about the impact their words can have on you and really don’t mean to upset you they think they are helping to keep you upbeat and positive occasionally you might get someone who appears to take delight in wanting you to relive the who thing from moment of diagnosis. You just do everything your way, you do what you have to do to macerena your way through step by step we’re all here and please use all that bcn can offer with all its services. Our immediate response is to protect family and friends and again you share with them how you want there are no right or wrongs you put you first for a bit you are still fabulous you at the time I was diagnosed a friend said to me positive mental attitude and when they said that to me it made me determined to turn everything into a positive, was going to loose my hair to chemo so sent it to little Princess trust, wore tinsel wigs over Christmas just because I could while going through chemo. You will find your drum beat Shannah and the rollercoaster of emotions can be quite a ride hang on you are stronger than you know we’re here bcn has got you, use everything as much or as little as you need do everything your way what’s right for you, because that’s all any of us have done and are doing. Hope that helps a bit and I know others will pop on too with Shi xx

[Helen_B_1]

Hi Shannah,

I was in a similar position to you a year ago. November diagnosis, delayed mri appointment, wait until Jan for op etc. Like you,  I held it all in over Christmas and new year, so as to not trouble the family, to the extent of having a TIA 4 days after the op (I’m 69, overweight, high bp, at risk anyway) Then loved ones who were/are scared for me telling me to have a positive attitude!!!

Now my reply would be that some days I am POSITIVE that I feel like   Some days I am POSITIVE I’m angry at cancer and all it has taken from me (parents, brother, friends) Most days I’m POSITIVE I have good life with family and friends who love me. Some days I’m POSITIVE I have no idea how I feel about anything. 

I understand why the phrase is so often used, folk don’t know what else to say half the time. Hugs are much better in my opinion!

Btw, going back for my first follow-up mammogram (quick, cos only 1 side to do) this week,  I had  collywobbles for 3 days before. All went smoothly, and my nerves immediately settled down. 

This forum, and everything BCN offers have been a huge help and comfort to me over the last year.  Do use the site, ring up, whatever. Everyone is there to support you. 

Wishing you all the very best for your treatments, and recovery. 

Big gentle hugs, Helen B

[Bellis_Coldwine]

@Shannah  

First off, I’m sorry you had that experience. Second off, I’ll link to a piece by Jane Clark on this topic which I’ve found really useful - futuredreams.org.uk/get-support/moving-forward-16-on-being-positive-and-thinking-positive/. There are a series of very good pieces by her on the Future Dreams website but it’s a difficult site to navigate around and I had trouble finding them even though I knew they were there! To read others, it might be easier to Google ‘Jane Clark Future Dreams …’

I think the whole notion of ‘positivity’ is a massive problem. As the Clark piece suggests, there seems to have become this idea that ‘being positive’ is something that you have to do in order to ‘fight’ your illness. Bluntly, I think this is a myth for the convenience of those who don’t have an illness – it’s comforting to think that if it did happen, all you have to do is ‘be positive’ and the disease will retreat. Unfortunately, we know it’s not like that, and it’s ultimately quite insulting to people who do have a recurrence or pass away – oh, it’s because they weren’t fighting hard enough, is it? That’s why they ‘lost their battle’ (probably an even more annoying phrase that being positive).

The reality, as we all know, is that most of the time breast cancer doesn’t come back, but sometimes it does. We can do a few things such as following treatment recommendations to help reduce the risk, but ultimately some people are unlucky. And that’s scary isn’t it? And I think that’s what ‘positivity’ is all about, to try to paper over that and pretend that we have control. We are scared to engage with the reality that some people will have a recurrence/secondaries and even if we don’t, eventually we will all die.

And I think that’s another problem with ‘positivity’ – it’s dismissive of anxiety and fear, or a difficult reality, because it doesn’t want to hear them. When a person instructs you to be positive, that may be because they are afraid to hear the scariness of reality. It’s not about being doomladen, it’s about a recognition of uncertainty.  

So you ask what a positive attitude is. Too often it’s a jolly ‘act’ to protect others. I think what might be better is an ‘open’ attitude. I have found it much more helpful, mentally, to be able to say to myself ‘My cancer might come back and that frightens me’ than to try and come up with a list of reasons why it won’t. I don’t then try to challenge that thought, or prove to myself that it’s not true. I just let it be. I don’t know if you have come across a therapeutic approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), but I have found it very useful as a way of allowing difficult thoughts to be there, without giving them extra power by trying to wrestle them away.

Finally, I had a schoolfriend called Ismena Clout, who became quite a well known breast cancer campaigner. She died in 2014. She wrote about breast cancer a lot and once wrote a fantastic piece about the dreaded ‘lost your battle’ phrase. She said that living positively was not about pretending in the face of the facts that she would make a miraculous recovery, and she knew that being positive would not make her cancer go away. For her, being positive was enjoying all the things she could enjoy, and not fighting the future.

I hope your treatment goes well.