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15 REPLIES 15
Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: help

Just checking in on you Amanda. You sounded more positive in your last message, tackling one thing at a time. xx

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

Glad you are feeling a little better Amanda .Certainly having some sleep helps you have the energy to cope with the other stuff you have to deal with .
amanda9165
Member

Re: help

Hi

Thank you for your kind words and advice, i appreciate it.

I have been to the citizens advice they say i need to get proper legal advice but as i have no spare cash thats a little difficult though they did tell me whilst my ex is legally liable he cant be forced to pay his half, and if i don't pay then i loose everything i have paid so far and be homeless into the bargin which is my biggest fear.

My children are legally adults but in education and still need a home my youngest has mental health problems and this is impacting on her as, try as i might i'm not strong enough at the moment to hide this from her.

I know i should be grateful just to be here and for all the hard work of the medical team but right now i am just feel so tired so scared and so alone. I come here when i am at my lowest just to have someone to talk to and connect

I have found a chemist that stocks the original brand of tamoxifen i was given from the hospital when i had my radiotherapy, and so am taking that and touch wood am not feeling quite as bad i am taking it at midday as originally i was taking it at night, i have medication to help me sleep which is beginning to work so maybe with sleep and rest i will feel more rational and able to cope.

I think i need to do what you said and just look at one day at a time not stress about the future.

i have called the mental health team and self referred myself for counselling and any other services they think would help so thats a start i just want my life back actually i think i want it a little better than before if thats not too much to ask a life without all the struggle i mean maybe one crisis at a time instead of all of them.

Anyway i just wanted to thank everyone it really is such a help to be able to put down exactly what you feel and not have someone say pull yourself together you  need to be positive or you should be greatful to be here you've been lucky and i have i know but I also have a lot of normal problems on top of the cancer and though i know money cant buy happiness or health it can ease the worry and stress and allow you time to heal oh i'm decending into self pity again so i will go grab another coffee and try to get going got to be in hull for 10 so another long 150 mile round trip for me

Evie-S
Community Champion

Re: help

Hi Amanda

You've had some excellent advice from Jill, Jobey and Kate and I'm not sure I can add too much - but I wanted to send you a big hug and to confirm their advice that you are not alone and that you should never apologise for offloading or sounding negative. This is exactly what this forum is for, it's non judgmental and everyone totally understands.

 

I've had some counselling myself. One of the first things I was told was to stop beating myself up and to be kinder to myself. She asked me if I would say to friends the sort of things I was saying to myself and the answer of course was no. Another valuable piece of advice has been to take one day or even one hour at a time. This forum has been a lifeline for me - so talk away as much as you need to. Maybe you could think about calling the nurses on this site or the "Someone like me" helpline where I believe they put you in touch with someone.

 

I'd also agree with contacting the Citizens Advice - for the practical problems.

 

So far as Tamoxifen is concerned I have been on it for almost a year now. I changed brands to Teva, after speaking to people and reading threads on here and I have to say touch wood it's been ok. My consultant said that if you can get through the first I think it was 3 months you will be fine. So do have a look at changing brands or speak to your oncologist/consultant again.

 

Big hugs

Evie xx

Kate21
Member

Re: help

Hi Amanda, sorry you’re having such a very tough time. I can’t add to the advice already given other than to say a good friend of mine had similar problems with her partner when her marriage broke down, refusing to pay but expecting his share when the house was sold. Her solicitor advised her to keep a record of everything she had to spend on the house, for any upkeep, repairs and maintenance, as well as the mortgage, just receipts, banks statements etc to prove this. Then when it came to it he used all of this to offset against the settlement, and it did help considerably, especially as it was also the home of his children. Just thought it may help if you’re not already doing that. As previously advised I would definitely contact the CAB, if nothing else their advice is up to date and free, on the odd occasion I’ve used them have always found them to be excellent. Hope things improve for you and take care, Kxx

Jobey68
Member

Re: help

Hi Amanda, Don't apologise for off loading, you have enough going on even without breast cancer being thrown in the mix, it's no wonder you are feeling so stressed out! Jill had given you great advice and all I wanted to add really was have you spoken to the Citizens advice? They can help with pretty much everything and their advice is free.

The most pressing issue is money and you will be entitled to something it's just knowing what and where to turn for it, like most of us who have always worked and supported ourselves we don't have a clue when it comes to asking for Help! 

 

Do you have the house up for sale? When it comes to joint mortgages your ex can walk away and not pay leaving you fully liable but if he's in agreement to selling up then I would do so rather than risk losing it and all the problems that will bring with it. Your far from pathetic, your doing a great job of keeping everything going so don't be so hard on yourself! 

Maybe get a list of priorities and deal with one at a time, I know it's easy for me to say but it won't go away and a problem solved and ticked off the list will help your state of mind enormously, however insurmountable they seem Im a firm believer that every problem has a solution 😊

XxJo 

 

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

You're welcome, we all have days when we just need to off load .I hope you catch a break from your bad luck soon .
amanda9165
Member

Re: help

I feel like people must think i am an awful person but i don't have any close friends as i have worked on my own for most of the last 8 years traveling around the country teaching beauty and nail courses if you can believe it. before  that i worked in a college but not in home town so though we said we would keep in touch it never really happened. when marriage fell apart in 2011 my mother was diagnosed with vascular dementia and as she progressed into the ilness the family splintered i am her youngest daughter and she made me promise i wouldn't let her be put in a home and thats what they wanted i fought against it and i was kind of put out of the family so to speak they said some pretty awful stuff but then so did i, i haven't told any of them about my diagnosis when i think about it now i think it was so that i wouldn't have to deal with them not caring its one thing to think they wont another to know and i was trying to stay so positive, so now i only have one brother and though he is there it doesnt seem fair to keep leaning on him. oh i sometimes think if i didn't have bad luck i'd have none at all if i could just get a break some help in practical terms.

i got in touch with the mortgage company and they said they would contact my ex as he is legally responsible for half the mortgage but he ignored the call they left a voice message and said basically thats all they can do it just seems so unfair that he can just choose not pay while i have to or loose my home credit rating self respect

i'll stop now you must have better things to do than listen to me moan i am trying to help myself i make myself get up make up and get out there i do some self healing reiki and breathing exercises i get out and try to exercise either run or walk more walking as my joints begining to hurt since been on the meds and i should probably say the work i have means driving 300 miles a week in 2 days as thats the only job i can find. i am qualified teacher in post 16 i have written my own courses and had them acredited but dont have the start up funds the job i had in a salon went after having 7 months off plus i did a lot of deep tissue massage and don't have the strength in my arms for that now. i want to train in oncology massage and treatments and have looked into getting funding but its really not there for this kind of thing i am applying to charity organisations to see if they can help because there is a massive gap in provision here i mean there is an organisation but it can only do so much. Any i just wanted to say thank you for being there for me today you don't know how much it means to know someone is listening

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

PS you are not weak - you are ill .
Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

It's easy to look back at how you could have done things differently but it won't change anything so no point in using up your energy to beat yourself up .Have you referred yourself for counselling - there is quite a wait on the NHS round here .Do you have a good friend you could confide in - it would help if you had some practical and emotional support .
amanda9165
Member

Re: help

I rang dwp this morning and they will take a look at it but cant promise anything but have to wait so long to start a new claim. I don't like to bother the bc nurse as she has so much to do and all i can do at moment when i try to talk is cry. i went back to docs he gave me something to help me sleep so will see how it goes, counselling is a waiting game you have to self refer. I am sorry to take up your time i just have no one at all this is the only outlet i am so angry with myself for letting my life end up like this i feel like i failed my kids ive spent the last 7 years just working to pay a mortgage for a house it now looks certain i will loose i feel so ashamed i should have sorted life insurance i should have sorted critical injury but money was so tight i had to live for the now rather than the future and now well... my children are 18 and 19 the youngest has mental health issues and was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder Asperger's and my ilness has had a real impact on her, she is having to repeat a year at college my elder daughter is at university near home as i couldn't afford to pay for lodgings and her dad wouldn't help. but she is going to live nearer her uni for the last year as travel is expensive and time consuming.

I am so exhausted mentally and physically i don't know how much longer i can hold on i should be grateful just to be here and i am but i look at all this and think how will i get through

im sorry i have been so negative its not what anyone wants or needs but i just needed it out of my head

i wish i could be stronger i hate being this weak

 

 

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

0808 800 6000
Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

Ok - well first thing - re-apply for PIP - ring up today and restart the claim.Make an appointment with Macmillan to help you fill in the form .It took me 2 weeks to fill in the form with support and made me feel really ill so I can totally understand - but you may get some income that will help .I tried anti- depressants and they had similar impact on me - Ive been in that dark place and it is very very scary and it is very hard to explain to anyone who has not been there how that feels .Anxiety wears you down and leaves you will very little resources to deal with other life stresses .Have you discussed how the Tamoxifen is making you feel with Oncologist /breast care nurse ? They may suggest a break of a few weeks to acertain whether is it the medication making you feel this way .Do you have a local cancer charity you can go to for some support - we have one locally that offers counselling and other complimentary therapies to help with anxiety .Do you have a friend that you can share how you are feeling ? I know it's hard showing your vulnerability it unlesss people realise how bad you are feeling how can they help ? I've found that bit very hard but so grateful for the support I've had from my close friends .Could you also go back to GP to discuss how you are feeling ? The Nurses in the helpline here are also really good - why don't you ring for a chat ?
amanda9165
Member

Re: help

hi thank you for the quick reply i have applied for pip got a letter back yesterday saying they cant award it as i didn't get the form in on time i think that on top of everything else just pushed me over the edge. i got citalopram from the doctor to help with side effects of the tamoxifen but after 2 weeks i felt almost suicidal in fact at one point i woke with such horrendous migraine after weeks of little sleep and changing sheets 3 times a night due to sweats and i just took a handful i didn't want to die but i just wanted the pain and anxiety to stop i cant tell anyone that or they will think i'm such an awful coward. i have tried everywhere citizens advice a free solicitor hospice welfare advice macmillans but i have no money left after months of no income which came after years of just holding on. i am so sorry to put this on here but its the only place i have everyone else thinks i'm so brave I just want me back i just want a little light in all the darkness.

 

 

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: help

Hello Amanda ,you are not pathetic - you have had a horrendous year and are in a place that a lot of us find ourselves when active treatment finishes trying to process what the hell has just happened .Anxiety and depression are pretty common in the months afterwards and Tamoxifen can affect mood also .Have you spoken to GP about how you are feeling there ? Have you tried different brands of Tamoxifen, some seem to cause less side effects than others . On the financial front it might be worth looking into a PIP application if you still have ongoing issues following treatment - you can still work whilst in receipt of PIP - Macmillan or welfare rights will help you complete the form .I know we want to protect our children but maybe now is the time to get your teenagers helping a bit more ( I have one too - was hard but had to rely on him quite a lot last year - payback for all the years of good care !) .Have you sought some advice re your rights in terms of your house - I doubt very much your husband will be entitled to half if he has not paid the mortgage for 7 years !!! Come and talk to us here - anxiety is truly horrible I suffer myself - rubbish way to start the day isn't it ?
amanda9165
Member

help

I was diagnosed with bc in july last year it has always been a big fear for me yet when it came to it i didn't fall to pieces like i thought i would. i took each day as it came and just did as i was told. i don't have much in the way of family (long story) am separated and have 2 teenage girls who i didn't want to worry so i went to all my appointments biopsy chemo radiotherapy oncologist on my own. i seemed to be ok but after 2 months on tamoxifen i am a mess i have horrendous night sweats anxiety and i guess depression, i look at my life and think whats the point.

I am paying a huge mortgage due to my ex getting us into debt and having to remortgage to pay it off but he isn't paying his half though he wants half the house when its sold so i have been paying it for 7 years on my own i'm self employed and had to go back to work half way through my chemo which was tough he didnt even offer to help then despite the kids. i have contacted macmillan but to be honest they have been no help they just said you can get £7.18 rebate from council tax and there are allways food banks oh god i have worked all my life to end up like this i'm not lazy i don't think the world owes me a living and yet Some days i really don't know how i can go on i just want a break for someone to say 'here' let me help you with that i'll carry the load for a little while

God i feel so pathetic i am just so exhausted and hate this overwhelming anxiety, i am scared i may just loose the will altogether. i don't know where to go who to talk to i don't want people to see me as some pathetic waste of space .

its actually 3 months of tamoxifen and i think 5 years of this and i will be in a straight jacket. anyway sorry for this moan i am going to take myself off for a run its the only think that has kept me sane throughout this whole mess