Hi Bernie
I was diagnosed in January. Due to the covid restrictions I went to all my appointments (GP, mammogram, ultrasound and biopsies, histology results, MRI, more results and surgical consult) alone. I used to be a nurse and so I was confident I could manage which I did...until they then told me my husband would not be able to accompany me on the day of surgery. That was the day I fell apart. I totally spat the dummy in the middle of pre assessment clinic. I then threw some names about and made some phone calls (not what you know, but who, scenario) and generally kicked some lazy arse.
I too found it very surreal when I was first diagnosed. Because I felt basically fine (I found my lump while skiing!) I found it impossible to refer to myself as having cancer. As time went on (and on and on...but that is a whole other story) it gradually sinks in although i don't see myself ever refering to myself as a cancer survivor etc. It just isn't how we talk in our family. We go for the brutally honest, black gumour approach. Eg. I told my teenager to put sun cream on the other day or he would risk skin cancer. My OH told him one person in the family with cancer at a time was plenty. To which his reply was to give me a hug and say "it all has to be about you doesn't it?" Some I am sure will find this weird and dysfunctional but what I am trying to say is we are all different and process emotions and events like these diffently. Tread your own path. There certainly is no right or wrong.
In terms of crying again everyone feels and expresses their emotions differently. As I said, I didn't cry for quite some time, and then when I did it was more because I felt I had lost control of the situation rather than any feeling of self-pity. (Not to say i haven't had the odd 'pity party for 1' since). This is in complete contrast to when my mum was diagnosed some years ago with ovarian cancer. She was very stoic while I crumbled into a blubbering puddle. I am sure it was a control thing. With my diagnosis I was in control. I know I found my lump early, they reassured me of this repeatedly and I knew that I was under a good team who would listen to me (I did alot of reading), I was given treatment options both surgically and for hormone therapy and was able to make informed decisions. With my mum I had no control. I was just the support act.
I hope your treatment goes well. Of all the things you are going to experience don't let how you express your emotios be something you worry about. Family and friends will be there to support you and in my experience will follow your lead.
Hope this helps a bit. Now go kick it's arse!
Ruth
